POINTLESS LISTS: Top 5 Badly Advised Music Movies

Status Quo have made a movie. No, really. I have no reason to make that up. Apparently it’s out. Not that anyone cares. I often make excuses for Status Quo, I just wish they’d stop making it so damn difficult for me.



I thought it was as good an excuse as any to look at other badly advised musicians in movies. It’s actually funny in itself how many of these are vanity projects that went awry. A couple of them are just knockabout hi-jinx. But, the best ones are the ones were somebody’s ego just wouldn’t let it go…


5. All of Elvis’ Movies (1960-1969)

Starring: Elvis Presley



Primarily the movies he made just after he left the army. I’ll give a pass to Jailhouse Rock and Kid Creole. They actually weren’t that bad. But not long after those, Elvis was drafted into the army for two years. When he finished his time his manager “Colonel” Parker pushed Elvis into making shitty, formulaic musical comedies.

Though, unlike some people on this list (I’m looking at YOU, Mariah Carey), Elvis had the charisma to pull this off. I’ve actually always viewed Elvis as charisma first, singer second. Because he was essentially a pretty white face to sell black music to mainstream America. But the sheer amount of these movies takes the novelty off it. There’s really no time to go into them…but, suffice to say, all of them were made on a miniscule budget. So, you can imagine what we’re talking about here.

In fairness, if viewed as merely a marketing ploy, then at least the first half of the decade had some decent soundtracks behind them (come on…Viva Las Vegas?). But even that major positive had worn down by the end of the decade, and Elvis wouldn’t have a decent song again until the release of Suspicious Minds in 1969. In fact, by 1967, Elvis was seen as a bit of a punch line, largely due to these ghastly films. At least Cliff Richard was always a bit of a joke, which makes Summer Holiday kinda funny in a way. With Elvis, it was a bit of a sad downfall.

4. Glitter (2001)

Starring: Mariah Carey



I hate Mariah Carey. Oh, sure…she’s a great vocalist. But, I think we need to draw a distinction between a vocalist and a singer; a vocalist can hit all the notes, but a singer makes you BELIEVE it. But I at least get who her music is made for, I get it’s purpose. I have no idea what the purpose of this is. Hell, I’m not even sure what the story is.

The whole thing is a mess. I actually don’t know where to start. It’s set in the 80s for no reason at all (seriously, I see no significant references to the 80s, and the music sounds like it’s from the early noughties). It’s a typical rags-to-riches story that implies being a famous singer is the only important thing in the whole world, but so incompetently put together that it actually beggar‘s belief. Every time you think they’ve planted a plot seed, it turns out the scene goes nowhere. As she gets successful, she begins to drift from her friends. This is solved three minutes later by a shopping spree. She’s told to show more flesh, and you think they’re moving into an area where she has to contemplate whether it’s worth compromising your integrity for fame. Instead she just wears a bikini.

Weirdly, the whole film is about [insert character’s name]’s career and her relationship with her boyfriend/producer (who, for some reason, is played by Max Beasley), and yet the big climax is her reuniting with the drunk mother who we saw for about 2 minutes whilst the opening credits rolled. What the actual fuck?

The movie tanked (obviously). Mariah - who has the emotional range of a spatula as an actress - has openly blamed this on the fact that the soundtrack album was released on September 11th 2001, and the movie ten days later. In actual fact, the movie and the music suck.


3. Michael Jackson’s Moonwalker (1988)

Starring: Michael Jackson, Sean Lennon (for some reason)



The trailer says “nothing could prepare you for his movie”. You got that right, mister. This is basically the beginning of Michael Jackson’s self-important, egotistical, floating a statue of himself down the Thames period which basically lasted until the day he died. The film begins with a performance of Man In The Mirror, which ends with world leaders signing peace treaties. The implication seemingly being that Michael Jackson made this possible? What follows is twenty minutes of Jackson reminding you of how awesome he is. I’m not kidding. The first twenty minutes or so is just CLIPS of music videos, live performances, glorified slide shows, him collecting awards…etc…he almost starts to come across as having some kind of inferiority complex. “Please like me…please like me…I’ll do anything for you…JUST LOOOOOOOVE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE”.

Following those twenty minutes is the full video for the song Leave Me Alone. Are you freakin’ kidding me? Let me put that into context. He just went; “look at me, hey…over here…look how amazing my songs are…look how popular I am…look at how awesome my dancing is…look at me. Now, fuck off.”

Then there’s the main event of the movie. A short film starring Michael Jackson playing the incredibly complex role of…Michael Jackson. He’s playing catch in a park with three orphans and a dog, when the dog goes missing. Michael and the girl go off to find the dog, but instead stumble across Joe Pesci talking to some spiders and laying out an alarmingly detailed plan about how he’s going to sell drugs to kids. He sees Michael and sends his henchmen to find him. During a lengthy chase scene that comprises of the same two shots re-cut, Michael gets cornered. So, he decides to turn himself into a car (who hasn’t done that in our hour of need?) and drive to a secret club to meet the kids. The kids aren’t there. In a spur of the moment move, the club decided to turn itself into a mafia club from the 30s. Despite knowing that the kids are probably in danger, Michael decides to sing an extended version of his hit Smooth Criminal. Then the girl gets captured, but the other two kids aren’t (for some reason). So, they go to rescue the girl, and Michael turns himself into a killer robot, and finally a spaceship and flies away. He then comes back to perform some kind of weird Beatles tribute show, possibly to take advantage of the fact that he’s just bought the rights to The Beatles back catalogue. Fin.

This story MAKES NO SENSE. None of it is explained. WHY can he turn himself into cars, robots and spaceships? Also, why is it called Moonwalker? I know he moonwalks in it, but it could have just as easily been called;

Michael Jackson’s Tip Toe Stander
Michael Jackson’s Twirly Fucker
Michael Jackson’s Crotch Grabber

The game that tied in with the movie was cool, though. But in hindsight, a game where Michael Jackson walks around picking up kids might be in poor taste.



2. Graffiti Bridge (1990)

Starring: Prince, Morris Day, George Clinton, Mavis Staples, Tevin Campbell



PRINCE is a musical genius. Seriously, there’s nothing the guy can’t do. Musically. Because he certainly can’t act, screenwrite or direct movies. And the proof is in two particular brands of pudding; 1986’s Under The Cherry Moon and this monstrosity.

Set in some kind of parallel universe were Prince is apparently twinned with Jesus Christ (and I thought Michael Jackson was the one with the Christ complex), an angel comes down to…uh…actually, I don’t know why the angel comes down. It’s not really made clear. She’s just there. And he fucks it. Regularly. Then she dies. Which is weird, because I was always under the impression that angels were either dead already or immortal.

The movie was supposed to be a sequel to 1984’s vastly superior Purple Rain (a movie so successful that pretty much every “pop star movie” now rips it off to a less successful extent…in fact Eminem’s 8 Mile is basically a remake), but other than Prince’s character The Kid talking to his dead dad and the presence of Morris Day (who couldn’t even save this piece of shit, no matter how ironically awesome he is), it has absolutely fuck all to do with it. This is so bad MADONNA turned it down. And if you’ve ever seen Madonna’s movies, you will know why that is so shocking.

Thankfully, unlike Under The Cherry Moon, the music is very much in the forefront rather than incidental. Although the music is nowhere near as strong as Under The Cherry Moon and especially Purple Rain, there’s still some pretty decent performances in it, as well as cameos from legends like George Clinton and Mavis Staples. Which is a nice distraction.


1. KISS Meets The Phantom of the Park (1978)

Starring: Paul Stanley, Gene Simmons, Ace Frehley, Peter Criss (KISS)



Imagine The Beatles A Hard Days Night. Mix it up with Star Wars. Put KISS in it. What do you get? Crap.

This was released during KISS’ absolute commercial peak in 1978. They were everywhere in the USA of America. And they were looking for ways to capitalise on this. So, despite the fact that KISS can’t act, the management thought it would be just a downright cracking idea to put them in a movie about a man who runs a theme park trying to turn humans into cyborgs.

To be fair, if any band should have made a movie, it’s KISS. They just shouldn’t have made this one. The one thing they do right is keep up the pretence of KISS as superheroes. But, that’s all they did right. Guitarist Ace Frehley spends most of the movie saying “ACK!” and little else. Plus, he apparently couldn’t be arsed with the movie, and so is in most scenes replaced by his African American stunt double. Meanwhile, drummer Peter Criss’ dialogue was apparently so incomprehensible that they overdubbed his voice with some other miscellaneous dude’s.

Singer/guitarist Paul Stanley gives us an acting master class with the immortal line “you’re looking for someone…but it’s NOT KISS”. He also constantly pouts at the camera. Including mid-way through a fight scene. And bassist/singer Gene Simmons actually breathes fire. Well…I say he actually breathes fire…he breathes something that appears to have been taken out of a cheap anime. It’s so realistic that I almost didn’t not fall out of my chair.