Oh, Britney Spears. It's not even funny anymore. How old are you now? 50? 55?
As you may recall, Ms Spears made the comeback nobody was waiting for last year with Scream & Shout, a collaboration with William (I'm sorry, but I refuse to call him Will.I.am. It‘s a stupid, stupid name). And the song was...well, let's not beat around the flaccid bush...it was awful. A tragic amalgamation of LMFAO’s Sexy & I Know It...
...The Time’s Jungle Love...
...Shout by Tears For Fears...
...and everything "William" has ever cobbled together. I swear, as soon as you bring "William" into the mix, it automatically stops being a decent pop song and just becomes an exercise in him telling you how awesome he isn’t.
So, all of those elements, plus Britters putting on a faux European accent (for some reason) and calling me a bitch, made this...
Sorry...I mean this...
BUT…it put Britney back on the pop map. And now it’s time for her to go it alone again.
Well, I say alone, her new single Ooh La La has seven fucking songwriters, so she’s not entirely alone, but she’s not featuring anyone on this. It's just Britney Spears being Britney Spears. Which means it's the sound of a woman sucking. And not in a good way.
And there's a problem straight away. The first verse goes;
You don't have to look like a movie star
Ooh I think you're good just the way you are
Tell me if you could would you up and run away with me?
Firstly, how the hell did it take seven people to write those lyrics? The entire premise of the lyric, that “it’s OK if you’re not a movie star, and it’s OK if you’re not a millionaire, because I love you and it’s fine” has been done to death and WAY better before. Off the top of my head…PRINCE...
PLUS, the first line of the song…that VERY FIRST LINE, the one that is supposed to get us emotionally involved in this situation…is an old line, a lot of people have used it…again, off the top of my head, My Guy...
It’s just lazy. It’s like me sitting here saying I’m gonna write a song about a guy called Jack who jumps and he’s really flash, and he has THREE gasses. But that would make me lazy and, let's face it, plagiaristc.
But, my biggest problem with the song is the chorus;
Ooh my my baby don't be shy
I see that spark flashing in your eye
My heart beats fast 'cause I want it all
So baby come with me and be my ooh la la
Take my hand, we can go all night
And spin me round just the way I like
It feels so good, I don't wanna stop
So baby come with me and be my ooh la la
Besides the fact that - between seven songwriters - they couldn't be arsed coming up with rhymes after the second fucking line (I rhymed more in that sentence than Britney does in that chorus), but the song is also clearly about sex. Which, in itself, isn't a problem. Most of the greatest songs of all time are about sex. But, most songs aren't the theme from Smurfs 2. So, one can only assume that it’s about Smurf sex. Just consider that for a second. Get a good mental image in your head of Papa Smurf getting down with his woman. It’s horrible. Eugh. I may not like gangsta rap songs about pimping ones ho, but at the very least, to my knowledge 50 Cent didn’t release P.I.M.P in conjunction with a Mickey Mouse movie.
You know why? Because that would be ina-fucking-ppropriate, that's why.
So, when it comes down to it, I probably think this outright sucks, right?
Actually, no.
Forgetting the Smurfs thing for a moment, my main complaint is that the song is unoriginal and has been done better before. And, believe me, even the title is unoriginal. Just type Ooh La La into Wikipedia and you’ll see songs by The Faces, Goldfrapp, The Wiseguys, John Cale and a handful of others. But complaining that Britney Spears is unoriginal is like complaining that the Ramones can’t play Beethoven’s 5th. Dude…that’s not the point. Nothing about Britney Spears has ever been original. Nothing about pop stars LIKE Britney Spears has ever been original. I may think it’s mediocre, uninspired and only moderately memorable, but that's Britney in a nutshell, so her fans will probably like it.
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