You know the phrase “so bad, it’s good”? Yeah…that doesn’t apply to any of these songs. Sometimes there are one hit wonders you would think have another hit in them somewhere, but with these guys it’s pretty easy to see why they were such failures after their hit. Frankly, the fact that some of these even charted is enough to suggest that the human race is, in fact, a failing species. These are unscientifically non-proven to be the absolute worst one hit wonders in the history of both the UK chart and the Billboard chart in the USA of America.
There is some criteria, though: no novelty songs. If you’re wondering why Teletubbies and Disco Duck don’t appear, it’s because these are songs are by people actually trying to make a good record and failing, rather than trying to make a fast buck with a lame dance craze or cash-in on a popular ring tone (Crazy Frog has no place on ANY music-based countdown of any kind, thank you very much).
Brace yourself…it’s going to be a bumpy ride…
10. Afternoon Delight (Starland Vocal Band) [1976]
UK #18/US #1
One of the few songs ever written with no redeeming qualities whichsoever. What’s even more striking is the subject of the song. It’s about sex? Look at these people. I’m surprised they’ve even heard of sex. Apparently, they were relatively popular at the time in the US. They even had their own TV show. They didn’t have another real hit though. Thank Zeus.
9. Boom Boom (Let‘s Go Back To My Room) (Paul Lekakis) [1987]
UK #60/US #43
The lowest charter on the list, and coming over a decade before popular 90s Village People variant Vengaboys managed to figure out that “boom” rhymed with “room”, the HI NRG scene tossed out this. Like most dance music, it’s difficult to imagine actively listening to this in any other context other than it’s intended venue. In the case of most HI NRG, that means gay clubs in the 1980s. One look at Lekakis’ bare oily chest, tight white pants and thrusting pelvis tells you that they got that stereotype down to a T, to be fair. Electronic dance music in general is often quite hollow for me, so that alone means this is unlikely to appeal to me. But, of all the HI NRG stuff I’ve heard (which is probably more than I’d care to admit to), this one is particularly mind numbing.
8. How Bizarre (OMC) [1995]
UK #5/US #4
New Zealand has never really been a hotbed of musical activity. Split Enz, Crowded House and Lorde are the only major-ish New Zealand acts I can think of. I guess at a push you could say Flight of the Conchords. Unfortunately, this is the biggest hit in the history of New Zealand. Late front man Paul Fuemana looks and sounds completely disinterested throughout, doing this weird talk-singing thing that isn’t quite rapping, but seems to be what he’s aiming for. The 90s were a big decade for slightly novelty peppy songs that tried to mix traditional music from other cultures with pop stylings in an attempt to get a big summer hit (Sex on the Beach, anyone?), but How Bizarre is on another level of earworm. And, to be fair, I have no idea what's going on lyrically, so I guess the title is apt.
7. I’ve Never Been To Me (Charlene) [1977/charted 1982]
UK #1/US #3
In the 1960’s and early 1970’s, Motown was arguably the greatest record label in the world. Things had gone somewhat awry by the 80s. DeBarge were hardly The Temptations, I Just Called To Say I Love You was hardly Signed, Sealed, Delivered I’m Yours and this was probably the worst thing the label ever put out. And we were nearly saved. It was first released in 1977 and sank without a trace, but became a big hit in 1982. The universe was conspiring against us.
6. Bad Day (Daniel Powter) [2006]
UK #2/US #1
A horrible, saccharine adult contemporary piece of nothing that people who don’t like music think is a deep, powerfully emotional song. It makes me feel actually sick. ACTUALLY SICK. Ironically, there have been times when I’ve been having a good day until I hear this song and my day is positively ruined.
5. Party All The Time (Eddie Murphy) [1985]
UK #87/US #2
Yes, THAT Eddie Murphy. Murphy had a history of doing impressions of James Brown in his notoriously raunchy stand up act. And he was pretty good. You could imagine him making some decent funk records. You’d think if Eddie Murphy was going to make a record with Rick James, it would be down and dirty. Instead, we got Party All The Time, a song where Murphy sounds weedier than he does in those awful family films he makes, and complains that his girl just wants to party all the time. Let me re-iterate this: Rick James and Eddie Murphy wrote a song complaining that their girl parties too much. Rick James. Eddie Murphy. Outside of the dreadful use of the word “party” as a verb, that just doesn’t chime with either of their images. Plus the song is just generic 80s semi-funk that makes Michael Jackson sound like George Clinton. I particularly like Rick James in the video. He has a look on his face that suggests that this is jammin’. It isn’t.
4. Achy Breaky Heart (Billy Ray Cyrus) [1992]
US #4/UK #3
It’s rare that anyone is responsible for anything so annoying, even rarer that they are responsible for two things so annoying. So, for all the cringing you might direct at Miley Cyrus, it is nothing compared to her daddy’s hit Achy Breaky Heart. Let’s even forget that “breaky” isn’t a word. Here is my charge: this is a novelty song masquerading as country music. This is now what we are accustomed to thinking of when we think of country music; barely talented hunky red neck mancakes, bad line dancing, awful lyrics, catchy in a way that good songs never seem to be. BAH! Oh, Johnny Cash - why did you leave us?
3. Just a Friend (Biz Markie) [1989]
UK unkown/US #9
Biz Markie, the Clown Prince of Hip Hop, is one of the most bizarre musical figures that could spring to mind. He just does everything wrong. He looks awkward. He sings like he’s so constipated that he‘s actually in pain. His rapping lacks any flow and his rhymes are just…weird. His faux piano playing is ridiculous. And yet there is something weirdly loveable about him. To be honest, I find this a lot more appealing than Lil’ Wayne constantly using faecal matter as a metaphor (seriously, what’s that about?). I guess Biz is the Tommy Wiseau of rap, and this song is a hip hop equivalent of The Room. Oh, snap!
Trivia: that's actually Mozart. Who'd have thunk?
2. Fuck It (I Don’t Want You Back) (Eamon) [2003]
UK #1/US #16
In the USA of America, they often ask the question; “where were you when Kennedy was shot?” Everybody remembers where they were when they heard the news, such a powerfully disturbing moment it was. I had a similar experience the first time I heard this. I was in the kitchen, and heard Eamon’s whiney, tuneless voice barking heavily edited nonsense and knew, just knew, that this was a new low for popular entertainment. There is a slight doo-wop feel to it, and the legendary Ellie Greenwich and Jeff Barry are listed as songwriters on the track (I assume for a sample, but for the life of me I can’t place it).
Oh, and you may recall the “answer song”, by the supposed ex that Eamon didn’t want back? Yeah, that definitely wasn’t a cynical marketing ploy at all, was it?
1. Float On (The Floaters) [1977]
UK #1/US #2
Modest Mouse have an excellent song called Float On. Sadly, it has nothing to do with this. It sounds like a parody, but apparently it is not. The Floaters (yes, that is actually the name of the group…The Floaters…I’ll leave you to make the obvious joke yourself) were a 70s make vocal group. And this is there only hit. #2 in the US and, embarrassingly, #1 in the UK. “What makes it so bad?”, I hear you ask, metaphorically, in my head. Well…
There is very little singing in this. There are no instrumental breaks. It attempts to be a seductive, Marvin Gaye-type ballad. It doesn’t quite reach those heights. Hell, Barry White is more seductive than this. Each member of The Floaters (*guffaw*, I mean, really? Did they not even think about that?) introduces themselves by stating their star sign. I’d heard that “what’s your star sign?“ was a cliché of bad pick-up artists, but I didn’t think anyone actually used it.
Thing is, it doesn’t work all that badly (well, it IS bad, but not as bad as you might think). I mean, “Sagittarius” is quite a nice word. So is "Libra". Sadly, the final member of The Floaters to introduce himself, the surprisingly boisterous “Larry”, was born between June 22nd and July 22nd. This makes him a “Cancer”. So, in the middle of this seductive music, you have a weird voice yell out “Cancer! And my name is Larry!”
How the hell was this ever a hit? It has nothing at all going for it. You can't get frisky to it, as intended, because the group is called THE FLOATERS, and a man yells out "CANCER".
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