POP WORLD: Gorilla - Bruno Mars

Bruno Mars. Weird guy. I know he’s talented. He has a good ear for melody, not a bad producer. It’s just a shame he’s such an inconsistent songwriter and has no identity of his own. All the singles off his current album Unorthodox Jukebox have so far been Bruno Mars pretending to be other people; The Police (Locked Out Of Heaven), a smoky barroom singer (When I Was Your Man), a Gamble & Huff Philadelphia International artist (Treasure) and now, his new single Gorilla.



Well, it's pretty obvious that he appears to be aping (ignore the pun) somebody so far out of his reach that it’s really unsettling; Prince.



Prince is a fucking genius. Widely considered as such too, and rightly so. Bruno Mars is a long way off Prince. Though, on paper I guess it does make sense. And, in fairness, I have so far kind of preferred Bruno pretending to be other people than I have Bruno being his bland, boring self. Even on his first album Doo Wop & Hooligans, the best song/performances I ever came across was Runaway Baby, which was a complete James Brown pastiche.




Also…in fairness, Treasure was one of the best singles of the year…just sayin’.



But the Prince one doesn’t work. And it’s not just because I’m a Prince fan. When Prince sings about sex, he sounds like he believes it. But Bruno has a surprisingly weedy voice that doesn’t sound quite confident enough to pull it off. It’s smooth, but hardly at the level of Marvin Gaye. So, hearing him trying to scream on the verge of orgasm like Prince did circa Dirty Mind just makes my skin crawl.

As a song, Gorilla’s problems begin in the first line;

I got a body full of liquor and a cocaine kicker

Bruno…you’ve been in trouble for this before.



But the rest of the lyrics are just as bad. The problem is that the whole metaphor is greatly flawed. As a metaphor for sex, large primates just don’t work unless you’re into bestiality (there’s an interesting line of questioning next time he’s on a chat show…if Alan Carr or someone wants to ask Bruno about that, I‘d appreciate it). Furthermore, I’m guessing Bruno doesn’t know all that much about gorillas. Considering their size, they aren’t exactly well endowed, which doesn’t sound like a great starting point for a wild night of passion; “come on, baby…try and find my penis. It’s so comfortable, you won’t even know it’s there”. Plus, they mate very infrequently, which suggests that an entire night of passion is quite a big ask. Sexy. Phhhwwwooooaaarrrrrr!

Then there’s the clincher;

'Cause what I got for you
I promise it's a killer,
You'll be banging on my chest
Bang bang, gorilla

Gorilla’s don’t bang on other people’s chest, Bruno, they bang on their own chest. If you’re having sex and the woman is banging on your chest, it’s probably more likely that she isn’t exactly implicit in this act and she’s fighting you off. I mean, jeez…I thought Robin Thicke was being rapey in Blurred Lines.

The other possibility is that she’s banging on your chest trying to revive you after you OD’d on that liquor and cocaine kicker.

Bruno also seems to have no concept of the fact that just because something is sexual, that doesn’t mean it’s sexy. Take his description of his co-gorilla;

You got your legs up in the sky
With the devil in your eyes

A sexual image perhaps, but not a sexy image.

See?

Yeah, I got a fistful of your hair

That just sounds painful.

If the neighbours call the cops,
Call the sheriff, call the SWAT - we don't stop,
We keep rocking while they're knocking on our door
And you're screaming, "Give it to me baby,
Give it to me motherfucker!"

And that’s just one of the worst verses I’ve ever heard.

Basically, it’s a fucking dumb song that sees Bruno lamely try to sexualise his image and ultimately fails because all he’s done is prove that he can’t do it. Now, excuse me whilst I listen to Prince.

POINTLESS LISTS: Queen at 40

Queen were always hated by critics, but loved by the masses. I still meet the occasional Pitchfork-reading snob who claims to hate everything Queen stood for, only to have them finish by saying “…but, Innuendo is a good song”. Since Mercury’s death, they also have a massive case of hypocritis, lambasting everything May and Taylor do with Queen’s legacy by saying “Freddie would be turning in his grave”.

Ironically, Freddie was on record as saying that his music meant nothing. Apparently on his deathbed he said “do what you want with my music, but never make me boring”. I have made a lot of excuses for Queen’s actions over time, making the argument that they were simply keeping the band fresh in people’s minds, and I actually quite enjoyed the Queen + Paul Rodgers project (I took exception with Adam Lambert, that was going too far). And it’s hard to deny that, if this was the reasoning behind a lot of their projects since 1991, then they have succeeded, because Queen are as big in the UK as they ever have been.

This week is forty years since the release of Queen’s debut album, even though, for some reason, they felt the need to celebrate their 40th anniversary last year; a year after they formed and a year before their debut. You have to wonder what goes through Brian May’s head recently. First he can’t do math, despite having a PhD in physics and secondly he thought this would stop the badger cull and is in any way a good idea:



But, I digress. To commemorate this moderately momentous occasion, I’m going to list the Top 10 Queen album tracks for shits and giggles. I grew up as a massive Queen fan. For a good few years, they were just about the only band I listened to. So, because I have a big head, I think that qualifies me to have some authority on this. There’s going to be no hits, no Bohemian Rhapsody, no sporting anthems. This is pure obscurity.


10. Need Your Lovin’ Tonight

I’ll admit, a pretty lightweight number from 1980’s The Game. Basically, it’s a Beatles-sounding power pop number by John Deacon. But, as pop songs go, it’s pretty catchy and I can never get it out of my head when I’ve heard it.




9. Keep Passing The Open Windows

Freddie Mercury initially wrote this song for the movie The Hotel New Hampshire, but it wasn’t used so it ended up on 1984’s The Works. You can kind of tell it was written for a movie, because there’s something quite cinematic about it. Quite heavy use of synths. Always loved this one. Real shame that it’s not very well known.




8. Was It All Worth It?

By 1989’s The Miracle, Freddie knew he didn’t have long to go. In fact, it was a miracle in itself that he managed to make another album in his lifetime. That gives this song some added weight. As he muses over his career, he sums it all up; “yes, it was a worthwhile experience”. It also helps that the song harks back to the band’s 70s sound somewhat, including an orchestrated breakdown halfway through.




7. Death on 2 Legs (Dedicated 2...)

Probably Queen’s most vindictive song. Opening the A Night At The Opera album, it’s Mercury’s “fuck you” to former manager Norman Sheffield. May was so tacken aback by the incisiveness of the lyrics that he claims he felt uncomfortable singing them.




6. Mother Love

This is the last track Freddie ever recorded. In fact, he never finished it (hence why Brian May sings the final verse). Appeared on 1995’s posthumous Made In Heaven.




5. One Year Of Love

John Deacon truly was Queen’s secret weapon. To this day, he doesn’t get the credit he deserves. This was one of the songs the band composed for the movie Highlander and is culled (sorry Brian, "taken") from 1986’s A Kind of Magic.




4. Doin’ All Right

This is actually a song from May and Taylor’s previous band, Smile, and consequently, the other member of Smile, Tim Staffell, gets a writing credit. It’s quite a 60’s sounding song as a result, and the first of many Queen songs to feature several musical styles throughout.




3. Tenement Funster

Roger Taylor sings this one from 1974’s Sheer Heart Attack (unscientifically non-proven by moi to be Queen’s greatest album). This is probably as cool as Queen get, which isn’t saying much in fairness. Taylor’s delivery is top notch. His voice is like a less annoying Rod Stewart.




2. March of the Black Queen

A Freddie song from 1974’s Queen II. I wish I could tell you what this song is about. I really do. But I haven’t got a fucking clue. And people thought Bohemian Rhapsody was bonkers…




1. It’s Late

A Brian May song from 1977’s News of the World. It just rocks. It starts as a mid-tempo rocker and gets surprisingly heavy. With A Kind Of Magic and Radio GaGa constantly drowning out the airwaves, it’s easy to forget how hard Queen could rock. All you need to do is play this to remind yourself. Maybe the best song they ever recorded?

POP WORLD: Britney Spears - Ooh La La

Oh, Britney Spears. It's not even funny anymore. How old are you now? 50? 55?

As you may recall, Ms Spears made the comeback nobody was waiting for last year with Scream & Shout, a collaboration with William (I'm sorry, but I refuse to call him Will.I.am. It‘s a stupid, stupid name). And the song was...well, let's not beat around the flaccid bush...it was awful. A tragic amalgamation of LMFAO’s Sexy & I Know It...



...The Time’s Jungle Love...



...Shout by Tears For Fears...



...and everything "William" has ever cobbled together. I swear, as soon as you bring "William" into the mix, it automatically stops being a decent pop song and just becomes an exercise in him telling you how awesome he isn’t.

So, all of those elements, plus Britters putting on a faux European accent (for some reason) and calling me a bitch, made this...



Sorry...I mean this...



BUT…it put Britney back on the pop map. And now it’s time for her to go it alone again.

Well, I say alone, her new single Ooh La La has seven fucking songwriters, so she’s not entirely alone, but she’s not featuring anyone on this. It's just Britney Spears being Britney Spears. Which means it's the sound of a woman sucking. And not in a good way.


And there's a problem straight away. The first verse goes;

You don't have to look like a movie star
Ooh I think you're good just the way you are
Tell me if you could would you up and run away with me?

Firstly, how the hell did it take seven people to write those lyrics? The entire premise of the lyric, that “it’s OK if you’re not a movie star, and it’s OK if you’re not a millionaire, because I love you and it’s fine” has been done to death and WAY better before. Off the top of my head…PRINCE...



PLUS, the first line of the song…that VERY FIRST LINE, the one that is supposed to get us emotionally involved in this situation…is an old line, a lot of people have used it…again, off the top of my head, My Guy...



It’s just lazy. It’s like me sitting here saying I’m gonna write a song about a guy called Jack who jumps and he’s really flash, and he has THREE gasses. But that would make me lazy and, let's face it, plagiaristc.


But, my biggest problem with the song is the chorus;

Ooh my my baby don't be shy
I see that spark flashing in your eye
My heart beats fast 'cause I want it all
So baby come with me and be my ooh la la

Take my hand, we can go all night
And spin me round just the way I like
It feels so good, I don't wanna stop
So baby come with me and be my ooh la la

Besides the fact that - between seven songwriters - they couldn't be arsed coming up with rhymes after the second fucking line (I rhymed more in that sentence than Britney does in that chorus), but the song is also clearly about sex. Which, in itself, isn't a problem. Most of the greatest songs of all time are about sex. But, most songs aren't the theme from Smurfs 2. So, one can only assume that it’s about Smurf sex. Just consider that for a second. Get a good mental image in your head of Papa Smurf getting down with his woman. It’s horrible. Eugh. I may not like gangsta rap songs about pimping ones ho, but at the very least, to my knowledge 50 Cent didn’t release P.I.M.P in conjunction with a Mickey Mouse movie.

You know why? Because that would be ina-fucking-ppropriate, that's why.


So, when it comes down to it, I probably think this outright sucks, right?

Actually, no.

Forgetting the Smurfs thing for a moment, my main complaint is that the song is unoriginal and has been done better before. And, believe me, even the title is unoriginal. Just type Ooh La La into Wikipedia and you’ll see songs by The Faces, Goldfrapp, The Wiseguys, John Cale and a handful of others. But complaining that Britney Spears is unoriginal is like complaining that the Ramones can’t play Beethoven’s 5th. Dude…that’s not the point. Nothing about Britney Spears has ever been original. Nothing about pop stars LIKE Britney Spears has ever been original. I may think it’s mediocre, uninspired and only moderately memorable, but that's Britney in a nutshell, so her fans will probably like it.