RockDocs: Color Me Obsessed - A Film About The Replacements

The notion of making a documentary on a band without using any of their music, footage, album covers or even pictures seems ludicrous. But, then, The Replacements were a ludicrous band. Their mystique has maintained in all this time, stories continue to circulate in an “I was there when…” fashion. They were the best band in the world. They were the worst band in the world. You either got it, or you didn’t. So why spoil it now?



The opening credits reveal that this “a potentially true story”, and proceeds in a ramshackle way. The only remotely musical thing that you hear is feedback. But it works. The Replacements, and front man/chief songwriter Paul Westerberg in particular, are notoriously difficult in allowing their music to be used on any old shit. Thus, it is unclear whether the film was designed in this way, or if rights to the band’s catalogue were impossible to secure. Director Gorman Bechard insists it was designed this way. But it is typical of The Replacements that a documentary on them would not feature them at all.

This is the ultimate band of misfits (except maybe The Misfits). A “fuck you” attitude to everybody. They were one of only five bands banned from Saturday Night Live, and the only one banned for their backstage antics (given that this is a show built by out-of-control addicts, that’s quite an achievement). It wasn’t unheard of for them to end shows by literally physically fighting on stage. They had songs as painful and beautiful as Here Comes a Regular and Unsatisfied, with songs like Gary’s Got a Boner and Dope Smoking Moron providing ample juxtaposition. Their first major music video for the MTV generation featured just four straight minutes of a close-up of a speaker, with each and every video from that album being exactly the same (although, one of them was in colour). And that’s just what happened publicly.

Their spectre looms large throughout, as fans - both famous and not (including, bizarrely, Norm from Cheers)- spin stories. They almost become mythical, as fables and Chinese whispers (is that racist? I don’t know) come thick and fast; Tommy Stinson dropped out of high school by going into the headmasters office and blasting the Stink track Fuck School from a cassette player. Bob Stinson once played an entire show in a bin, which fell over during a guitar solo. They once played a sober show of all their own material that was technically very good, and it was considered one of their worst shows. Are these stories true? “Potentially”.

And all of those stories are great. They really are. They’re entertaining and funny and shocking and all the rest of it. But, the heart and soul of the movie comes from the personal experiences of the fans. The most emotional point comes from a group of fans discussing the impact the band’s songs had on their lives as teenagers. Teenagers who didn’t fit in, teenagers who were outcasts. Westerberg’s constant lyrical tightrope walk between the pain that one can feel in those situations, and the humour he can’t help but bring to the party, struck a chord with everyone who “got” The Replacements. Unsatisfied from Let It Be (yes, they had the balls to call an album Let It Be) is referenced as one of their finest, and the lyrics to that one seem particularly apt to someone of that age;

Look me in the eye
Then tell me that I’m satisfied
Was you satisfied?

Before reaching a jaded age of kids, a mortgage and responsibility, that’s a question of most people’s minds. Add that to Westerberg’s delivery of sheer pain, which makes Mick Jagger sound positively satisfied.



Something else that strikes you is the differing opinions of everybody interviewed; The Gaslight Anthem’s Brian Fallon says that everything you love about alternative bands today is in “an album called Tim”. Somebody else thinks Tim sucks. Some say they lost it after Bob Stinson was fired, others say their first without him, Pleased To Meet Me, was their best album. Some hate that they added horns to Can’t Hardly Wait, others are offended that people didn’t know enough about rock ‘n’ roll to not expect horns on Can’t Hardly Wait. It all adds to the interest in a band who don’t care…but they kind of do care…but, fuck it, they don’t care.

The film stretches their formation, as a band formed solely to keep troubled kid Tommy out of trouble, to their onstage break up in Chicago in 1991, where towards the end of the gig, one by one, The Replacements were “replaced” by their roadies, told entirely through the eyes of fans and is possibly the best illustration of the band I have ever come across, including their records (which don’t prepare you for their shambolically brilliant live shows.

The one negative I would say is that the ending goes on a bit. As summaries and conclusions go, I think 15 minutes or so is a little too long.

If you know nothing about The ‘Mats, this may sometimes be difficult to follow. For example, discussing the front covers to Let It Be and Tim without seeing them renders the discussion moot to many. However, even for those people, the passion of those interviewed is often a heartwarming, particularly if there’s ever a band you have loved like a friend or family member. And if you don’t know much about them and you see the film…hey, you might be inspired to go check them out. If you love The ‘Mats, you’ll be digging out Hootenanny immediately after.

It's difficult to make a documentary on a band without using their music without it coming across as something from the Bio channel or E! But Bechard has pulled it off.

RockDocs: Michael Jackson - The Life Of An Icon

David Gest knew Michael Jackson. You probably already knew that, because he tells you every time he is on TV. He’ll break out an anecdote or just casually mention a time he just happened to be around. He also knows Tito.

I saw Gests’ Legends of Soul tour earlier this year. Wasn’t the best of line-ups, but Doo Wop legend Little Anthony did his first ever UK performances and Dennis Edwards - the last surviving classic Temptations lead singer - also performed. It was kinda cool when Gest wasn’t on stage. I played a game to pass the time during his lame attempts at comedy. “Let’s See How Long It Takes Him To Mention Michael Jackson”. If you are wondering: it was 45 minutes. Longer than I expected.

Gests’ masterpiece of “I knew Michael Jackson”-ness is his 2011 documentary Michael Jackson: The Life of an Icon. It got quite a large release, has deluxe packaging and runs for over 2 ½ hours. It’s gonna be epic, right?

No.



I literally JUST watched this (on Netflix, I didn’t buy it…I have standards). It is without a doubt the weirdest “official” documentary I have ever seen on musician. It comes across more as an E! True Hollywood Story-type thing. The biggest accomplishments of Jackson’s career are glossed over, whilst minor details are magnified analysed. Remember when the Jackson 5 did a disco-flavoured cover of the Supremes song Forever Came Today? Me neither. But Motown songwriter Lamont Dozier does (even though nobody mentions it was originally a Supremes song), and he would like to talk about it. At great length. How it was written, why it was written. Michael liked it too, and that’s why they recorded it. And the brothers all performed brilliantly on it. Oh, and by the way, Off The Wall was released in 1979.

Over an hour of the 2 ½ hour length are spent on the Jackson 5 years at Motown. It is very thorough, although it doesn’t quite talk to many people who were there - and Bobby Taylor who was one of the people who takes credit for the Jackson 5 seems to take way more credit than he really should. There are many clips of Jackson 5 performances (although none of the really famous ones), a lot of rare photographs that don’t seem to match the era they’re talking about; many photographs that are clearly Motown publicity pictures are used to illustrate the Jackson kids on the Chitlin circuit or at home in Gary, Indiana. Excuses are made for Jackson’s abusive father, Joseph, presumably because Gest is still a friend of the family and doesn’t want to upset anyone.

Then they leave Motown (an event which is for some reason soundtracked with Rockwell’s Somebody’s Watching Me), and then there is NO music from Jackson, either solo or with his brothers. No album covers, no official publicity shots. You see, the film was released by Universal, who now own Motown. My guess is they couldn’t - or couldn’t be bothered to - get the licensing for Jackson’s Sony archives. So, for example, Off The Wall is dealt with in a matter of seconds, the monster success of Thriller is glossed over, and apparently the Bad, Dangerous, HIStory and Invincible albums just didn’t exist.

Instead, we get Gest telling us that he introduced Jackson to Petula Clark. And he introduced Jackson to Paul Anka. And that he and Jackson produced a show together at Madison Square Garden that was all HIS idea. And Jackson once went to a party at his house and threw peanuts at Gloria Gaynor. And that Liam Neeson was his neighbour (yeah, by that point, it seems he’s forgotten that this is a documentary on Michael Jackson and just started talking about himself). Then, for some reason, they interview Mickey Rooney.

The remaining hour or so of the film is spent dealing with some of the controversies in Jackson’s life, and completely ignores his output throughout the entire period. The molestation charges are dealt with surprisingly well, to be fair, if expectedly one-sided, and attention is drawn the skin disorder that you may or may not believe (judging by some of the testimonies here, it’s worth believing), Jackson’s marriages and his plastic surgery - which, again in fairness, isn’t excused as much as you might think.

But there’s interesting avenues that could have been explored, and are staring you in the face, but the question is never asked. For example, when talking about Jackson’s secret addiction to prescription medication, they hark back to Jackson’s infamous Pepsi commercial, where his hair caught fire and caused serious damage to his scalp, leading to several very painful procedures, and specify that Michael never believed he was abusing drugs because he was using prescribed medication. This is not long after talking about his marriage to Elvis Presley’s daughter, Lisa Marie. Elvis, too, didn’t believe he had a drug problem, because he was using prescription drugs. Is that not an interesting parallel that is worth exploring about the dangers of extreme fame? No, apparently Whitney Houston wants to talk about Bubbles the Chimp sucking her toe in Michael’s kitchen.

There’s also some stuff that made me cringe a lot. Firstly, Jackson’s manager Frank DiLeo seems to make a bit too much of a deal about the fact that Michael “definitely wasn’t gay”. Nobody seemed to have asked the question, there is no way of knowing that this is where we were going here. He just yells it out. Why? Who cares? It’s kind of offensive that you are offended that somebody would think he was. What the fuck is wrong with being gay?

Then there’s a horribly cheesy moment at the end where Gest is sitting on a couch with Jackson’s mother. I watched it from between my fingers.

Overall, it makes me wonder how Gest made it as a producer. If this is the best he can do for someone he claims was one of his closest friends, then he really must be shit. It seems more like a tribute to himself. He even shows footage that must have been a bitch to track down, of Jackson thanking him at some awards show that Gest himself was producing (and chose Jackson personally to win that particular award). It’s an exercise in David Gest masturbating, and it’s only a little bit more unsettling than what that would literally look like. All the talking heads appear to be his “showbiz friends” who have little-to-nothing to do with the Jackson story, but Gest knows them and they’ve heard of Michael Jackson…so, fuck it, put em in there! And why is it that a man who claims to be so close to the Jackson clan not get clearance to use more footage from the Jackson archive?

All of this makes it all the more ironic when a whole section of the film is taken to have a go at people for using Jackson for their own ends.

There is a fascinating documentary to be made about Michael Jackson. His life story is too interesting, too contradictory and too widespread not to document. This ain’t it.

Until this hypothetical professional film is made, I would recommend this. This is a 100% unofficial film that was posted on YouTube. It is four hours in length, but it is extremely well executed. It’s mainly chronological, although occasionally jumps back to the lead up to Jackson’s 2005 molestation trial and doesn’t shy away from asking the difficult questions, some of which aren‘t answered and none of which are glossed over. I watched it one day when I was unemployed a year or two ago. Unlike Gests’ film, it doesn’t spend the entire duration saying Jackson was “a gift from God” or “he was the greatest entertainer who ever lived” and a “musical genius”, which is great because Jackson was none of those things (how can you possibly gauge who is the greatest entertainer who ever lived? And surely the greatest entertainer who ever lived wouldn‘t lip synch so often?).

It is very compelling, though not always comfortable viewing, and I would recommend watching it at some point if you are wanting to see a good documentary on Jackson. Kudos to the person who took the time to make this.

Arbitrary Lists: The Top 5 Absolute Worst Prince Albums

I did a post the other day about the Top 20 Best Prince (and Prince-Related) Albums. So, I thought it was only fair to redress the balance. So, here’s the Top 5 Worst Albums in Princedom. Trust me, the man may be a genius, but he’s truly been responsible for some stinkers.

Once again, these are solely based on my opinion, which makes it 100% correct…


5. 20Ten (Prince) [2010]

I’m not sure I’ve really got over the sheer level of disappointment that I greeted 20Ten with. Everybody Loves Me is probably the stupidest song he’s ever written (actually, no, that’s Purple and Gold). It’s telling that the album’s best track comes after 67 tracks of utter silence (seriously). Eventhe cover looks atrocious.

Saving grace: Beginning Endlessly, LayDown



4. Elixer (Bria Valente) [2009]

Technically, it’s not that bad, it’s just uninspired. Bria was apparently his girlfriend at the time, but she sadly lacked the charm of Vanity or Sheila E. Plus, it’s BOR-ING.

Saving grace: Another Boy


3. The Chocolate Invasion (Prince) [2004]

Released through his - for the time - revolutionary, but now sadly de-funked (see what I did there?) website, the NPG Music Club, but once again, BOR-ING. I hardly remember anything about this album. In fact, I forgot I had it.

Saving grace: U Make My Sun Shine


2. New Power Soul (New Power Generation) [1998]

Even this album’s engineer thought this was the worst album Prince ever made. I don’t, though. I think it’s…

Saving grace: The One


1. Apollonia 6 (Apollonia 6) [1984]

This one is the final album released to tie in with Purple Rain (the others being The Time’s Ice Cream Castle and, obviously, Purple Rain itself - see about those in the other list), and Prince definitely blew his load on the first two. The “big hit” on the album, the song they put in the movie and released as a single, is Sex Shooter. And, boy, does it suck. And not in the good, literal Sex Shooter kind of way. Sort of sets you up for the rest of the album.

Saving grace: Erm…the few seconds of silence at the end…?




And there you have it. Whilst we're on the subject of Prince though - and to leave on a positive note - I am liking the new, more rock n roll approach he's going for at the moment with his new band 3rdEyeGirl. They recently released a photo of the test pressing for the gatefold vinyl edition of the upcoming album PlectrumElectrum, Check it out;

ARBITRARY LISTS: Top 20 All-Time Prince (And Prince-Related) Albums

Been listening to a lotta Prince lately. Whilst doing so, I realised I hadn’t posted anything for while. So, one thing led to another and…HEY PRESTO! An arbitrary list that no-one will give a shit about.

I decided to compile a loosely accurate list of what I think are the best Prince albums, including albums where he wrote/produced/played everything on the record, and got someone else to sing over what he had already done and released it under the singer’s name (what many have determined to be his “protégés”…which I always think is a misleading name for them, because they never really had any say in what the fuck was going on).

The availability of some of these is difficult, because the Purple Midget refuses to allow a comprehensive reissue campaign of his entire catalogue.

I’ll also say that the following list is based solely on my opinion, which in turn means that it is definitely true and anyone who disagrees is an arse.

Anyhoo…let’s get this over with.

20. Planet Earth (Prince) [2007]

Given away free with the Mail on Sunday, which really should enrage me, but it is the first Prince album I got, I guess (even if I have never truly forgiven myself for getting the Mail that day). He was the first person to do that, and set off a trend of a few other artists doing the same thing. The Mail on Sunday’s circulation jumped up by around 3 million for that one day and, actually, though it’s not Prince’s most inspired album, it is pretty damn good considering most of it seems knocked off to put bums on seats for his 21 night long residency at London’s O2 arena. It worked, to be fair.

Stand-out tracks: Guitar, Somewhere Here on Earth, The One U Wanna C, Chelsea Rodgers


19. Diamonds & Pearls (Prince & The New Power Generation) [1991]

Prince’s biggest album without a corresponding movie (although there was a piss poor corresponding video collection that featured interviews with everyone but…uh…Prince). In the past, Prince had always led. Here it feels like he is following for the first time, but when it’s on…it’s still ON, my friend. The singles were pretty perfect for the time; the T. Rex-ness of Cream, the soul balladeering on the title track, the classic Prince funk-sex groove with added flute on Gett Off. Not that the album tracks were anything to sniff at; the almost Madchester Acid House sound of Live 4 Love, the breezy Strollin’. Just a shame he let his pretty piss poor NPG rapper Tony M take lead on Jughead, which is probably amongst the most embarrassing songs he’s ever written.

Stand-out tracks: Diamonds & Pearls, Cream, Strollin’, Gett Off, Money Don’t Matter 2Nite


18. The Black Album (Prince) [Recorded 1987/ Released 1994]

The reputation of The Black Album precedes it somewhat. In 1987, Prince planned to follow up his magnum opus with this dark funk bible. He had a change of heart (reasons for this differ somewhat: he became convinced the album was evil or possessed, he and Warner Brothers each reached a crisis of conscience over the album’s lyrical content, he experimented with ecstasy and had a bad trip which resulted in him having second thoughts on the album). Whatever the reason, the album was withdrawn and replaced with 1988’s much more positive Lovesexy. After this, The Black Album became widely bootlegged – so much so that it has been estimated as the most bootlegged album in recorded history. It’s official release in 1994 did much to debunk its reputation as the great lost album. Don’t get me wrong…it’s good. Very good. But there’s one too many filler tracks in there for it to be considered the album it was once considered to be.

Stand-out tracks: Le Grind, Cindy C, When 2 R In Love, Superfunkycalifragisexy


17. 8 (Madhouse) [1987]

As if to prove he could do anything (except, it seems, act), Prince decided to make an instrumental jazz album in 1987 (as you do). All the tracks were performed entirely by Prince, apart from lead sax and flute parts, which were played by longtime collaborator Eric Leeds. Prince would do further jazz-fusion experiments in the future (notably, on the Grammy-Award winning N.E.W.S in 2003), but those experiments would be much less cohesive and more meandering, compared to the first Madhouse album. Still, all of them are better than my instrumental jazz album. But, then, I recorded the whole thing on an old portable tape recorder using nothing put a can of tuna and a pair of slippers.

Stand-Out Tracks: One, Three, Six


16. Emancipation (O(+>) [1996]

The first album released after getting out of his Warner Bros contract, Emancipation is a lot to take at once. Three discs, each exactly one hour a piece and a total of 36 tracks, especially when you consider it was the third album he had released in 1996 (after Chaos & Disorder and the Girl 6 soundtrack). Obviously, with that much music, not everything is going to work, but there are many gems to be found within; Courtin’ Time is Delirious for the 90s, Get Yo Groove On is a summer jam you can throw on any given July, The Holy River is majestic in its story of his union with then-wife Mayte, brilliantly he manages to create a song around the sonogram of his unborn child (Sex In The Summer). That’s not to say there aren’t real clunkers (did he really need to record Joan Osborne’s One Of Us? Then again, did Joan Osborne really need to record it? Awful song), but it’s well worth sifting through those to get to the good stuff.

Stand-out tracks: Jam Of The Year, Get Yo Groove On, In This Bed Eye Scream, Sex In The Summer, The Holy River, The Love We Make, Emancipation


15. The Time (The Time) [1981]

Prince’s first protégés, The Time were formed when Prince commandeered frontman Morris Day’s groovy Partyup for his Dirty Mind album. In return, Prince helped Day put a band together (a band that featured of note, future superstar R&B producers Jimmy Jam & Terry Lewis). For the first time, but not the last, Prince wrote, played and produced everything himself under the pseudonym Jamie Starr, with Morris Day adding his vocals later. Prince still plays Cool on stage to this day. Chilli sauce!

Stand-out tracks: Get It Up, Cool, Girl


14. Vanity 6 (Vanity 6) [1982]

One of the many Prince protégés to be not very talented, but have a certain look he liked (in this case: stripper and/or lingerie model). It’s fun to listen to, though, if not Earth-shattering. Vanity 6 were a girl group with a MPLSound twist. Hit single Nasty Girl still gets sampled quite a bit, and Vanity isn’t without charm. Prince himself duets on the trash talking If A Girl Answers (Don’t Hang Up). Vanity herself left before production started on the Purple Rain movie. Her exploits in this period are, weirdly, chronicled in The Heroin Diaries, a book by Motley Crue’s Nikki Sixx. Apparently, they nearly got married (if they had, she’d have been “Vanity Sixx” again, which I’m convinced is the only reason she was going out with him).

Stand-out tracks: Nasty Girl, He’s So Dull, If a Girl Answers (Don’t Hang Up)


13. The Glamorous Life (Sheila E) [1984]

Sheila E may seem like Vanity in that she was a good looking woman without a substantial vocal talent, but Sheila was an accomplished jazz drummer, so she more than has the musical chops, and the title track of this album is a bona fide 80s classic.

Stand-out tracks: The Belle of St Mark, Neon Rendezvous, The Glamorous Life


12. O(+> (Prince & The New Power Generation) [1992]

A completely bonkers hip hop soap opera concept album thingy (many years before R. Kelly degraded the idea with Trapped In The Closet, which sounds more like the working title for Tom Daley: The Movie). The storyline isn’t exactly coherent, and the accompanying direct-to-video movie based on the album (3 Chains O’ Gold) does absolutely nothing to clarify anything (and that's probably the most positive review you will find of the movie)…but when it’s good, it’s good (as much as I detest Eye Wanna Melt Wit U), I love The Morning Papers and 7. My Name Is Prince seems embarrassing to begin with, but the more I hear it, the more I see it as a parody of the hip hop that was breaking through at the time. He weirdly seems to evoke Queen on 3 Chains O' Gold.

Stand-out tracks: My Name Is Prince, Sexy MF, Love 2 The 9s, Morning Papers, 7, 3 Chains O’ Gold


11. Ice Cream Castle (The Time) [1984]

The Time’s final album in their original incarnation (well…I say that, but Jam & Lewis had already been fired at this point…although they did become the most sought after R&B producers in the world soon after, so I doubt they cared). The ones from Purple Rain are on it. Need I say more?

Stand-out tracks: Ice Cream Castles, Jungle Love, The Bird


10. The Family (The Family) [1985]

The album with the original Nothing Compares 2 U on it (no, it wasn’t a b-side). The Family were formed after The Time split up from what was left of them, Prince’s on tour sax player and his girlfriend/guitarists’ sister. Oh, well…at least MOST of them were there for their talent. It’s an odd little album stylisticly; new wave, funk, pop, balladry, jazz-fusion. But definitely one of his strongest protégés. The main track of note is the aforementioned Nothing Compares 2 U, which many people assume was a rare b-side or written for Sinead O’ Connor. Not true. It appeared in very basic form here first.

Stand-out tracks: Screams of Passion, Mutiny, Nothing Compares 2 U


9. Jill Jones (Jill Jones) [1987]

A protégé album that actually has a lot of input from the artist herself for a change. Busy year for Prince, where nearly everything he did was golden. This is just more proof of that. The waitress from Purple Rain actually made a decent record. Who’d have thunk? No-one who saw her acting, that's for sure.


Stand-out tracks: Mia Bocca, All Day All Night


8. 1999 (Prince) [1982]

A dance album, above all else. This was his real breakthrough commercially. Listening to the albums that surround it, it sometimes takes you a tad aback when you hear the electroness of it all. Let’s Pretend We’re Married, Something In The Water (Does Not Compute), Automatic. The synths are all very 80s, but it hasn’t aged all that badly for a lil’ bit of Dance Music Sex Romance. Little Record Corvette is my favourite song. I have no reason to make that up.

Stand-out tracks: 1999, Little Red Corvette, Delirious, DMSR, Automatic


7. What Time Is It? (The Time) [1982]

The Time’s second album is WAY superior to their debut. Funky as hell, and this time around, Morris Day has his persona down to a T. So even the ballad (Gigolos Get Lonely Too) makes use of his ironic charm. Funnily enough, Morris’ satire on the stereotypical misogynist “player” seems more relevant today than it did then.

Stand-out tracks: Wild & Loose, 777-9311, Gigolos Get Lonely Too


6. Parade (Prince & The Revolution) [1986]

The soundtrack to a movie called Under The Cherry Moon. The album was good. The movie was not. In fact, it’s difficult to decide on the worst aspect of the movie. Prince decided (unwisely) to direct himself. As well as star. As well as compose the music. As well as write the screenplay. Yeah, he stretched himself a little thin. Hence, why the movie sucks arse (and not in a good way). The music in it is pretty good, though. Shame it’s relegated to the background. Prince’s next movie would be even worse. Can you imagine?

Stand-out tracks: Girls & Boys, Life Can Be So Nice, Mountains, Kiss, Anotherloverholenyohead, Sometimes It Snows In April


5. 3121 (Prince) [2006]

Prince’s first US #1 album since the Batman soundtrack in 1989. He really found his mojo again with this one. He actually sounds inspired again. Title track is a weird, very Prince-like party jam, Black Sweat is possibly the most comfortably modern he has sounded in years. It’s a relief, after the tiresome Musicology and the preachy Rainbow Children that he’s still able to get his Prince on.

Stand-out tracks: 3121, Lolita, Black Sweat, Love, Satisfied, Fury, Beautiful Loved & Blessed, Get On The Boat



4. The Gold Experience (O(+>) [1995]

His best album of the 90s by far, and the first released under that unpronounceable symbol. The only really major hit on the album was The Most Beautiful Girl In The World, which appears in slightly different form here. Endorphinmachine rocks, Shhh is sexy, Dolphin is catchy in the weirdest way possible and Gold is probably his Purple Rain of the symbol era.

Stand-out tracks: Endorphinmachine, Shhh, We March, The Most Beautiful Girl In The World, Dolphin, Gold


3. Dirty Mind (Prince) [1980]

He was playful and coy on his first two albums. On his third, he said “Morning, noon and night I’ll give you head”, “I don’t wanna hurt you, baby, I only wanna lay you down”, did it all night, had a threesome and confessed to (I hope, fictional) incest. The demo-like quality of the songs shows that often less is more. And if you’re gonna write a song about incest, you might as well make it catchy; “ooooohh, Sister…”

Stand-out tracks: Dirty Mind, When You Were Mine, Uptown, Head, Do It All Night


2. Purple Rain (Prince & The Revolution) [1984]

The big one. Probably the only truly calculated album of his career. When they started work on the album, a soundtrack to the corresponding movie, Prince had over 100 songs written and ready to go. However Take Me With U, When Doves Cry and Purple Rain itself didn’t even exist at that point.

Stand-out tracks: Probably the whole thing


1. Sign “O” The Times (Prince) [1987]

Purple Rain may be his commercial behemoth, but I don’t think many would argue that this is artistic magnum opus. A double album, largely recorded on his own, it features probably every shade of Prince. If you reach the end of it, and didn’t like any of it…then you don’t like Prince, simple as. It’s a lot to take at once…but, damn, is it glorious. Check out the concert movie too.

Stand-out tracks: Sign “O” The Times, Housequake, Starfish & Coffee, Forever In My Life, U Got The Look, If I Was Your Girlfriend, I Could Never Take The Place Of Your Man, Adore





...and there you have it. If you disagree, I don't care.

The BRIT Awards 2014 - The Bad, The Very Bad and The Very, Very Bad

Oh, those crazy BRIT Awards. A messy, incoherent mess and an incestuous celebration of mediocrity. I mean…when the nominations are largely poor, you can’t expect the winners to be much better.

After a more than decent opening performance from Arctic Monkeys (who I’m not the biggest fan of, but hats off to them), the dreaded words that have been spoken for the last few years came booming through the TV set. Nine words to fill you with a sense of dread; “Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host, James Corden”.

Noooooooooooo!

They might as well have just replaced the announcement with some ominous organ music, signalling trouble ahead. He started off badly and grew progressively worse. Even the sycophantic audience seemed to think he was shit. Several people said “let’s have a round of applause for James Corden”, only to hear a pin drop somewhere off into the distance of the O2 Arena. He started off by coming on stage with his sleeve on fire. OH, I GET IT! Because Arctic Monkeys had pyro! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAA! No. He continued making bad jokes (“It’s Bastille and Rudimental…it’s Basti-mental!” Boooooo!) and awkward interviews (to One Direction: “So, do you have any advice for Justin Bieber in jail?” to Kylie Minouge: “which of these men do you want to make out with?”). It was painful, and it makes you wonder why they keep asking him back. Because he’s cheap and available? Because he’s not funny. And he tries too hard. Basically what I’m saying is; he’s a fat prick and I don’t like him.

As far as performances go…Katy Perry was weird. The performance looked like it should have been for a more up-tempo song, being as colourful as it was, but it was also weirdly low key. It was pretty forgetful. In fact, I did completely forget about it until Corden reminded me later on when Perry presented an award. Note: if I have to be told that I was blown away by her performance earlier, I probably wasn’t. Perry is a weird animal; in the last five years, she has slowly gone from guilty pleasure with fun pop ditties to full-on embarrassing irritant.

Bruno Mars is another weird one. As I’ve said elsewhere here; I KNOW he is talented. I’ve seen him be talented. But, all too often, he’s just shit. Gorilla? The FUCKING Lazy Song? Yeesh! Luckily, he did the best song he’ll ever write last night, the 70s Philly soul rave-up Treasure, so he had a good night (although, there’s no way his band listen to Black Flag, despite what their t-shirts may have said).

I thought the irony of Lorde performing Royals and winning Best International Female was somewhat ironic, given that the song is a criticism of nearly everybody in the arena at the time. Performance was OK, though. Still a bit “meh”.

Ellie Goulding probably did my favourite performance of the night. I mean, technically it was awful, but some of the drummers fell over at the front of the stage in a heap of calamity, and hilarity ensued (I hit rewind several times, highlight of the night).

Take a peek at 2.36



Then there’s the awards themselves.

The weird thing about the BRITS is that they want to seem credible but it’s on ITV (very much the station for idiots), so they can’t be as credible as they want to be. So, to keep the idiotic twittersphere happy, they seem to create awards for the shit bands that they actually have some stake in.

For example, the “Global Success Award”? They can’t give the Best British Group Award to One Direction, that would undermine the credibility they think they have…so they just invent an award to give to the pricks. The Best Video Award…ensure One Direction get up on stage twice by having the results voted for on Twitter, where One Direction fans live. It’s really quite fucking transparent. Who’d have thunk…ITV, who were partially responsible for One Direction flooding them with awards, eh?

Speaking of One Direction, did anyone else think it was weird when their rendition of One Way Or Another (Teenage Kicks) was nominated for Single of the Year? It’s a fucking cover version. Now, I’ll admit on paper, it is the best SONG that was nominated. But not that version. A cover version should NOT be nominated for any kind of Best Song-esque categories.

A few other little things; Prince was cool as ever…just a shame that twat Corden interrupted him to take a selfie with him. Although, I can’t promise I wouldn’t have one the same.



Would Tom Oddell have been nominated for so much had he not won the Critic’s Choice last year? It’s not like he’s made an impact since then.

It was nice that, for once, no-one from the BRIT School seemed to win.

If Janelle Monae is nominated for Best International Female, she best fucking win it. She is miles ahead of the rest of them.

By not showing up, David Bowie gained 50 billion dignity points.

Why do they no longer give out the Outstanding Achievement Award? I don't get it. There's plenty of British internationally recognised legends and pioneers who have never won it; Pink Floyd, Black Sabbath, Led Zeppelin...and yet they give it to Wham!, Duran Duran and the Spice Girls and then just don't bother to give it out anymore? Fuck you.

The awards are so incestuous. They really, really are. You have to be in a certain crowd to even be considered. You look at someone like, say...Frank Turner. He reaches #2 in the charts (higher than some of those nominated) and plays arena tours, and he doesn't even get a look in? Could it be because he did it without you lot? Maybe. I imagine he - and people like him - don't much care, but the idea that people of that ilk are being just completely overlooked at such big events does irk me.

Alex Turner did the best speech of the night.





In conclusion...the whole thing is at once a complete joke and boring as fuck. Way too slick and lifeless. Live TV with a bunch of boozed up rock stars should be dangerous and teetering on the edge. The days of Samantha Fox and Mick Fleetwood may have been embarrassing, but at least it was memorable. I say bring them back for an encore...

ARBITRARY LISTS: 2013 - The Very Best Songs of a Very Shit Year

It’s official! 2013 was fucking shit. Shit music, shit movies, shit publicity stunts. The worst part about the overall shittiness of 2013 is the bleak picture it painted for 2014. Breaking Bad ended…how are we supposed to get over that in 2014? Lou Reed died…what rock star is going to be an arrogant arsehole in 2014?

At the very least, the shit things (of which there were many) make you appreciate the good things that little bit more. In the spirit of that, this is my factually accurate Top 25 songs of 2013.

I have purposely not included anything from Sharks’ excellent Selfhood album out of spite, because they broke up and therefore broke my heart (how dare they dangle the carrot of the best British band since Suede in my face and then fuck off after 2 albums and an EP?)

Here we go anyhow…

25. Kiss The Girl (Suburban Legends)

Bit of a novelty to begin with. What’s wrong with something that will just make you smile, eh?



24. The Way I Tend To Be (Frank Turner)

Frank’s latest album has seen him reach a new peak commercially, reaching #2 in the charts, headlining an arena tour, winning Celebrity Mastermind over John Cooper Clarke (there’s a sentence I never thought I’d write)…but, I gotta say, it’s a long way off Love, Ire & Song. It’s good, but it seems to have lost it’s bite. Like a latter day Rolling Stones record; technically OK and perfectly fine…but…you know, Let It Bleed sounds hungry…



23. Why’d You Only Call Me When You’re High? (Arctic Monkeys)

Not an Arctic Monkeys fan by any stretch. Although I’ve never had anything against them, I never really got the hype around them. However, whenever I heard this one, I could not get it out of my head.



22. Mirrors (Justin Timberlake)

One of my major problems with Timberlake is that he only has one lyrical topic: how freakin’ awesome he thinks he is. He’s bringing sexy back one minute, his sexual prowess is gonna have you naked by the end of this song the next, and when that happens nobody gonna love you like HE love you. Yeah, whatever. Tosser. In fact, I think I might start calling him Justin Tosserlake, because he does really cunt me off.

Anyhow…at first I thought this would be a whole new beginning for him, because he starts by singing about how awesome someone else is. But then you get to the chorus; “it’s like you’re my mirror”. Damn. So close. Take away the lyrical content, though, and the music is actually pretty good. It’s probably not THAT great and it may just be the surprise at me being able to bear Justin Timberlake. But, I think it deserves it’s place here anyway.



21. Blue Collar Jane (The Strypes)

It’s just great to see 16 year old kids kickin’ out a full out blues rock jam.



20. Everything’s Coming Up Roses (The Replacements)

Technically, this isn’t that great. It’s clumsy, it’s all over the place, it’s a punk band playing an Ethel Murman song. But…that’s the spirit of The Replacements. You either love it or you don’t. And I love The Replacements. So, I love this.



19. Your Life Is A Lie (MGMT)

Hard to believe that this is the same band who had those pop ditties a few years ago.



18. No Expression (The Sufis)

Bit of Psychedelic Pop coming outta Nashville.



17. It Starts And Ends With You (Suede)

2013 was quite the year of comebacks. I guess this was one of the most unexpected. It was nice to see them get some credit when they did come back. Hope the reunion continues.



16. God Is Dead? (Black Sabbath)

This was a big one. Damn, man. Was so cool to see Ozzy and Iommi standing next to each other.



15. Screwdriver (Prince)

Nothing to do with the fascist neo-Nazi band of the same name. Nice to see Prince can still rock it at times. EYE’M UR DRIVER, UR MY SCCRRREEEEWWWWWW.

Prince - Screwdriver (Lyric Video) (2013)

14. Blew Up This House (Jonny Lang)

Jonny’s been away for a while. He came back last year with an album that was kinda patchy. His vocals and playing were as strong as ever, though, and he sounds far more experienced than the average 35 year old. He sounds like he’s been around the block, like he’s lived. This was the opening track on the album, and maybe the strongest cut.



13. We Be Kings (Dave Hause)

Total Springsteenian Americana.



12. Heartbreaker (Motorhead)

Lemmy’s had a tough year, but by fuck is that man resilient. Aftershock was Motorhead’s 21st album, and it’s kickin’ and screamin’. Their best since 2005’s Inferno and their most varied since the early 90s (though, admittedly, “varied” isn’t really a word you should associate with Motorhead).



11. Diane Young (Vampire Weekend)

I like that this is only very slightly off-centre. It sounds like it’s not at first, but it goes a way you only just about don’t expect it to, which makes it more the odder, especially as a single.



10. Pelvis Pusher (Vintage Trouble)

Vintage Trouble are still releasing special editions of their debut LP instead of releasing a new one. This was a bonus track on a new special edition. It’s been three years now, guys. Get to work!



9. Treasure (Bruno Mars)

Bruno Mars is an odd one. I know he’s talented, but he doesn’t really use the talent to it’s potential. And this year he proved to be better when he is pretending to be other people rather than being himself; Locked Out Of Heaven’s rip-off of The Police was actually pretty good, When I Was Your Man was a surprisingly tender piano ballad, and then there was this. No doubt released as a single on the back of Get Lucky’s success, it’s pure Philly soul. He followed it up with Gorilla, which ripped off Prince and was so bad that I can’t even be bothered to think of a fucking metaphor to relate how bad it is to you.



8. Bullshit (Adam Ant)

Another comeback. Album was difficult to get into because of the unorthodox production, but this one stood out immediately. Plus, we can all relate.



7. The Dream’s In The Ditch (Deer Tick)

A song in the Tom Petty vain that is better than anything Petty himself has done SINCE 1994'S Wildflowers.



6. Come To My Party (Black Joe Lewis)

THIS is how I do R&B. Complete funk-jam. Nuff said.



5. Valentine’s Day (David Bowie)

Bowie’s return was nothing if not spectacular. But what the hell can I say about this that hasn’t already been said? First single Where Are We Now? was a grower rather than something that would grab you, which made it an odd choice. But there was plenty of that on the album, and the song itself was much better in context with the rest of the album. In fact, that goes for most of it. The album as a whole was better than any of the individual songs. So, I picked this one out. Just because.



4. Get Lucky (Daft Punk ft Pharrell Williams & Nile Rodgers)

It is VERY rare that I would place a song that was THIS successful so highly. There’s a number of reasons for this; overexposure and the overall crappiness of the singles chart amongst them. BUT…even though I did get a bit sick of this at the height of it’s popularity…credit where credit’s due. It IS awesome. And it brought Nile Rodgers back into the collective consciousness, which can only be a good thing. Finally, here we had a dance song with a GROOVE, something that dance music has completely forgotten to do in the days of the electro rave-up.

Interestingly, someone said to me that Daft Punk sold out with Random Access Memories. I counter that. When they were recording the album in 2012, how could they have thought that 70s disco would be insanely popular in 2013? It’s one of the revivals I, for one, wasn’t expecting. It’s the success of this single that made 70s disco popular again.

Also…just like to point out: big hit with no video. It CAN be done.



3. St Valentine’s Day Massacre (The Twylight Zones)

The Twylight Zones are a fictional band from Soprano’s Creator David Chase’s movie debut, Not Fade Away, and the song was written by the E Street Band’s Stevie Van Zandt. And, in typical Stevie fashion, it’s awesome.



2. Bird Balloons (Lady Lamb The Beekeeper)

I don’t even know how to describe this. “Interesting” is maybe the most apt terminology. Stuff like this would never chart, and we’re worse off for it.



1. PrimeTime (Janelle Monae ft Miguel)

I was disgusted that this wasn’t a bigger hit. This is cool, sexy, jammin’, classy and with an awesome video. Shit, I think Janelle Monae might be too good for radio. This completely enchanted me when I first heard it, and it seems people in the know agree judging by the sheer amount of covers of this song that have made their way onto You Tube. I’m not normally a praying man, but if you’re up there…please make this a hit, Superman.




And that was the good stuff of 2013...join me next time when I'll be counting down the very best bread manufacturers of the last 12 months.

POP WORLD: Gorilla - Bruno Mars

Bruno Mars. Weird guy. I know he’s talented. He has a good ear for melody, not a bad producer. It’s just a shame he’s such an inconsistent songwriter and has no identity of his own. All the singles off his current album Unorthodox Jukebox have so far been Bruno Mars pretending to be other people; The Police (Locked Out Of Heaven), a smoky barroom singer (When I Was Your Man), a Gamble & Huff Philadelphia International artist (Treasure) and now, his new single Gorilla.



Well, it's pretty obvious that he appears to be aping (ignore the pun) somebody so far out of his reach that it’s really unsettling; Prince.



Prince is a fucking genius. Widely considered as such too, and rightly so. Bruno Mars is a long way off Prince. Though, on paper I guess it does make sense. And, in fairness, I have so far kind of preferred Bruno pretending to be other people than I have Bruno being his bland, boring self. Even on his first album Doo Wop & Hooligans, the best song/performances I ever came across was Runaway Baby, which was a complete James Brown pastiche.




Also…in fairness, Treasure was one of the best singles of the year…just sayin’.



But the Prince one doesn’t work. And it’s not just because I’m a Prince fan. When Prince sings about sex, he sounds like he believes it. But Bruno has a surprisingly weedy voice that doesn’t sound quite confident enough to pull it off. It’s smooth, but hardly at the level of Marvin Gaye. So, hearing him trying to scream on the verge of orgasm like Prince did circa Dirty Mind just makes my skin crawl.

As a song, Gorilla’s problems begin in the first line;

I got a body full of liquor and a cocaine kicker

Bruno…you’ve been in trouble for this before.



But the rest of the lyrics are just as bad. The problem is that the whole metaphor is greatly flawed. As a metaphor for sex, large primates just don’t work unless you’re into bestiality (there’s an interesting line of questioning next time he’s on a chat show…if Alan Carr or someone wants to ask Bruno about that, I‘d appreciate it). Furthermore, I’m guessing Bruno doesn’t know all that much about gorillas. Considering their size, they aren’t exactly well endowed, which doesn’t sound like a great starting point for a wild night of passion; “come on, baby…try and find my penis. It’s so comfortable, you won’t even know it’s there”. Plus, they mate very infrequently, which suggests that an entire night of passion is quite a big ask. Sexy. Phhhwwwooooaaarrrrrr!

Then there’s the clincher;

'Cause what I got for you
I promise it's a killer,
You'll be banging on my chest
Bang bang, gorilla

Gorilla’s don’t bang on other people’s chest, Bruno, they bang on their own chest. If you’re having sex and the woman is banging on your chest, it’s probably more likely that she isn’t exactly implicit in this act and she’s fighting you off. I mean, jeez…I thought Robin Thicke was being rapey in Blurred Lines.

The other possibility is that she’s banging on your chest trying to revive you after you OD’d on that liquor and cocaine kicker.

Bruno also seems to have no concept of the fact that just because something is sexual, that doesn’t mean it’s sexy. Take his description of his co-gorilla;

You got your legs up in the sky
With the devil in your eyes

A sexual image perhaps, but not a sexy image.

See?

Yeah, I got a fistful of your hair

That just sounds painful.

If the neighbours call the cops,
Call the sheriff, call the SWAT - we don't stop,
We keep rocking while they're knocking on our door
And you're screaming, "Give it to me baby,
Give it to me motherfucker!"

And that’s just one of the worst verses I’ve ever heard.

Basically, it’s a fucking dumb song that sees Bruno lamely try to sexualise his image and ultimately fails because all he’s done is prove that he can’t do it. Now, excuse me whilst I listen to Prince.