POINTLESS LISTS: Top 5 Badly Advised Music Movies

Status Quo have made a movie. No, really. I have no reason to make that up. Apparently it’s out. Not that anyone cares. I often make excuses for Status Quo, I just wish they’d stop making it so damn difficult for me.



I thought it was as good an excuse as any to look at other badly advised musicians in movies. It’s actually funny in itself how many of these are vanity projects that went awry. A couple of them are just knockabout hi-jinx. But, the best ones are the ones were somebody’s ego just wouldn’t let it go…


5. All of Elvis’ Movies (1960-1969)

Starring: Elvis Presley



Primarily the movies he made just after he left the army. I’ll give a pass to Jailhouse Rock and Kid Creole. They actually weren’t that bad. But not long after those, Elvis was drafted into the army for two years. When he finished his time his manager “Colonel” Parker pushed Elvis into making shitty, formulaic musical comedies.

Though, unlike some people on this list (I’m looking at YOU, Mariah Carey), Elvis had the charisma to pull this off. I’ve actually always viewed Elvis as charisma first, singer second. Because he was essentially a pretty white face to sell black music to mainstream America. But the sheer amount of these movies takes the novelty off it. There’s really no time to go into them…but, suffice to say, all of them were made on a miniscule budget. So, you can imagine what we’re talking about here.

In fairness, if viewed as merely a marketing ploy, then at least the first half of the decade had some decent soundtracks behind them (come on…Viva Las Vegas?). But even that major positive had worn down by the end of the decade, and Elvis wouldn’t have a decent song again until the release of Suspicious Minds in 1969. In fact, by 1967, Elvis was seen as a bit of a punch line, largely due to these ghastly films. At least Cliff Richard was always a bit of a joke, which makes Summer Holiday kinda funny in a way. With Elvis, it was a bit of a sad downfall.

4. Glitter (2001)

Starring: Mariah Carey



I hate Mariah Carey. Oh, sure…she’s a great vocalist. But, I think we need to draw a distinction between a vocalist and a singer; a vocalist can hit all the notes, but a singer makes you BELIEVE it. But I at least get who her music is made for, I get it’s purpose. I have no idea what the purpose of this is. Hell, I’m not even sure what the story is.

The whole thing is a mess. I actually don’t know where to start. It’s set in the 80s for no reason at all (seriously, I see no significant references to the 80s, and the music sounds like it’s from the early noughties). It’s a typical rags-to-riches story that implies being a famous singer is the only important thing in the whole world, but so incompetently put together that it actually beggar‘s belief. Every time you think they’ve planted a plot seed, it turns out the scene goes nowhere. As she gets successful, she begins to drift from her friends. This is solved three minutes later by a shopping spree. She’s told to show more flesh, and you think they’re moving into an area where she has to contemplate whether it’s worth compromising your integrity for fame. Instead she just wears a bikini.

Weirdly, the whole film is about [insert character’s name]’s career and her relationship with her boyfriend/producer (who, for some reason, is played by Max Beasley), and yet the big climax is her reuniting with the drunk mother who we saw for about 2 minutes whilst the opening credits rolled. What the actual fuck?

The movie tanked (obviously). Mariah - who has the emotional range of a spatula as an actress - has openly blamed this on the fact that the soundtrack album was released on September 11th 2001, and the movie ten days later. In actual fact, the movie and the music suck.


3. Michael Jackson’s Moonwalker (1988)

Starring: Michael Jackson, Sean Lennon (for some reason)



The trailer says “nothing could prepare you for his movie”. You got that right, mister. This is basically the beginning of Michael Jackson’s self-important, egotistical, floating a statue of himself down the Thames period which basically lasted until the day he died. The film begins with a performance of Man In The Mirror, which ends with world leaders signing peace treaties. The implication seemingly being that Michael Jackson made this possible? What follows is twenty minutes of Jackson reminding you of how awesome he is. I’m not kidding. The first twenty minutes or so is just CLIPS of music videos, live performances, glorified slide shows, him collecting awards…etc…he almost starts to come across as having some kind of inferiority complex. “Please like me…please like me…I’ll do anything for you…JUST LOOOOOOOVE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE”.

Following those twenty minutes is the full video for the song Leave Me Alone. Are you freakin’ kidding me? Let me put that into context. He just went; “look at me, hey…over here…look how amazing my songs are…look how popular I am…look at how awesome my dancing is…look at me. Now, fuck off.”

Then there’s the main event of the movie. A short film starring Michael Jackson playing the incredibly complex role of…Michael Jackson. He’s playing catch in a park with three orphans and a dog, when the dog goes missing. Michael and the girl go off to find the dog, but instead stumble across Joe Pesci talking to some spiders and laying out an alarmingly detailed plan about how he’s going to sell drugs to kids. He sees Michael and sends his henchmen to find him. During a lengthy chase scene that comprises of the same two shots re-cut, Michael gets cornered. So, he decides to turn himself into a car (who hasn’t done that in our hour of need?) and drive to a secret club to meet the kids. The kids aren’t there. In a spur of the moment move, the club decided to turn itself into a mafia club from the 30s. Despite knowing that the kids are probably in danger, Michael decides to sing an extended version of his hit Smooth Criminal. Then the girl gets captured, but the other two kids aren’t (for some reason). So, they go to rescue the girl, and Michael turns himself into a killer robot, and finally a spaceship and flies away. He then comes back to perform some kind of weird Beatles tribute show, possibly to take advantage of the fact that he’s just bought the rights to The Beatles back catalogue. Fin.

This story MAKES NO SENSE. None of it is explained. WHY can he turn himself into cars, robots and spaceships? Also, why is it called Moonwalker? I know he moonwalks in it, but it could have just as easily been called;

Michael Jackson’s Tip Toe Stander
Michael Jackson’s Twirly Fucker
Michael Jackson’s Crotch Grabber

The game that tied in with the movie was cool, though. But in hindsight, a game where Michael Jackson walks around picking up kids might be in poor taste.



2. Graffiti Bridge (1990)

Starring: Prince, Morris Day, George Clinton, Mavis Staples, Tevin Campbell



PRINCE is a musical genius. Seriously, there’s nothing the guy can’t do. Musically. Because he certainly can’t act, screenwrite or direct movies. And the proof is in two particular brands of pudding; 1986’s Under The Cherry Moon and this monstrosity.

Set in some kind of parallel universe were Prince is apparently twinned with Jesus Christ (and I thought Michael Jackson was the one with the Christ complex), an angel comes down to…uh…actually, I don’t know why the angel comes down. It’s not really made clear. She’s just there. And he fucks it. Regularly. Then she dies. Which is weird, because I was always under the impression that angels were either dead already or immortal.

The movie was supposed to be a sequel to 1984’s vastly superior Purple Rain (a movie so successful that pretty much every “pop star movie” now rips it off to a less successful extent…in fact Eminem’s 8 Mile is basically a remake), but other than Prince’s character The Kid talking to his dead dad and the presence of Morris Day (who couldn’t even save this piece of shit, no matter how ironically awesome he is), it has absolutely fuck all to do with it. This is so bad MADONNA turned it down. And if you’ve ever seen Madonna’s movies, you will know why that is so shocking.

Thankfully, unlike Under The Cherry Moon, the music is very much in the forefront rather than incidental. Although the music is nowhere near as strong as Under The Cherry Moon and especially Purple Rain, there’s still some pretty decent performances in it, as well as cameos from legends like George Clinton and Mavis Staples. Which is a nice distraction.


1. KISS Meets The Phantom of the Park (1978)

Starring: Paul Stanley, Gene Simmons, Ace Frehley, Peter Criss (KISS)



Imagine The Beatles A Hard Days Night. Mix it up with Star Wars. Put KISS in it. What do you get? Crap.

This was released during KISS’ absolute commercial peak in 1978. They were everywhere in the USA of America. And they were looking for ways to capitalise on this. So, despite the fact that KISS can’t act, the management thought it would be just a downright cracking idea to put them in a movie about a man who runs a theme park trying to turn humans into cyborgs.

To be fair, if any band should have made a movie, it’s KISS. They just shouldn’t have made this one. The one thing they do right is keep up the pretence of KISS as superheroes. But, that’s all they did right. Guitarist Ace Frehley spends most of the movie saying “ACK!” and little else. Plus, he apparently couldn’t be arsed with the movie, and so is in most scenes replaced by his African American stunt double. Meanwhile, drummer Peter Criss’ dialogue was apparently so incomprehensible that they overdubbed his voice with some other miscellaneous dude’s.

Singer/guitarist Paul Stanley gives us an acting master class with the immortal line “you’re looking for someone…but it’s NOT KISS”. He also constantly pouts at the camera. Including mid-way through a fight scene. And bassist/singer Gene Simmons actually breathes fire. Well…I say he actually breathes fire…he breathes something that appears to have been taken out of a cheap anime. It’s so realistic that I almost didn’t not fall out of my chair.

POP WORLD: One Direction - Best Song Ever

One Direction have crossed a line.

I could handle the way they manipulate their confused audience of teenage girls by constantly singing about them and telling them they love the things they're insecure about. Take Little Things, for example, “sure, you’ve got big thighs, a dimple in your back, a squeaky voice and a bit of a moustache, but I love those little things about you”. Then there's "YOU don't know YOU'RE beautiful", "YOU'VE got that one thing“, “let me kiss YOU“. So far, its not been “her“ or “she“. No, its always been YOU, provided you buy this record, you gullible thing, you. But I could handle that, because its an old boyband trick.

And to be honest, I found the way they always end every song with the floppy haired one saying the name of the song quite funny in its sheer repetitiveness. Every single one of those songs has the one that they are quite obviously prepping for a solo career saying “you don’t know your beautiful”, “let me kiss you”, “one way or another” etc at the end.

And I could just about take it when one of them was wearing a fucking RUSH t-shirt in the video for their Comic Relief single. Although I can’t imagine any One Direction fan being into Xanadu…



But, this is also where they really started to piss me off, as opposed to just being a minor annoyance. The moment at the BRIT Awards where they “launched” into Teenage Kicks was incredible. Because if you listened carefully, you could actually hear every former punk rocker in the UK simultaneously shouting “FUCK OFF” at the screen.

And now this.



Their incredibly bland new song (ironically titled Best Song Ever, which I‘ll deal with in due course) quite clearly rips off The Who. The intro is Baba O' Riley. Even the sound of the piano is EXACTLY the same. As if we wouldn’t notice that you just pissed on a Picasso.



And this isn’t the first time they’ve done it. Live While We’re Young?



…Should I Stay Or Should I Go?…



Even their first hit, What Makes You Beautiful?



Seriously? Did nobody in the office say “I’m sure I’ve heard this before“?



So, clearly there’s a pattern emerging. One Direction’s songwriters are so lazy and know their fans will buy anything they put in front of them, that from the very beginning they’ve just been taking riffs from other songs, and REALLY famous ones too - they didn’t even bother to go for b-sides - and building an inferior song around them.

But what about this new one?

Quite frankly, the dumbest song title that has have been bestowed upon any piece of “art“, and I include Piss Christ in that. The song they refer to in the lyrics is not the song they’re singing, but the implication is clear; THIS is the best song ever. To have the sheer BALLS to claim that this is the best song ever after SIXTY fucking years of rock & roll is astoundingly arrogant.

Lyrically, as you might expect, knowing there isn’t any danger of “Directioners” moving on for another year or two means that they can come up with any old clichéd drivel, although this one stood out;

Said her name was Georgia Rose, and her daddy was a dentist

You know, Bruce Springsteen names his characters too. But, he follows his characters lives throughout his albums. They go nowhere with the "Georgia Rose" thing. Her name is Georgia Rose? Whoop-de-fucking-doo. I named my pinky toe Willbert, you don't hear me banging on about it. And the fact that her dad "was a dentist". Is there any reason that we need to know this? Is there a twist at the end where it turns out all your teeth fall out, but luckily, you're going out with a dentist's daughter and no little girl of his is going to be knocking about with a guy with no fucking teeth. Nope, it's just a bit of miscellaneous filler.

Plus, she said her dad "was" a dentist, which implies he isn't anymore. What happened? Did he leave the profession at his own will or was he barred from ever performing dentistry again?

We danced all night to the best song ever
We knew every line now I can't remember
How it goes but I know that I won't forget her '
Cause we danced all night to the best song ever
I think it went oh oh oh
I think it went yeah yeah yeah
I think it goes, oh

You know, the whole concept of this song sound eeringly familiar. Let me think; the best song in the world, you forget how it went, and you’re trying to figure it out. Where do I know that from?



Ah, yes. That’ll be it. Of course, the difference here is that it’s played for laughs and not meant to be taken seriously.

Further on down the road…

You know I know you know I will remember you
I know you know I know you'll remember me

You know I know you know I'll remember you
I know you know I hope you'll remember how we danced
How we danced

What? JUST SPIT IT OUT, BITCH. What you’re trying to say is “we’ll remember each other and that we danced”. So just say that. Get to the point. Elongating it does nobody any favours; it makes you sound stupid and keeps the song going a couple of seconds longer, and there's no need for us to be punished for your stupidity.

As for the performance? Well, One Direction are sold as individual personalities; there’s the sensible one, the moody one, the cheeky one, the Irish one. Although, in reality, they are all simply “the cute one”. There is no personality in their voices at all. You can’t really tell one apart from the other. They may have distinctive personalities on stage, I wouldn’t know. But I do know that they have none in their songs. They are completely interchangeable.

So this is, basically, just another bland One Direction song. But somehow this is slightly worse. The title actually makes it sound like a parody of One Direction. There’s only so long they can continually churn out the same product, and Simon Cowell knows that, which is why they have been omnipresent for the last 18 months. They're striking while the iron is hot as often as possible.

A quick question for the One Direction fans who will likely comment underneath via the medium of death threats (as they often do on twitter); do you know who Leif Garrett is? In the late 70s he was in the teen idol position that One Direction are currently in. Look how stupid he looks...

POINTLESS LISTS: The Top 5 Otis Redding Songs That I Initially Didn't Realise Were Sam Cooke Songs

I remember being a kid and my dad picking up an Otis Redding compilation in, like, Asda or Tesco or something. I remember him coming home and playing it immediately; Respect, Mr Pitiful, I Can’t Turn You Loose, (Sittin’ On) The Dock of the Bay. Bona fide brilliance in every damn song.

A few years later, as I grew into my teens, I got a bit disillusioned with Otis. I regret that feeling now, but when I found out that a lot of the songs on the collection were covers, I felt a little betrayed. I had been led to believe Otis was a great songwriter, and he could be (who would argue with Respect or Dock of the Bay?), so I was puzzled as to why he did My Girl and Satisfaction. I was pissed. I almost viewed him as no better than the boy bands who were littering the charts at the time.

Of course, now I recognise how wrong I was. Otis was, in fact, one of the greatest interpreters of all time. He could bring out sides to these songs that you didn’t even know were present.

Most of Otis’ albums featured at least one Sam Cooke cover. It was clear that Otis held Sam in high esteem (and the reason why is obvious). Because of Otis’ popularity in the UK, I often think that Sam gets overlooked somewhat in this regard, despite being one of the most significant artists of all time, and - next to Ray Charles - probably the most important artist in the development of soul music. So, here’s the Top 5 Otis Redding Songs That I Didn’t Initially Realise Were Actually Sam Cooke Songs. Both men bring a different take on each of these songs, which shows you what incredible singers they were, and I’m showcasing them side by side in order to make this apparent, and not to compare, because both men were incomparable.

5. You Send Me

Sam’s first pop single after leaving his gospel group The Soul Stirrers behind. Released in 1957, it’s miles ahead of the other R&B records released that year and pointed the world in the direction that soul music would eventually go. And just to piss off the entire recording industry, Sam - a black man - wrote, produced and recorded the song himself. I bet that riled them up…“how dare a black man be so talented?”



Like a lot of Otis’ renditions of Sam’s songs, he made it slightly funkier and a lot less smoother (that might have as much to do with Stax’s house band, Booker T & The Mgs, though it could also be down to Otis‘ southern grit). This was actually from Otis’ debut, Pain In My Heart, which was released the year of Sam’s death.




4. Bring It On Home To Me

A 1962 hit for Sam (although, the B-side Havin’ a Party charted first). This would go on to become one of the most covered songs in the history of soul music. As a bit of miscellaneous trivia, that’s also Lou Rawls singing back up and trading “yeahs” with Sam.



Otis recorded his version with fellow Stax artist Carla Thomas on their duet album King & Queen, which was inspired by the Marvin Gaye duet albums of the same period (with Mary Wells, Kim Weston, Diana Ross and, most successfully, Tammi Tarrell). The duet gives the song a completely different dynamic and sounds a little more like a reconciliation than the plea of Sam’s version.




3. Chain Gang

Legend has it that Sam was on tour and stumbled across an actual prison chain gang. He and his brother felt bad for the guys and gave them several cartons of cigarettes. Sam’s second-biggest US hit in 1960.



Otis recorded this one in 1966 on The Soul Album. His version is much funkier than Sam’s version. In fact, I’m listening to it as I type this and I’m doing the geeky white guy dance. Weirdly, there’s something quite Louie Louie-ish about the intro.




2. A Change Is Gonna Come

Sam thought Dylan’s Blowing In The Wind should have been written by a black man. So, he wrote his own. He recorded it in 1963, but it wasn’t released until after his death in 1964, and was only a modest hit at the time. However, a few years later the song became an unofficial anthem of the civil rights movement.



By the time Otis recorded the song two years later on his Otis Blue album, the civil rights campaign was well and truly in full swing. Otis’ version is a bit more energetic than Sam’s original. Which is odd given that it’s a ballad. Obviously, Otis would have his own defining posthumous ballad in the form of Dock of the Bay.




1. Shake

The B-side for A Change Is Gonna Come. Rousing song that, unfortunately, Sam doesn’t ever seem to have played live (I can’t find any recordings of it anyhow).



Otis again recorded this on Otis Blue. His version is listed in The Songs That Shaped Rock & Roll. Again, a lot less smooth than Sam’s version…gets a bit funkier, as per the style at the time and perhaps it suits the theme of the song a bit better than Sam’s arrangement.

POINTLESS LISTS: Queen at 40

Queen were always hated by critics, but loved by the masses. I still meet the occasional Pitchfork-reading snob who claims to hate everything Queen stood for, only to have them finish by saying “…but, Innuendo is a good song”. Since Mercury’s death, they also have a massive case of hypocritis, lambasting everything May and Taylor do with Queen’s legacy by saying “Freddie would be turning in his grave”.

Ironically, Freddie was on record as saying that his music meant nothing. Apparently on his deathbed he said “do what you want with my music, but never make me boring”. I have made a lot of excuses for Queen’s actions over time, making the argument that they were simply keeping the band fresh in people’s minds, and I actually quite enjoyed the Queen + Paul Rodgers project (I took exception with Adam Lambert, that was going too far). And it’s hard to deny that, if this was the reasoning behind a lot of their projects since 1991, then they have succeeded, because Queen are as big in the UK as they ever have been.

This week is forty years since the release of Queen’s debut album, even though, for some reason, they felt the need to celebrate their 40th anniversary last year; a year after they formed and a year before their debut. You have to wonder what goes through Brian May’s head recently. First he can’t do math, despite having a PhD in physics and secondly he thought this would stop the badger cull and is in any way a good idea:



But, I digress. To commemorate this moderately momentous occasion, I’m going to list the Top 10 Queen album tracks for shits and giggles. I grew up as a massive Queen fan. For a good few years, they were just about the only band I listened to. So, because I have a big head, I think that qualifies me to have some authority on this. There’s going to be no hits, no Bohemian Rhapsody, no sporting anthems. This is pure obscurity.


10. Need Your Lovin’ Tonight

I’ll admit, a pretty lightweight number from 1980’s The Game. Basically, it’s a Beatles-sounding power pop number by John Deacon. But, as pop songs go, it’s pretty catchy and I can never get it out of my head when I’ve heard it.




9. Keep Passing The Open Windows

Freddie Mercury initially wrote this song for the movie The Hotel New Hampshire, but it wasn’t used so it ended up on 1984’s The Works. You can kind of tell it was written for a movie, because there’s something quite cinematic about it. Quite heavy use of synths. Always loved this one. Real shame that it’s not very well known.




8. Was It All Worth It?

By 1989’s The Miracle, Freddie knew he didn’t have long to go. In fact, it was a miracle in itself that he managed to make another album in his lifetime. That gives this song some added weight. As he muses over his career, he sums it all up; “yes, it was a worthwhile experience”. It also helps that the song harks back to the band’s 70s sound somewhat, including an orchestrated breakdown halfway through.




7. Death on 2 Legs (Dedicated 2...)

Probably Queen’s most vindictive song. Opening the A Night At The Opera album, it’s Mercury’s “fuck you” to former manager Norman Sheffield. May was so tacken aback by the incisiveness of the lyrics that he claims he felt uncomfortable singing them.




6. Mother Love

This is the last track Freddie ever recorded. In fact, he never finished it (hence why Brian May sings the final verse). Appeared on 1995’s posthumous Made In Heaven.




5. One Year Of Love

John Deacon truly was Queen’s secret weapon. To this day, he doesn’t get the credit he deserves. This was one of the songs the band composed for the movie Highlander and is culled (sorry Brian, "taken") from 1986’s A Kind of Magic.




4. Doin’ All Right

This is actually a song from May and Taylor’s previous band, Smile, and consequently, the other member of Smile, Tim Staffell, gets a writing credit. It’s quite a 60’s sounding song as a result, and the first of many Queen songs to feature several musical styles throughout.




3. Tenement Funster

Roger Taylor sings this one from 1974’s Sheer Heart Attack (unscientifically non-proven by moi to be Queen’s greatest album). This is probably as cool as Queen get, which isn’t saying much in fairness. Taylor’s delivery is top notch. His voice is like a less annoying Rod Stewart.




2. March of the Black Queen

A Freddie song from 1974’s Queen II. I wish I could tell you what this song is about. I really do. But I haven’t got a fucking clue. And people thought Bohemian Rhapsody was bonkers…




1. It’s Late

A Brian May song from 1977’s News of the World. It just rocks. It starts as a mid-tempo rocker and gets surprisingly heavy. With A Kind Of Magic and Radio GaGa constantly drowning out the airwaves, it’s easy to forget how hard Queen could rock. All you need to do is play this to remind yourself. Maybe the best song they ever recorded?

POP WORLD: Britney Spears - Ooh La La

Oh, Britney Spears. It's not even funny anymore. How old are you now? 50? 55?

As you may recall, Ms Spears made the comeback nobody was waiting for last year with Scream & Shout, a collaboration with William (I'm sorry, but I refuse to call him Will.I.am. It‘s a stupid, stupid name). And the song was...well, let's not beat around the flaccid bush...it was awful. A tragic amalgamation of LMFAO’s Sexy & I Know It...



...The Time’s Jungle Love...



...Shout by Tears For Fears...



...and everything "William" has ever cobbled together. I swear, as soon as you bring "William" into the mix, it automatically stops being a decent pop song and just becomes an exercise in him telling you how awesome he isn’t.

So, all of those elements, plus Britters putting on a faux European accent (for some reason) and calling me a bitch, made this...



Sorry...I mean this...



BUT…it put Britney back on the pop map. And now it’s time for her to go it alone again.

Well, I say alone, her new single Ooh La La has seven fucking songwriters, so she’s not entirely alone, but she’s not featuring anyone on this. It's just Britney Spears being Britney Spears. Which means it's the sound of a woman sucking. And not in a good way.


And there's a problem straight away. The first verse goes;

You don't have to look like a movie star
Ooh I think you're good just the way you are
Tell me if you could would you up and run away with me?

Firstly, how the hell did it take seven people to write those lyrics? The entire premise of the lyric, that “it’s OK if you’re not a movie star, and it’s OK if you’re not a millionaire, because I love you and it’s fine” has been done to death and WAY better before. Off the top of my head…PRINCE...



PLUS, the first line of the song…that VERY FIRST LINE, the one that is supposed to get us emotionally involved in this situation…is an old line, a lot of people have used it…again, off the top of my head, My Guy...



It’s just lazy. It’s like me sitting here saying I’m gonna write a song about a guy called Jack who jumps and he’s really flash, and he has THREE gasses. But that would make me lazy and, let's face it, plagiaristc.


But, my biggest problem with the song is the chorus;

Ooh my my baby don't be shy
I see that spark flashing in your eye
My heart beats fast 'cause I want it all
So baby come with me and be my ooh la la

Take my hand, we can go all night
And spin me round just the way I like
It feels so good, I don't wanna stop
So baby come with me and be my ooh la la

Besides the fact that - between seven songwriters - they couldn't be arsed coming up with rhymes after the second fucking line (I rhymed more in that sentence than Britney does in that chorus), but the song is also clearly about sex. Which, in itself, isn't a problem. Most of the greatest songs of all time are about sex. But, most songs aren't the theme from Smurfs 2. So, one can only assume that it’s about Smurf sex. Just consider that for a second. Get a good mental image in your head of Papa Smurf getting down with his woman. It’s horrible. Eugh. I may not like gangsta rap songs about pimping ones ho, but at the very least, to my knowledge 50 Cent didn’t release P.I.M.P in conjunction with a Mickey Mouse movie.

You know why? Because that would be ina-fucking-ppropriate, that's why.


So, when it comes down to it, I probably think this outright sucks, right?

Actually, no.

Forgetting the Smurfs thing for a moment, my main complaint is that the song is unoriginal and has been done better before. And, believe me, even the title is unoriginal. Just type Ooh La La into Wikipedia and you’ll see songs by The Faces, Goldfrapp, The Wiseguys, John Cale and a handful of others. But complaining that Britney Spears is unoriginal is like complaining that the Ramones can’t play Beethoven’s 5th. Dude…that’s not the point. Nothing about Britney Spears has ever been original. Nothing about pop stars LIKE Britney Spears has ever been original. I may think it’s mediocre, uninspired and only moderately memorable, but that's Britney in a nutshell, so her fans will probably like it.