Bruno Mars. Weird guy. I know he’s talented. He has a good ear for melody, not a bad producer. It’s just a shame he’s such an inconsistent songwriter and has no identity of his own. All the singles off his current album Unorthodox Jukebox have so far been Bruno Mars pretending to be other people; The Police (Locked Out Of Heaven), a smoky barroom singer (When I Was Your Man), a Gamble & Huff Philadelphia International artist (Treasure) and now, his new single Gorilla.
Well, it's pretty obvious that he appears to be aping (ignore the pun) somebody so far out of his reach that it’s really unsettling; Prince.
Prince is a fucking genius. Widely considered as such too, and rightly so. Bruno Mars is a long way off Prince. Though, on paper I guess it does make sense. And, in fairness, I have so far kind of preferred Bruno pretending to be other people than I have Bruno being his bland, boring self. Even on his first album Doo Wop & Hooligans, the best song/performances I ever came across was Runaway Baby, which was a complete James Brown pastiche.
Also…in fairness, Treasure was one of the best singles of the year…just sayin’.
But the Prince one doesn’t work. And it’s not just because I’m a Prince fan. When Prince sings about sex, he sounds like he believes it. But Bruno has a surprisingly weedy voice that doesn’t sound quite confident enough to pull it off. It’s smooth, but hardly at the level of Marvin Gaye. So, hearing him trying to scream on the verge of orgasm like Prince did circa Dirty Mind just makes my skin crawl.
As a song, Gorilla’s problems begin in the first line;
I got a body full of liquor and a cocaine kicker
Bruno…you’ve been in trouble for this before.
But the rest of the lyrics are just as bad. The problem is that the whole metaphor is greatly flawed. As a metaphor for sex, large primates just don’t work unless you’re into bestiality (there’s an interesting line of questioning next time he’s on a chat show…if Alan Carr or someone wants to ask Bruno about that, I‘d appreciate it). Furthermore, I’m guessing Bruno doesn’t know all that much about gorillas. Considering their size, they aren’t exactly well endowed, which doesn’t sound like a great starting point for a wild night of passion; “come on, baby…try and find my penis. It’s so comfortable, you won’t even know it’s there”. Plus, they mate very infrequently, which suggests that an entire night of passion is quite a big ask. Sexy. Phhhwwwooooaaarrrrrr!
Then there’s the clincher;
'Cause what I got for you
I promise it's a killer,
You'll be banging on my chest
Bang bang, gorilla
Gorilla’s don’t bang on other people’s chest, Bruno, they bang on their own chest. If you’re having sex and the woman is banging on your chest, it’s probably more likely that she isn’t exactly implicit in this act and she’s fighting you off. I mean, jeez…I thought Robin Thicke was being rapey in Blurred Lines.
The other possibility is that she’s banging on your chest trying to revive you after you OD’d on that liquor and cocaine kicker.
Bruno also seems to have no concept of the fact that just because something is sexual, that doesn’t mean it’s sexy. Take his description of his co-gorilla;
You got your legs up in the sky
With the devil in your eyes
A sexual image perhaps, but not a sexy image.
See?
Yeah, I got a fistful of your hair
That just sounds painful.
If the neighbours call the cops,
Call the sheriff, call the SWAT - we don't stop,
We keep rocking while they're knocking on our door
And you're screaming, "Give it to me baby,
Give it to me motherfucker!"
And that’s just one of the worst verses I’ve ever heard.
Basically, it’s a fucking dumb song that sees Bruno lamely try to sexualise his image and ultimately fails because all he’s done is prove that he can’t do it. Now, excuse me whilst I listen to Prince.
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