ARBITRARY LISTS: Top 5 Weirdest Tom Waits Songs

Tom Waits returned to the stage for the first time since his Glitter & Doom Tour ended in 2008 earlier this week at Neil Young’s Bridge School Benefit. Tom is one of my heroes, but I do get why people wouldn’t like him. I mean, this was his statement when he was announced to be playing the show;

I had every good intention to stay home and work on my JD Salinger Halloween mask, but when Neil told me yesterday he was serving burnt cow’s eyes on a flat tire and it’s all gluten free, I invited myself.

Yeah. A bit mental. And so, with that, here’s the Top 5 Weirdest Tom Waits Songs…

5. Somewhere (Blue Valentine, 1978)



Cover of the West Side Story song. Waits recorded it for then-girlfriend Rickie Lee Jones. I guess it’s just odd hearing Waits’ gruff voice sing such a standard song. From a musical, at that. It’s a classy rendition, though. Opens his Blue Valentine album, which also features Christmas Card From A Hooker In Minneapolis, which could just as easily have made it’s way in here.

4. Lucky Day (Black Rider, 1993)



First time I played this one to my dad, he started laughing his arse off as the song developed. Waits’ vocal gets more and more eccentric as it goes along, probably peaking at the “there’s nothing like a campfire and a can of beans” section. From a musical Waits wrote with William Burroughs and the subsequent soundtrack.

3. Army Ants (Orphans: Brawlers, Bawlers & Bastards, 2006)



Tom reads a monologue about ants including trivia about their eating habits, copulation and such, and then moves on to wasps, scorpions, beetles…and then back to ants. Why? That’s a question for Tom.

2. Cemetery Polka (Rain Dogs, 1985)



Apparently, a family reunion inspired this one. Waits sings about various characters in his family; his accordion playing Uncle Vernon (who, by all accounts, is a big shot down there at the Slaughterhouse), the insane Auntie Maine, Uncle Bill’s tumour…not to mention his Puerto Rican mistress with the wooden leg. Just like any family, I suppose.

1. Heigh Ho (Stay Awake: Various Interpretations of Music from Vintage Disney Films, 1988)



Prepare to have your childhood destroyed. Waits turns a cheery Disney song into the creepiest thing imaginable. I’m not kidding, this is fucking scary. Originally from a collection of contemporary artists performing old Disney songs, but also showed up on Waits’ odds and sods collection Orphans: Bawlers, Brawlers & Bastards.