Re-Evaluating: Eminem

One of my heroes is Tom Waits. He always said he never liked rock & roll as a kid and he never liked Bob Dylan in the 60s. He was into Sinatra and Johnny Mercer (and, listening to his first couple of albums, you can see what he means). But, later on, he discovered the value of Dylan and rock & roll and even became a fan.

When I was a kid, I hated Eminem. Not sure why. I was an odd kid. It wasn’t that I was offended by his antics, I just saw the controversy as mere publicity stunts. If I’d have known what the word “juvenile” meant aged 12, I likely would have used it to describe Eminem. Furthermore, I was always into different music than the rest of school (not many Southside Johnny fans knocking about) and everyone else liked Eminem. So, I likely just thought if everyone else likes it, that probably means I won’t.

So, in the mid-part of the last decade, I suddenly became a huge Alice Cooper fan. Loved the idea of him in the 70s, the first shock rocker. A complete performance artist. And it’s through Alice that I finally understood the value in courting that kind of controversy. Everyone was being played by The Coop in the 70s, much like Em in the late 90s/early 00s. Slim Shady/Eminem is as much a character for Marshall Mathers as Alice Cooper/Steven is for Vincent Furnier. A lot of Eminem’s antics were even very close to previous shockers, the chainsaw was directly out of the Alice Cooper rulebook and his movie 8 Mile was basically just a hip hop re-make of Prince’s Purple Rain.

My opinion of Eminem gradually started to change in around 2005 in the unlikeliest of places; I went to see Queen + Paul Rodgers and their intro tape was Eminem’s Lose Yourself.



Having the track played so loud in the arena with the spotlights surrounding the audience made me understand the drama of the track. Though, I was still too stubborn to admit I liked Eminem. Plus, this was around the time of Just Lose It, and anyone who thinks that song isn’t one of the most embarrassing pieces of shite ever recorded is deluded.



So…this weekend, after 8 years of going back and forth (imagine a little devil on my left shoulder and a little angel on my right shoulder), I finally picked up Curtain Call, Eminem’s greatest hits collection. Saw it cheap in Asda, so though "fuck it, I'm finally gonna get it".

You know what? It can’t be nostalgia, because I have nothing to be nostalgic about, but I regret not just buying it back in 2005. I’m not saying I dig every track (Fack is even worse than Just Lose It), but it’s mostly dynamic, effective, intelligent and genuinely poetic stuff. I’m not saying I’m gonna go out and buy his entire back catalogue and I’d never go and see him live (you just know it’s gonna be full of dicks), but there is more than enough on there to warrant it being basically on repeat since I picked it up.

I certainly learned my lesson.

The Continuing Adventures of the Teen Idol - 50 Years of Pretty Boys and Decreasing Quality

The current tabloidian adventures of Justin Bieber and One Direction have had me thinking about teen idols recently. Because I decided to scribble about some of the bad music that’s out there as well as the good, I was researching 1D and Bieber and You Tube and saw their fans (“Beliebers” and “Directioners”, respectfully…though neither of those terms are actual English, so I regret using the word “respectfully”) writing delusional statements about the wealth of talent both of these acts have, seemingly unaware that these things go on a cycle.

Now, when I was growing up, my father encouraged me to listen to vastly different styles of music, and ever since the advent of the Power Rangers I had been obsessive over the things I loved. So it was only natural that the music I listened to would follow suit, and because I was obsessive over music I was able to identify that, actually, boy bands didn’t last that long. And neither did teenaged singers. Oh, they were exceptions, and we’ll look at those within this piece too. I also knew they sucked arse. Again - exceptions.

So, let’s take a journey through the changing fortunes of the teen idol, starting with the first TRUE teen idol of the rock & roll era.


1950’s

Sure, Elvis was a teen idol. But he was different to the teen idols of today, in a variety of different ways. No, the modern teen idol was probably born with Frankie Lymon. Lymon fronted a group called The Teenagers, with whom, at aged just 13 years old, he co-wrote and recorded his first and biggest hit, Why Do Fools Fall In Love? The song has become one of the anthems of the era. If there is a film that is set 1956, you best believe this song is on the soundtrack.



Because they were so young, Frankie Lymon & The Teenagers inspired kids of their own generation into performing. People like; The Temptations, Diana Ross, The Beach Boys…in fact, Motown founder Berry Gordy based the set up of the Jackson 5 on Frankie Lymon & The Teenagers. Lymon also did a lot for the civil rights for a spur of the moment decision that caused a scandal; he danced with a white girl (GASP!). He did it on DJ Alan Freed’s TV Show The Big Beat and caused such an outrage that the show was cancelled.

Frankie didn’t have many hits after his voice broke, and he died of a Heroin overdose in 1968. But in his time, everyone was in agreement; Frankie was the man. And, directly or indirectly, Lymon’s DNA is in every single teen idol who followed.


1960’s

The main anomalies to the teen idols rule of “a few good years” do actually appear in the 1960’s. This is a decade where The Beatles and the Rolling Stones began as bands that girls would scream at (yes, there was a time when people used to scream at Mick Jagger without adding the phrase “help, it’s coming towards me”). And yet both The Beatles and the Stones eventually became two of the most creative bands in Motown started the idea that you could have an organisation that created the perfect artists, teaching them how to dress, how to act, how to sing, how to do interviews, how to dance, how to sit. Needless to say, it was a success and became some of the most influential music of all time. I’m a Motown buff myself, so I wanna just take this opportunity to blast some Motown in your zeusdamn faces.



Then there was The Monkees, particularly Davey Jones. Jones was the charming British guy in the front. And they were probably the first significant case of a boy band being put together. Mainly because they weren’t a real band. The groups at Motown weren’t put together, they were all pre-existing acts who auditioned for Berry Gordy. But, The Monkees was a TV show about a band. Initially, the Monkees didn’t even play their own instruments. They fought for the right to do that by the end, and completely alienated their screaming teenage fans with the fuckin’ weird movie Head (apparently titled as such in case they made a second film, so they could say on the billboard “From the people who gave you Head”). But their success endured. In future, it would be the rule that boy bands would be “put together”, rather than be a group of kids who had known each other since they were in school.




1970’s

The 1970’s was teen idol galore. The decade started with the first real boy band as we know them today, The Jackson 5. They were followed closely by The Osmonds. There was also David Cassidy, Bobby Sherman and, rounding off the decade, Leif Garrett. It was really a golden time for pretty boys who sang bland songs. The main exception to that rule is the Jackson 5 hits which were brimming with energy, not to mention Michael Jackson‘s surprisingly heartfelt vocals. It‘s odd that some of Jackson‘s most soulful vocal performances were when he was aged 10 years old. Listen to a song like I’ll Be There…



A kid of 10 years old can’t truly understand what he’s singing about in that song. But you believe every word coming out of his mouth. And the song itself is more sophisticated than anything someone like Leif Garrett ever did. But then they had the Motown staff writers at their beck and call, so it’s hardly surprising.

Sherman and Cassidy both came from TV. Notably Cassidy was the star and pin up of The Partridge Family, about a singing family of ninnies who have limited talent but decide to form a creepy band anyway, and somehow managed to forge a career in pop on the back of this. He also marks the first really significant case of a teen idol acting explicitly acting out against his image. Midway through the run of The Partridge Family, Cassidy appeared naked on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine and talked openly about his drug use, amongst other things and purposely destroyed his goody two shoes image (a la Miley Cyrus).

Over in the UK, the most notable teen idols were the Bay City Rollers. You know, these guys…



Yeah. That ain’t no Jackson 5 song.

But the hysteria following the Bay City Rollers was as rabid as the following Justin Bieber gets today…as seen from around 4 minutes into this video…



The last teen idol of the decade was probably Leif Garrett.



Here’s the gist of Leif’s life since…




1980’s

The 80s was an odd decade for teen idols. Those of the 70s grew up and went into rehab, with the exception of Michael Jackson who became the biggest star in the world and was probably the only true example of a child star making a successful transition into being an adult artist (though, calling MJ an “adult” is pretty liberal use of the word).

Most of the teen idols of the 80s were movie stars; the Two Coreys, the Brat Pack, River Phoenix. It wasn’t until the end of the decade when pretty boy singers returned. And when they did the format was down. Well and truly. They cut the fat off. They took the Motown ideology of teaching the artists how to dress, how to sing, how to do interviews etc. Basically, carving an image out for them. There are differences, though; part of the reason for Motown was to bring black artists to a white audience. And in the 80s they forgot to write decent songs (a trend which would, sadly, continue). And they forgot to get a great house band to record the great music behind it. And they forgot to get people with charismatic voices. Basically, they failed at every other fundamental level. So long as it was a pretty boy, why should they give a fuck what the music was like.

Bros are probably the best example. This is a song of theirs called Drop The Boy.



It’s really shit. What the hell is wrong with Matt Goss’ voice? He sounds like he’s constipated and trying really hard to push it out. It’s got shitty 80s production. The video is full of weird shots (what’s so special about Matt Goss’ belt that it warranted a close up?). And the song itself? What the fuck is going on there? It sounds like it’s trying to be catchy, but just fails.

And yet Bros were massive. Like, One Direction massive. Like, selling out Wembley Stadium massive.



But the party ended. Because the kids grew up and thought “wow…this is really shit”.


1990s

Now we’re just going around in circles. Both the UK and the US had their own boy band wars in this decade. The US had New Kids On The Block, The Backstreet Boys, *Nsync…the UK had boy bands that weren’t popular in America (Take That, Boyzone, Westlife, 5ive).

The main difference in the 90s is that it was really the first time that there was an influx of female teen idols, of which there had been quite a lack of previously; the Spice Girls, All Saints, Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera. All of whom pretty much sucked as hard as all the boys, if not harder (phwooaaarrr…bloody hell!).



And they too were on the conveyor belt. Many of them, in fact, by a very particular conveyor belt owned by a very particular commercial behemoth; Disney. This would continue into the 2000s with Miley Cyrus and her ilk…but these guys and gals were the first to really feel this sting. You see, just about everyone owned by Disney went hit the skids at some point. We all saw Miley at the VMAs a few weeks ago…but Britney and Christina also went through what I now like to call “pulling a Cassidy”. Like David’s nude Rolling Stone cover designed to shake off his goody two shoes teen idol image, the gals started grinding, stripping off and getting dirrrrrty to look grown up (though, of course, that is a teenager’s idea of what being “grown up” is). They get so controlled under the corporation rule that they act out when they break free.


2000s-Today

The major difference between the last couple of decades and the current crop is that we now see the conveyor belt played out before our eyes. We see the horror, we see the mechanisms that go on behind the scenes because of TV shows like X Factor and even You Tube. Think about who the two biggest teen idols are of today. Did you think of One Direction and Justin Bieber? One came from X Factor and the other from You Tube.

One Direction in particular are interesting. Because of the interweb, the idiocies coming from their fans’ mouths are being plastered all over the place. It’s pretty interesting to see the cycle hasn’t been broken at all. The only difference is that, where in the past a Bros fan might threaten somebody who disliked Bros only amongst other Bros fans, “Directioners” are able to tweet the person in question, which means their stupidity is there for the world to see.

For example…remember that Channel 4 documentary that was on about 1D fans the other week…?



Well, here’s a clip from a similar documentary about Bros fans that was made in their day. I say “similar”, I mean the only things that are different are the fashions and the group in question. The rest of it is I-fucking-dentical…



They also forgot to give the members of 1D distinctive personalities. You really can’t tell them apart. They all seem to have the exact same sense of humour, their voices are very similar, at least two of them have the same hairstyle. It makes the shortened “1D” name quite appropriate, because they are, indeed, very one dimensional. You can tell the Monkees apart. They had different fucking hairstyles for a start. And Mike Nesmith wore a hat.

So…what about their future? If you’ve read this far down, you really don’t need to ask.


The thing that has really changed is that it is in no way about the music anymore. There was a point when it was. Frankie Lymon was about his music and performance (and bigamy, but this ain't the place to discuss that), Motown took time to perfect the records, The Beatles and The Stones are two of the greatest bands who ever lived. Hell, even David Cassidy and Leif Garrett were trying to branch out into more artistic territory when the novelty started wearing off. But since the capitalist culture of the 80s, it’s not been about that at all. Hence, 30 years of just completely shit teen idols that the kids hold no affection for as they grow older outside of basic nostalgia.

Young people interested in music still hear Motown records and say “that’s cool”. Nobody does it for Bros.

Miley Cyrus, Robin Thicke and All That Bullshit

So…the whole Miley Cyrus thing, eh? Wasn’t it shocking? I have never been so shocked in all my life. Not the twerking, that wasn’t in the least bit shocking, I mean that we have reached such a crushing nadir in pop music that a performance as awful as this was allowed on our screens in the first place. Jeez…no-one could sing, no-one could dance, Robin Thicke was dressed like Beetlejuice.



I choose to write about shit music on this blog, mainly as a means to justifying my hatred of a lot of the music I hate (apparently I can come across as a bit of an ogre in that regard). So, I felt it was my duty to speak up on this.

First thing to mention, really, is that MTV is so irrelevant now that this has probably been the best thing for it. Like when Kanye West invaded Taylor Swift’s speech a few years ago…



I mean, admittedly, Kanye was right. Taylor Swift does not deserve any awards. Unless the award is prefixed with the word “Worst…”. I dunno, is there a Razzies for music? There should be if there isn’t. Nevertheless, the “controversy” kept the VMA’s relevant for another year or two, and now the “controversy” surrounding this has kept the VMA’s relevant for another year. It’s gone so far down the ladder that Daft Punk’s Get Lucky can be nominated for a Video Music Award, despite the fact that it doesn’t have a video.

There has been a few reasons for the outrage. One is the sheer filthiness of the performance. First of all, clearly the people who have been complaining have never seen a pop video before. Secondly, the performance may have been over the top, but it wasn’t sexy. It was awkward and off-putting. If anything, it looked sad and desperate. In fact, it reminded me of two Britney Spears performances from the same awards show, the first one with the Madonna make out session (trying too hard to shock)



And, secondly, that weird one where she looked like she wasn’t even there and the whole audience were basically looking at her saying “what the ACTUAL fuck?”.



In fact, the song Miley was promoting, We Can’t Stop, comes across as pretty sad and desperate. It’s lyrics suggest it was written by one of those annoying people who use the word “party” as a verb, a “party animal” if you will. But the song doesn’t make you want to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care. It sounds sad. It sounds like an addiction, not a party. Even the title of We Can’t Stop suggests addiction.



The second argument is that by twerking, Miley was blatantly stealing from black urban performance. Well, fuck me in a month of Sundays! That would be a lot more upsetting if it hadn’t been going on since the dawn of music. All popular music is rooted in the blues. The blues is black music. Even before the rock & roll era, the crooners of the 30s and 40s had their music based on jazz, which is also black music. I don’t think there’s any such thing as white music. Is it right? I dunno…but is it wrong? If it is, we’re not allowed to listen to the Rolling Stones anymore.



I also want to deal with Robin Thicke. Firstly, he did not seem thrilled that Hannah Montana was grinding on him. Secondly, if Aldi sold their own range of Justin Timberlakes, they would be Robin Thicke. Dude sucks. Seriously sucks. You can’t even say “oh, but he’s so sexy”, because he isn’t. He’s awkward and off-putting. He looks like the dad from Growing Pains - who, coincidentally, is his dad in real life - and the dad from Growing Pains was not sexy. Thicke was wearing a really tight Beetlejuice looking suit at the VMA’s…just what was needed to show off the weird fucking shape of his body. Thirdly, the lyrics of Blurred Lines are not sexy, they’re rapey.

Here’s a sample of some of the lyrics from Blurred Lines

And that’s why I’m gonna take a good girl
I know you want it
I know you want it
I know you want it

Here’s a sample of some of the lyrics from Stone Temple Pilots’ Sex Type Thing, which was explicitly written from the point of view of a rapist

I know you want what’s on my mind
I know you want what’s on my mind
I know it eats you up inside
I know, you know, you know, you know

Yup. Basically the best, least rapey thing about Blurred Lined is the groove, which was sampled from Marvin Gaye’s Got To Give It Up. So just fucking listen to Marvin Gaye instead, OK?



Anyhoo…the performance did it’s job, because now everyone is banging on about it like it matters and has given Cyrus press she probably doesn‘t deserve. Every couple of years an artist that was formerly Disney owned acts out like this. Britney Spears did it, Christina Aguilera did it. Basically, when Disney owns a child star, they OWN them. They’re told what to wear, what to say, what to sing and HOW to sing it. So when they break free, they go a bit crazy. Then we forget about them. Would be great if we could just skip straight to that bit.

Either way, Billy Ray has to be upset about how his daughter is portraying herself. It's probably breaking his Achy Breaky Heart (thank you, I'm here all week, try the veal and don't forget to tip your waitresses!)

ARBITRARY LISTS: Top 5 Frank Turner Obscurities

Frank Turner’s arena tour goes on sale tomorrow. I first saw Frank supporting the Gaslight Anthem on a club date in Manchester (memory is hazy on the exactly when, but I think it was Gaslight’s first UK visit, so it must have been around 2008...?), and have followed him ever since. It’s actually kind of cool to see a guy whose been slogging away in small venues make it without any major press attention.

In fact, I met him once, but it went really fuckin’ badly, so I’m unwilling to meet him again. It was an unfortunate incident involving a squiffy yours truly, Frank’s hat and what may or may not have been a threat…saying it was makes for a better story, though. However, you’ll be delighted to hear I once met Rod, Jane & Freddy from Rainbow and it passed without incident.

The man is a workaholic, and so just buying his albums doesn’t give you the full picture. There are EP’s, b-sides, exclusives and all kinds along the way. A lot of these are compiled in the …Three Years collections. Some of them aren’t. In any case, here’s the Top 5 Frank Turner Obscurities.


5. Thunder Road Under The Influence Vol 8, 2009



Cover of the Bruce Springsteen song…which is one of my favourite songs of all time anyway. Weird thing is, given that it is such an iconic song, Frank somehow manages to make it sound like he wrote it.


4. This Town Ain’t Big Enough For The One Of Me Campfire Punkrock EP, 2006



This is a song I sometimes still feel a great affiliation to. There was a point when I was almost convinced Frank was singing about my life, given how so many of his songs summed up my feelings on various subjects. This is probably one of them.


3. The Next Round Rock & Roll EP, 2010



The ballad of a drunkard.


2. The Ballad of Steve Buddies by Frank Turner & Jon Snodgrass, 2010



Frank and Drag The River’s Jon Snodgrass locked themselves in a hotel room and vowed to write and record an entire album in 24 hours. They did OK. It’s obviously not supposed to be a stirring work of art, it’s just something they did for a bit of a laugh. This is definitely the best track on the album, and made me howl with laughter when I first heard it. It’s about a guy called Steven Slater, a flight attendant who quit his job in spectacular fashion. I won’t ruin it, but it’s a true story. They saw it on the news. Honestly. Google him if you don’t believe me.


1. Heartless Bastard Motherfucker The Real Damage EP, 2007



It just puts a smile on my face. And who amongst us hasn’t been a heartless bastard motherfucker at some point?

POP WORLD: Slave 2 The Rhythm - Michael Jackson & Justin Bieber

The continued string of posthumous Michael Jackson releases continues. Later in the year, expect the unreleased Freddie Mercury collaborations, but until then you can make do with a post-production collaboration with the modern day Freddie Mercury, Justin Bieber.



Sorry, did I say “modern day Freddie Mercury”? I meant “modern day Leif Garrett”. You probably don’t know who Leif Garrett is, and you’d be wise to keep it that way.

The song is called Slave 2 The Rhythm, and it follows MJ’s latter day attempts to appear down wid da kidz at the expense of writing a decent song. In fairness, much of Jackson’s solo career did put commercial success over creative possibilities, which is why every album he did after Thriller pretty much followed the Thriller format (a funky song to open, a rock song, a few slow songs mixed in, a song that reflected whatever was popular at the time, a “save the world” type song from Bad onwards). However, at least up until 1991’s Dangerous he backed it up with great pop songs. This began to change on 1995’s HIStory album, where around 50% of the album was decent enough, but was hindered by a host of self-indulgent trite. By the time we get to 2001’s Invincible, you get the feeling that he’s really starting to phone it in. In fact, this song is apparently from the Invincible sessions…



Anyhow, the point I’m making is this; a lot of people accuse Jackson’s estate of exploiting his legacy for a fast buck. But, really, he’d started doing that himself.

And that brings us to this Justin Bieber “collaboration”. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that Jackson would have collaborated with Bieber anyway. He always featured the commercial golden boys of the era on his albums. It was likely his way of appearing more contemporary. And listening to Eddie Van Halen’s guitar solo on Beat It, it’s often hard to argue with the results. But there’s something quite off-putting about this whole production.

The first problem is Bieber (who’d have thunk?). Is it just me, or is he trying to do a Michael Jackson impression here? At one point I thought it was Jackson singing when it was Bieber, it was only when Jackson’s superior vocals came in and blew Bieber completely off the mike that I realised my mistake and felt dirty as a result (although, when I did mistake Bieber for Jackson, I did think "Michael sounds like shit". It really shows how little character Bieber has in his vocals and how much MJ had, even on a bad day.

The second problem is the lyrics.

She dances at the break of dawn
And quickly cooks his food
She can’t be late, can’t take too long
The kids must get to school

She’s a slave to the rhythm
She’s a slave to the rhythm of
A rhythm of love, a rhythm of love

First of all, “food” and “school” don’t rhyme. Second of all, this is a very uninspired metaphor. Here we have two millionaires singing about the life of an ordinary woman who cooks and takes her kids to school. Why? Apparently, they had no time to consider why they were bothering to tell us this because they had to get to the chorus, which builds up to one of the most over-used phrases in the history of popular music. “Rhythm of love”. Wow. Talk about anti-climatic.

Eventually, over two minutes into the song, we’re finally given some conflict in the story;

She danced the night that they fell out
She swore she’d dance no more
But then she did, she did not quit
And she ran out the door

She danced through the night, in fear of her life
She danced to a beat of her own
She let out a cry, swallowed her pride
She knew she was needed back home

But I have no idea how I’m supposed to feel about this. Dudes, you’re telling a story. Is she abused by her husband? Is she suffering from postnatal depression? You say she wasn’t appreciated, but is that just how she feels, or is that the reality of the situation? How did they fall out? Was it his fault? Was it hers? Are you even talking about her husband? THIS IS NOT HOW YOU TELL A STORY. I need to be invested in the character before I give a shit that she tried to leave and then go back. For all I know, she’s just a whiny bitch going through a mid-life crisis and has started going out clubbing and wearing a mini skirt because she wants to be 21 again.

Musically, this is just another dull-as-fuck dance tune production, that actually sounds pretty similar to a 1997 remix of Jackson’s song HIStory that was released as a single to promote his Blood On The Dancefloor remix album.



But there’s no groove to it. MJ’s best dance songs all had GROOVES. They made me do the lame white guy dance. I couldn’t help it. All this makes me do is yearn for the DJ to throw on Wanna Be Startin’ Somethin’ or Get on the Floor instead. It’s really dreadful. It’s dull, it’s uninspired, it’s lazy. There’s no atmosphere. The Michael Jackson of 1982 wouldn’t have even considered recording this. If this song didn't have Michael Jackson's name attached to it, nobody, and I mean NOBODY, would give a shit.

In all fairness, it was culled from an unfinished demo. I don’t want to blame Bieber too much, that would be a cop out and the demo version posted above doesn't exactly suggest Michael had anything special to begin with. It's an outtake from his worst album...consider that. It wasn't good enough for his worst album.

But, this is bad even for Bieber. For Michael, it’s truly woeful.

POINTLESS LISTS: Top 5 Badly Advised Music Movies

Status Quo have made a movie. No, really. I have no reason to make that up. Apparently it’s out. Not that anyone cares. I often make excuses for Status Quo, I just wish they’d stop making it so damn difficult for me.



I thought it was as good an excuse as any to look at other badly advised musicians in movies. It’s actually funny in itself how many of these are vanity projects that went awry. A couple of them are just knockabout hi-jinx. But, the best ones are the ones were somebody’s ego just wouldn’t let it go…


5. All of Elvis’ Movies (1960-1969)

Starring: Elvis Presley



Primarily the movies he made just after he left the army. I’ll give a pass to Jailhouse Rock and Kid Creole. They actually weren’t that bad. But not long after those, Elvis was drafted into the army for two years. When he finished his time his manager “Colonel” Parker pushed Elvis into making shitty, formulaic musical comedies.

Though, unlike some people on this list (I’m looking at YOU, Mariah Carey), Elvis had the charisma to pull this off. I’ve actually always viewed Elvis as charisma first, singer second. Because he was essentially a pretty white face to sell black music to mainstream America. But the sheer amount of these movies takes the novelty off it. There’s really no time to go into them…but, suffice to say, all of them were made on a miniscule budget. So, you can imagine what we’re talking about here.

In fairness, if viewed as merely a marketing ploy, then at least the first half of the decade had some decent soundtracks behind them (come on…Viva Las Vegas?). But even that major positive had worn down by the end of the decade, and Elvis wouldn’t have a decent song again until the release of Suspicious Minds in 1969. In fact, by 1967, Elvis was seen as a bit of a punch line, largely due to these ghastly films. At least Cliff Richard was always a bit of a joke, which makes Summer Holiday kinda funny in a way. With Elvis, it was a bit of a sad downfall.

4. Glitter (2001)

Starring: Mariah Carey



I hate Mariah Carey. Oh, sure…she’s a great vocalist. But, I think we need to draw a distinction between a vocalist and a singer; a vocalist can hit all the notes, but a singer makes you BELIEVE it. But I at least get who her music is made for, I get it’s purpose. I have no idea what the purpose of this is. Hell, I’m not even sure what the story is.

The whole thing is a mess. I actually don’t know where to start. It’s set in the 80s for no reason at all (seriously, I see no significant references to the 80s, and the music sounds like it’s from the early noughties). It’s a typical rags-to-riches story that implies being a famous singer is the only important thing in the whole world, but so incompetently put together that it actually beggar‘s belief. Every time you think they’ve planted a plot seed, it turns out the scene goes nowhere. As she gets successful, she begins to drift from her friends. This is solved three minutes later by a shopping spree. She’s told to show more flesh, and you think they’re moving into an area where she has to contemplate whether it’s worth compromising your integrity for fame. Instead she just wears a bikini.

Weirdly, the whole film is about [insert character’s name]’s career and her relationship with her boyfriend/producer (who, for some reason, is played by Max Beasley), and yet the big climax is her reuniting with the drunk mother who we saw for about 2 minutes whilst the opening credits rolled. What the actual fuck?

The movie tanked (obviously). Mariah - who has the emotional range of a spatula as an actress - has openly blamed this on the fact that the soundtrack album was released on September 11th 2001, and the movie ten days later. In actual fact, the movie and the music suck.


3. Michael Jackson’s Moonwalker (1988)

Starring: Michael Jackson, Sean Lennon (for some reason)



The trailer says “nothing could prepare you for his movie”. You got that right, mister. This is basically the beginning of Michael Jackson’s self-important, egotistical, floating a statue of himself down the Thames period which basically lasted until the day he died. The film begins with a performance of Man In The Mirror, which ends with world leaders signing peace treaties. The implication seemingly being that Michael Jackson made this possible? What follows is twenty minutes of Jackson reminding you of how awesome he is. I’m not kidding. The first twenty minutes or so is just CLIPS of music videos, live performances, glorified slide shows, him collecting awards…etc…he almost starts to come across as having some kind of inferiority complex. “Please like me…please like me…I’ll do anything for you…JUST LOOOOOOOVE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE”.

Following those twenty minutes is the full video for the song Leave Me Alone. Are you freakin’ kidding me? Let me put that into context. He just went; “look at me, hey…over here…look how amazing my songs are…look how popular I am…look at how awesome my dancing is…look at me. Now, fuck off.”

Then there’s the main event of the movie. A short film starring Michael Jackson playing the incredibly complex role of…Michael Jackson. He’s playing catch in a park with three orphans and a dog, when the dog goes missing. Michael and the girl go off to find the dog, but instead stumble across Joe Pesci talking to some spiders and laying out an alarmingly detailed plan about how he’s going to sell drugs to kids. He sees Michael and sends his henchmen to find him. During a lengthy chase scene that comprises of the same two shots re-cut, Michael gets cornered. So, he decides to turn himself into a car (who hasn’t done that in our hour of need?) and drive to a secret club to meet the kids. The kids aren’t there. In a spur of the moment move, the club decided to turn itself into a mafia club from the 30s. Despite knowing that the kids are probably in danger, Michael decides to sing an extended version of his hit Smooth Criminal. Then the girl gets captured, but the other two kids aren’t (for some reason). So, they go to rescue the girl, and Michael turns himself into a killer robot, and finally a spaceship and flies away. He then comes back to perform some kind of weird Beatles tribute show, possibly to take advantage of the fact that he’s just bought the rights to The Beatles back catalogue. Fin.

This story MAKES NO SENSE. None of it is explained. WHY can he turn himself into cars, robots and spaceships? Also, why is it called Moonwalker? I know he moonwalks in it, but it could have just as easily been called;

Michael Jackson’s Tip Toe Stander
Michael Jackson’s Twirly Fucker
Michael Jackson’s Crotch Grabber

The game that tied in with the movie was cool, though. But in hindsight, a game where Michael Jackson walks around picking up kids might be in poor taste.



2. Graffiti Bridge (1990)

Starring: Prince, Morris Day, George Clinton, Mavis Staples, Tevin Campbell



PRINCE is a musical genius. Seriously, there’s nothing the guy can’t do. Musically. Because he certainly can’t act, screenwrite or direct movies. And the proof is in two particular brands of pudding; 1986’s Under The Cherry Moon and this monstrosity.

Set in some kind of parallel universe were Prince is apparently twinned with Jesus Christ (and I thought Michael Jackson was the one with the Christ complex), an angel comes down to…uh…actually, I don’t know why the angel comes down. It’s not really made clear. She’s just there. And he fucks it. Regularly. Then she dies. Which is weird, because I was always under the impression that angels were either dead already or immortal.

The movie was supposed to be a sequel to 1984’s vastly superior Purple Rain (a movie so successful that pretty much every “pop star movie” now rips it off to a less successful extent…in fact Eminem’s 8 Mile is basically a remake), but other than Prince’s character The Kid talking to his dead dad and the presence of Morris Day (who couldn’t even save this piece of shit, no matter how ironically awesome he is), it has absolutely fuck all to do with it. This is so bad MADONNA turned it down. And if you’ve ever seen Madonna’s movies, you will know why that is so shocking.

Thankfully, unlike Under The Cherry Moon, the music is very much in the forefront rather than incidental. Although the music is nowhere near as strong as Under The Cherry Moon and especially Purple Rain, there’s still some pretty decent performances in it, as well as cameos from legends like George Clinton and Mavis Staples. Which is a nice distraction.


1. KISS Meets The Phantom of the Park (1978)

Starring: Paul Stanley, Gene Simmons, Ace Frehley, Peter Criss (KISS)



Imagine The Beatles A Hard Days Night. Mix it up with Star Wars. Put KISS in it. What do you get? Crap.

This was released during KISS’ absolute commercial peak in 1978. They were everywhere in the USA of America. And they were looking for ways to capitalise on this. So, despite the fact that KISS can’t act, the management thought it would be just a downright cracking idea to put them in a movie about a man who runs a theme park trying to turn humans into cyborgs.

To be fair, if any band should have made a movie, it’s KISS. They just shouldn’t have made this one. The one thing they do right is keep up the pretence of KISS as superheroes. But, that’s all they did right. Guitarist Ace Frehley spends most of the movie saying “ACK!” and little else. Plus, he apparently couldn’t be arsed with the movie, and so is in most scenes replaced by his African American stunt double. Meanwhile, drummer Peter Criss’ dialogue was apparently so incomprehensible that they overdubbed his voice with some other miscellaneous dude’s.

Singer/guitarist Paul Stanley gives us an acting master class with the immortal line “you’re looking for someone…but it’s NOT KISS”. He also constantly pouts at the camera. Including mid-way through a fight scene. And bassist/singer Gene Simmons actually breathes fire. Well…I say he actually breathes fire…he breathes something that appears to have been taken out of a cheap anime. It’s so realistic that I almost didn’t not fall out of my chair.

POP WORLD: One Direction - Best Song Ever

One Direction have crossed a line.

I could handle the way they manipulate their confused audience of teenage girls by constantly singing about them and telling them they love the things they're insecure about. Take Little Things, for example, “sure, you’ve got big thighs, a dimple in your back, a squeaky voice and a bit of a moustache, but I love those little things about you”. Then there's "YOU don't know YOU'RE beautiful", "YOU'VE got that one thing“, “let me kiss YOU“. So far, its not been “her“ or “she“. No, its always been YOU, provided you buy this record, you gullible thing, you. But I could handle that, because its an old boyband trick.

And to be honest, I found the way they always end every song with the floppy haired one saying the name of the song quite funny in its sheer repetitiveness. Every single one of those songs has the one that they are quite obviously prepping for a solo career saying “you don’t know your beautiful”, “let me kiss you”, “one way or another” etc at the end.

And I could just about take it when one of them was wearing a fucking RUSH t-shirt in the video for their Comic Relief single. Although I can’t imagine any One Direction fan being into Xanadu…



But, this is also where they really started to piss me off, as opposed to just being a minor annoyance. The moment at the BRIT Awards where they “launched” into Teenage Kicks was incredible. Because if you listened carefully, you could actually hear every former punk rocker in the UK simultaneously shouting “FUCK OFF” at the screen.

And now this.



Their incredibly bland new song (ironically titled Best Song Ever, which I‘ll deal with in due course) quite clearly rips off The Who. The intro is Baba O' Riley. Even the sound of the piano is EXACTLY the same. As if we wouldn’t notice that you just pissed on a Picasso.



And this isn’t the first time they’ve done it. Live While We’re Young?



…Should I Stay Or Should I Go?…



Even their first hit, What Makes You Beautiful?



Seriously? Did nobody in the office say “I’m sure I’ve heard this before“?



So, clearly there’s a pattern emerging. One Direction’s songwriters are so lazy and know their fans will buy anything they put in front of them, that from the very beginning they’ve just been taking riffs from other songs, and REALLY famous ones too - they didn’t even bother to go for b-sides - and building an inferior song around them.

But what about this new one?

Quite frankly, the dumbest song title that has have been bestowed upon any piece of “art“, and I include Piss Christ in that. The song they refer to in the lyrics is not the song they’re singing, but the implication is clear; THIS is the best song ever. To have the sheer BALLS to claim that this is the best song ever after SIXTY fucking years of rock & roll is astoundingly arrogant.

Lyrically, as you might expect, knowing there isn’t any danger of “Directioners” moving on for another year or two means that they can come up with any old clichéd drivel, although this one stood out;

Said her name was Georgia Rose, and her daddy was a dentist

You know, Bruce Springsteen names his characters too. But, he follows his characters lives throughout his albums. They go nowhere with the "Georgia Rose" thing. Her name is Georgia Rose? Whoop-de-fucking-doo. I named my pinky toe Willbert, you don't hear me banging on about it. And the fact that her dad "was a dentist". Is there any reason that we need to know this? Is there a twist at the end where it turns out all your teeth fall out, but luckily, you're going out with a dentist's daughter and no little girl of his is going to be knocking about with a guy with no fucking teeth. Nope, it's just a bit of miscellaneous filler.

Plus, she said her dad "was" a dentist, which implies he isn't anymore. What happened? Did he leave the profession at his own will or was he barred from ever performing dentistry again?

We danced all night to the best song ever
We knew every line now I can't remember
How it goes but I know that I won't forget her '
Cause we danced all night to the best song ever
I think it went oh oh oh
I think it went yeah yeah yeah
I think it goes, oh

You know, the whole concept of this song sound eeringly familiar. Let me think; the best song in the world, you forget how it went, and you’re trying to figure it out. Where do I know that from?



Ah, yes. That’ll be it. Of course, the difference here is that it’s played for laughs and not meant to be taken seriously.

Further on down the road…

You know I know you know I will remember you
I know you know I know you'll remember me

You know I know you know I'll remember you
I know you know I hope you'll remember how we danced
How we danced

What? JUST SPIT IT OUT, BITCH. What you’re trying to say is “we’ll remember each other and that we danced”. So just say that. Get to the point. Elongating it does nobody any favours; it makes you sound stupid and keeps the song going a couple of seconds longer, and there's no need for us to be punished for your stupidity.

As for the performance? Well, One Direction are sold as individual personalities; there’s the sensible one, the moody one, the cheeky one, the Irish one. Although, in reality, they are all simply “the cute one”. There is no personality in their voices at all. You can’t really tell one apart from the other. They may have distinctive personalities on stage, I wouldn’t know. But I do know that they have none in their songs. They are completely interchangeable.

So this is, basically, just another bland One Direction song. But somehow this is slightly worse. The title actually makes it sound like a parody of One Direction. There’s only so long they can continually churn out the same product, and Simon Cowell knows that, which is why they have been omnipresent for the last 18 months. They're striking while the iron is hot as often as possible.

A quick question for the One Direction fans who will likely comment underneath via the medium of death threats (as they often do on twitter); do you know who Leif Garrett is? In the late 70s he was in the teen idol position that One Direction are currently in. Look how stupid he looks...