ARBITRARY LISTS: Top 20 All-Time Prince (And Prince-Related) Albums

Been listening to a lotta Prince lately. Whilst doing so, I realised I hadn’t posted anything for while. So, one thing led to another and…HEY PRESTO! An arbitrary list that no-one will give a shit about.

I decided to compile a loosely accurate list of what I think are the best Prince albums, including albums where he wrote/produced/played everything on the record, and got someone else to sing over what he had already done and released it under the singer’s name (what many have determined to be his “protégés”…which I always think is a misleading name for them, because they never really had any say in what the fuck was going on).

The availability of some of these is difficult, because the Purple Midget refuses to allow a comprehensive reissue campaign of his entire catalogue.

I’ll also say that the following list is based solely on my opinion, which in turn means that it is definitely true and anyone who disagrees is an arse.

Anyhoo…let’s get this over with.

20. Planet Earth (Prince) [2007]

Given away free with the Mail on Sunday, which really should enrage me, but it is the first Prince album I got, I guess (even if I have never truly forgiven myself for getting the Mail that day). He was the first person to do that, and set off a trend of a few other artists doing the same thing. The Mail on Sunday’s circulation jumped up by around 3 million for that one day and, actually, though it’s not Prince’s most inspired album, it is pretty damn good considering most of it seems knocked off to put bums on seats for his 21 night long residency at London’s O2 arena. It worked, to be fair.

Stand-out tracks: Guitar, Somewhere Here on Earth, The One U Wanna C, Chelsea Rodgers


19. Diamonds & Pearls (Prince & The New Power Generation) [1991]

Prince’s biggest album without a corresponding movie (although there was a piss poor corresponding video collection that featured interviews with everyone but…uh…Prince). In the past, Prince had always led. Here it feels like he is following for the first time, but when it’s on…it’s still ON, my friend. The singles were pretty perfect for the time; the T. Rex-ness of Cream, the soul balladeering on the title track, the classic Prince funk-sex groove with added flute on Gett Off. Not that the album tracks were anything to sniff at; the almost Madchester Acid House sound of Live 4 Love, the breezy Strollin’. Just a shame he let his pretty piss poor NPG rapper Tony M take lead on Jughead, which is probably amongst the most embarrassing songs he’s ever written.

Stand-out tracks: Diamonds & Pearls, Cream, Strollin’, Gett Off, Money Don’t Matter 2Nite


18. The Black Album (Prince) [Recorded 1987/ Released 1994]

The reputation of The Black Album precedes it somewhat. In 1987, Prince planned to follow up his magnum opus with this dark funk bible. He had a change of heart (reasons for this differ somewhat: he became convinced the album was evil or possessed, he and Warner Brothers each reached a crisis of conscience over the album’s lyrical content, he experimented with ecstasy and had a bad trip which resulted in him having second thoughts on the album). Whatever the reason, the album was withdrawn and replaced with 1988’s much more positive Lovesexy. After this, The Black Album became widely bootlegged – so much so that it has been estimated as the most bootlegged album in recorded history. It’s official release in 1994 did much to debunk its reputation as the great lost album. Don’t get me wrong…it’s good. Very good. But there’s one too many filler tracks in there for it to be considered the album it was once considered to be.

Stand-out tracks: Le Grind, Cindy C, When 2 R In Love, Superfunkycalifragisexy


17. 8 (Madhouse) [1987]

As if to prove he could do anything (except, it seems, act), Prince decided to make an instrumental jazz album in 1987 (as you do). All the tracks were performed entirely by Prince, apart from lead sax and flute parts, which were played by longtime collaborator Eric Leeds. Prince would do further jazz-fusion experiments in the future (notably, on the Grammy-Award winning N.E.W.S in 2003), but those experiments would be much less cohesive and more meandering, compared to the first Madhouse album. Still, all of them are better than my instrumental jazz album. But, then, I recorded the whole thing on an old portable tape recorder using nothing put a can of tuna and a pair of slippers.

Stand-Out Tracks: One, Three, Six


16. Emancipation (O(+>) [1996]

The first album released after getting out of his Warner Bros contract, Emancipation is a lot to take at once. Three discs, each exactly one hour a piece and a total of 36 tracks, especially when you consider it was the third album he had released in 1996 (after Chaos & Disorder and the Girl 6 soundtrack). Obviously, with that much music, not everything is going to work, but there are many gems to be found within; Courtin’ Time is Delirious for the 90s, Get Yo Groove On is a summer jam you can throw on any given July, The Holy River is majestic in its story of his union with then-wife Mayte, brilliantly he manages to create a song around the sonogram of his unborn child (Sex In The Summer). That’s not to say there aren’t real clunkers (did he really need to record Joan Osborne’s One Of Us? Then again, did Joan Osborne really need to record it? Awful song), but it’s well worth sifting through those to get to the good stuff.

Stand-out tracks: Jam Of The Year, Get Yo Groove On, In This Bed Eye Scream, Sex In The Summer, The Holy River, The Love We Make, Emancipation


15. The Time (The Time) [1981]

Prince’s first protégés, The Time were formed when Prince commandeered frontman Morris Day’s groovy Partyup for his Dirty Mind album. In return, Prince helped Day put a band together (a band that featured of note, future superstar R&B producers Jimmy Jam & Terry Lewis). For the first time, but not the last, Prince wrote, played and produced everything himself under the pseudonym Jamie Starr, with Morris Day adding his vocals later. Prince still plays Cool on stage to this day. Chilli sauce!

Stand-out tracks: Get It Up, Cool, Girl


14. Vanity 6 (Vanity 6) [1982]

One of the many Prince protégés to be not very talented, but have a certain look he liked (in this case: stripper and/or lingerie model). It’s fun to listen to, though, if not Earth-shattering. Vanity 6 were a girl group with a MPLSound twist. Hit single Nasty Girl still gets sampled quite a bit, and Vanity isn’t without charm. Prince himself duets on the trash talking If A Girl Answers (Don’t Hang Up). Vanity herself left before production started on the Purple Rain movie. Her exploits in this period are, weirdly, chronicled in The Heroin Diaries, a book by Motley Crue’s Nikki Sixx. Apparently, they nearly got married (if they had, she’d have been “Vanity Sixx” again, which I’m convinced is the only reason she was going out with him).

Stand-out tracks: Nasty Girl, He’s So Dull, If a Girl Answers (Don’t Hang Up)


13. The Glamorous Life (Sheila E) [1984]

Sheila E may seem like Vanity in that she was a good looking woman without a substantial vocal talent, but Sheila was an accomplished jazz drummer, so she more than has the musical chops, and the title track of this album is a bona fide 80s classic.

Stand-out tracks: The Belle of St Mark, Neon Rendezvous, The Glamorous Life


12. O(+> (Prince & The New Power Generation) [1992]

A completely bonkers hip hop soap opera concept album thingy (many years before R. Kelly degraded the idea with Trapped In The Closet, which sounds more like the working title for Tom Daley: The Movie). The storyline isn’t exactly coherent, and the accompanying direct-to-video movie based on the album (3 Chains O’ Gold) does absolutely nothing to clarify anything (and that's probably the most positive review you will find of the movie)…but when it’s good, it’s good (as much as I detest Eye Wanna Melt Wit U), I love The Morning Papers and 7. My Name Is Prince seems embarrassing to begin with, but the more I hear it, the more I see it as a parody of the hip hop that was breaking through at the time. He weirdly seems to evoke Queen on 3 Chains O' Gold.

Stand-out tracks: My Name Is Prince, Sexy MF, Love 2 The 9s, Morning Papers, 7, 3 Chains O’ Gold


11. Ice Cream Castle (The Time) [1984]

The Time’s final album in their original incarnation (well…I say that, but Jam & Lewis had already been fired at this point…although they did become the most sought after R&B producers in the world soon after, so I doubt they cared). The ones from Purple Rain are on it. Need I say more?

Stand-out tracks: Ice Cream Castles, Jungle Love, The Bird


10. The Family (The Family) [1985]

The album with the original Nothing Compares 2 U on it (no, it wasn’t a b-side). The Family were formed after The Time split up from what was left of them, Prince’s on tour sax player and his girlfriend/guitarists’ sister. Oh, well…at least MOST of them were there for their talent. It’s an odd little album stylisticly; new wave, funk, pop, balladry, jazz-fusion. But definitely one of his strongest protégés. The main track of note is the aforementioned Nothing Compares 2 U, which many people assume was a rare b-side or written for Sinead O’ Connor. Not true. It appeared in very basic form here first.

Stand-out tracks: Screams of Passion, Mutiny, Nothing Compares 2 U


9. Jill Jones (Jill Jones) [1987]

A protégé album that actually has a lot of input from the artist herself for a change. Busy year for Prince, where nearly everything he did was golden. This is just more proof of that. The waitress from Purple Rain actually made a decent record. Who’d have thunk? No-one who saw her acting, that's for sure.


Stand-out tracks: Mia Bocca, All Day All Night


8. 1999 (Prince) [1982]

A dance album, above all else. This was his real breakthrough commercially. Listening to the albums that surround it, it sometimes takes you a tad aback when you hear the electroness of it all. Let’s Pretend We’re Married, Something In The Water (Does Not Compute), Automatic. The synths are all very 80s, but it hasn’t aged all that badly for a lil’ bit of Dance Music Sex Romance. Little Record Corvette is my favourite song. I have no reason to make that up.

Stand-out tracks: 1999, Little Red Corvette, Delirious, DMSR, Automatic


7. What Time Is It? (The Time) [1982]

The Time’s second album is WAY superior to their debut. Funky as hell, and this time around, Morris Day has his persona down to a T. So even the ballad (Gigolos Get Lonely Too) makes use of his ironic charm. Funnily enough, Morris’ satire on the stereotypical misogynist “player” seems more relevant today than it did then.

Stand-out tracks: Wild & Loose, 777-9311, Gigolos Get Lonely Too


6. Parade (Prince & The Revolution) [1986]

The soundtrack to a movie called Under The Cherry Moon. The album was good. The movie was not. In fact, it’s difficult to decide on the worst aspect of the movie. Prince decided (unwisely) to direct himself. As well as star. As well as compose the music. As well as write the screenplay. Yeah, he stretched himself a little thin. Hence, why the movie sucks arse (and not in a good way). The music in it is pretty good, though. Shame it’s relegated to the background. Prince’s next movie would be even worse. Can you imagine?

Stand-out tracks: Girls & Boys, Life Can Be So Nice, Mountains, Kiss, Anotherloverholenyohead, Sometimes It Snows In April


5. 3121 (Prince) [2006]

Prince’s first US #1 album since the Batman soundtrack in 1989. He really found his mojo again with this one. He actually sounds inspired again. Title track is a weird, very Prince-like party jam, Black Sweat is possibly the most comfortably modern he has sounded in years. It’s a relief, after the tiresome Musicology and the preachy Rainbow Children that he’s still able to get his Prince on.

Stand-out tracks: 3121, Lolita, Black Sweat, Love, Satisfied, Fury, Beautiful Loved & Blessed, Get On The Boat



4. The Gold Experience (O(+>) [1995]

His best album of the 90s by far, and the first released under that unpronounceable symbol. The only really major hit on the album was The Most Beautiful Girl In The World, which appears in slightly different form here. Endorphinmachine rocks, Shhh is sexy, Dolphin is catchy in the weirdest way possible and Gold is probably his Purple Rain of the symbol era.

Stand-out tracks: Endorphinmachine, Shhh, We March, The Most Beautiful Girl In The World, Dolphin, Gold


3. Dirty Mind (Prince) [1980]

He was playful and coy on his first two albums. On his third, he said “Morning, noon and night I’ll give you head”, “I don’t wanna hurt you, baby, I only wanna lay you down”, did it all night, had a threesome and confessed to (I hope, fictional) incest. The demo-like quality of the songs shows that often less is more. And if you’re gonna write a song about incest, you might as well make it catchy; “ooooohh, Sister…”

Stand-out tracks: Dirty Mind, When You Were Mine, Uptown, Head, Do It All Night


2. Purple Rain (Prince & The Revolution) [1984]

The big one. Probably the only truly calculated album of his career. When they started work on the album, a soundtrack to the corresponding movie, Prince had over 100 songs written and ready to go. However Take Me With U, When Doves Cry and Purple Rain itself didn’t even exist at that point.

Stand-out tracks: Probably the whole thing


1. Sign “O” The Times (Prince) [1987]

Purple Rain may be his commercial behemoth, but I don’t think many would argue that this is artistic magnum opus. A double album, largely recorded on his own, it features probably every shade of Prince. If you reach the end of it, and didn’t like any of it…then you don’t like Prince, simple as. It’s a lot to take at once…but, damn, is it glorious. Check out the concert movie too.

Stand-out tracks: Sign “O” The Times, Housequake, Starfish & Coffee, Forever In My Life, U Got The Look, If I Was Your Girlfriend, I Could Never Take The Place Of Your Man, Adore





...and there you have it. If you disagree, I don't care.

The BRIT Awards 2014 - The Bad, The Very Bad and The Very, Very Bad

Oh, those crazy BRIT Awards. A messy, incoherent mess and an incestuous celebration of mediocrity. I mean…when the nominations are largely poor, you can’t expect the winners to be much better.

After a more than decent opening performance from Arctic Monkeys (who I’m not the biggest fan of, but hats off to them), the dreaded words that have been spoken for the last few years came booming through the TV set. Nine words to fill you with a sense of dread; “Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host, James Corden”.

Noooooooooooo!

They might as well have just replaced the announcement with some ominous organ music, signalling trouble ahead. He started off badly and grew progressively worse. Even the sycophantic audience seemed to think he was shit. Several people said “let’s have a round of applause for James Corden”, only to hear a pin drop somewhere off into the distance of the O2 Arena. He started off by coming on stage with his sleeve on fire. OH, I GET IT! Because Arctic Monkeys had pyro! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAA! No. He continued making bad jokes (“It’s Bastille and Rudimental…it’s Basti-mental!” Boooooo!) and awkward interviews (to One Direction: “So, do you have any advice for Justin Bieber in jail?” to Kylie Minouge: “which of these men do you want to make out with?”). It was painful, and it makes you wonder why they keep asking him back. Because he’s cheap and available? Because he’s not funny. And he tries too hard. Basically what I’m saying is; he’s a fat prick and I don’t like him.

As far as performances go…Katy Perry was weird. The performance looked like it should have been for a more up-tempo song, being as colourful as it was, but it was also weirdly low key. It was pretty forgetful. In fact, I did completely forget about it until Corden reminded me later on when Perry presented an award. Note: if I have to be told that I was blown away by her performance earlier, I probably wasn’t. Perry is a weird animal; in the last five years, she has slowly gone from guilty pleasure with fun pop ditties to full-on embarrassing irritant.

Bruno Mars is another weird one. As I’ve said elsewhere here; I KNOW he is talented. I’ve seen him be talented. But, all too often, he’s just shit. Gorilla? The FUCKING Lazy Song? Yeesh! Luckily, he did the best song he’ll ever write last night, the 70s Philly soul rave-up Treasure, so he had a good night (although, there’s no way his band listen to Black Flag, despite what their t-shirts may have said).

I thought the irony of Lorde performing Royals and winning Best International Female was somewhat ironic, given that the song is a criticism of nearly everybody in the arena at the time. Performance was OK, though. Still a bit “meh”.

Ellie Goulding probably did my favourite performance of the night. I mean, technically it was awful, but some of the drummers fell over at the front of the stage in a heap of calamity, and hilarity ensued (I hit rewind several times, highlight of the night).

Take a peek at 2.36



Then there’s the awards themselves.

The weird thing about the BRITS is that they want to seem credible but it’s on ITV (very much the station for idiots), so they can’t be as credible as they want to be. So, to keep the idiotic twittersphere happy, they seem to create awards for the shit bands that they actually have some stake in.

For example, the “Global Success Award”? They can’t give the Best British Group Award to One Direction, that would undermine the credibility they think they have…so they just invent an award to give to the pricks. The Best Video Award…ensure One Direction get up on stage twice by having the results voted for on Twitter, where One Direction fans live. It’s really quite fucking transparent. Who’d have thunk…ITV, who were partially responsible for One Direction flooding them with awards, eh?

Speaking of One Direction, did anyone else think it was weird when their rendition of One Way Or Another (Teenage Kicks) was nominated for Single of the Year? It’s a fucking cover version. Now, I’ll admit on paper, it is the best SONG that was nominated. But not that version. A cover version should NOT be nominated for any kind of Best Song-esque categories.

A few other little things; Prince was cool as ever…just a shame that twat Corden interrupted him to take a selfie with him. Although, I can’t promise I wouldn’t have one the same.



Would Tom Oddell have been nominated for so much had he not won the Critic’s Choice last year? It’s not like he’s made an impact since then.

It was nice that, for once, no-one from the BRIT School seemed to win.

If Janelle Monae is nominated for Best International Female, she best fucking win it. She is miles ahead of the rest of them.

By not showing up, David Bowie gained 50 billion dignity points.

Why do they no longer give out the Outstanding Achievement Award? I don't get it. There's plenty of British internationally recognised legends and pioneers who have never won it; Pink Floyd, Black Sabbath, Led Zeppelin...and yet they give it to Wham!, Duran Duran and the Spice Girls and then just don't bother to give it out anymore? Fuck you.

The awards are so incestuous. They really, really are. You have to be in a certain crowd to even be considered. You look at someone like, say...Frank Turner. He reaches #2 in the charts (higher than some of those nominated) and plays arena tours, and he doesn't even get a look in? Could it be because he did it without you lot? Maybe. I imagine he - and people like him - don't much care, but the idea that people of that ilk are being just completely overlooked at such big events does irk me.

Alex Turner did the best speech of the night.





In conclusion...the whole thing is at once a complete joke and boring as fuck. Way too slick and lifeless. Live TV with a bunch of boozed up rock stars should be dangerous and teetering on the edge. The days of Samantha Fox and Mick Fleetwood may have been embarrassing, but at least it was memorable. I say bring them back for an encore...

ARBITRARY LISTS: 2013 - The Very Best Songs of a Very Shit Year

It’s official! 2013 was fucking shit. Shit music, shit movies, shit publicity stunts. The worst part about the overall shittiness of 2013 is the bleak picture it painted for 2014. Breaking Bad ended…how are we supposed to get over that in 2014? Lou Reed died…what rock star is going to be an arrogant arsehole in 2014?

At the very least, the shit things (of which there were many) make you appreciate the good things that little bit more. In the spirit of that, this is my factually accurate Top 25 songs of 2013.

I have purposely not included anything from Sharks’ excellent Selfhood album out of spite, because they broke up and therefore broke my heart (how dare they dangle the carrot of the best British band since Suede in my face and then fuck off after 2 albums and an EP?)

Here we go anyhow…

25. Kiss The Girl (Suburban Legends)

Bit of a novelty to begin with. What’s wrong with something that will just make you smile, eh?



24. The Way I Tend To Be (Frank Turner)

Frank’s latest album has seen him reach a new peak commercially, reaching #2 in the charts, headlining an arena tour, winning Celebrity Mastermind over John Cooper Clarke (there’s a sentence I never thought I’d write)…but, I gotta say, it’s a long way off Love, Ire & Song. It’s good, but it seems to have lost it’s bite. Like a latter day Rolling Stones record; technically OK and perfectly fine…but…you know, Let It Bleed sounds hungry…



23. Why’d You Only Call Me When You’re High? (Arctic Monkeys)

Not an Arctic Monkeys fan by any stretch. Although I’ve never had anything against them, I never really got the hype around them. However, whenever I heard this one, I could not get it out of my head.



22. Mirrors (Justin Timberlake)

One of my major problems with Timberlake is that he only has one lyrical topic: how freakin’ awesome he thinks he is. He’s bringing sexy back one minute, his sexual prowess is gonna have you naked by the end of this song the next, and when that happens nobody gonna love you like HE love you. Yeah, whatever. Tosser. In fact, I think I might start calling him Justin Tosserlake, because he does really cunt me off.

Anyhow…at first I thought this would be a whole new beginning for him, because he starts by singing about how awesome someone else is. But then you get to the chorus; “it’s like you’re my mirror”. Damn. So close. Take away the lyrical content, though, and the music is actually pretty good. It’s probably not THAT great and it may just be the surprise at me being able to bear Justin Timberlake. But, I think it deserves it’s place here anyway.



21. Blue Collar Jane (The Strypes)

It’s just great to see 16 year old kids kickin’ out a full out blues rock jam.



20. Everything’s Coming Up Roses (The Replacements)

Technically, this isn’t that great. It’s clumsy, it’s all over the place, it’s a punk band playing an Ethel Murman song. But…that’s the spirit of The Replacements. You either love it or you don’t. And I love The Replacements. So, I love this.



19. Your Life Is A Lie (MGMT)

Hard to believe that this is the same band who had those pop ditties a few years ago.



18. No Expression (The Sufis)

Bit of Psychedelic Pop coming outta Nashville.



17. It Starts And Ends With You (Suede)

2013 was quite the year of comebacks. I guess this was one of the most unexpected. It was nice to see them get some credit when they did come back. Hope the reunion continues.



16. God Is Dead? (Black Sabbath)

This was a big one. Damn, man. Was so cool to see Ozzy and Iommi standing next to each other.



15. Screwdriver (Prince)

Nothing to do with the fascist neo-Nazi band of the same name. Nice to see Prince can still rock it at times. EYE’M UR DRIVER, UR MY SCCRRREEEEWWWWWW.

Prince - Screwdriver (Lyric Video) (2013)

14. Blew Up This House (Jonny Lang)

Jonny’s been away for a while. He came back last year with an album that was kinda patchy. His vocals and playing were as strong as ever, though, and he sounds far more experienced than the average 35 year old. He sounds like he’s been around the block, like he’s lived. This was the opening track on the album, and maybe the strongest cut.



13. We Be Kings (Dave Hause)

Total Springsteenian Americana.



12. Heartbreaker (Motorhead)

Lemmy’s had a tough year, but by fuck is that man resilient. Aftershock was Motorhead’s 21st album, and it’s kickin’ and screamin’. Their best since 2005’s Inferno and their most varied since the early 90s (though, admittedly, “varied” isn’t really a word you should associate with Motorhead).



11. Diane Young (Vampire Weekend)

I like that this is only very slightly off-centre. It sounds like it’s not at first, but it goes a way you only just about don’t expect it to, which makes it more the odder, especially as a single.



10. Pelvis Pusher (Vintage Trouble)

Vintage Trouble are still releasing special editions of their debut LP instead of releasing a new one. This was a bonus track on a new special edition. It’s been three years now, guys. Get to work!



9. Treasure (Bruno Mars)

Bruno Mars is an odd one. I know he’s talented, but he doesn’t really use the talent to it’s potential. And this year he proved to be better when he is pretending to be other people rather than being himself; Locked Out Of Heaven’s rip-off of The Police was actually pretty good, When I Was Your Man was a surprisingly tender piano ballad, and then there was this. No doubt released as a single on the back of Get Lucky’s success, it’s pure Philly soul. He followed it up with Gorilla, which ripped off Prince and was so bad that I can’t even be bothered to think of a fucking metaphor to relate how bad it is to you.



8. Bullshit (Adam Ant)

Another comeback. Album was difficult to get into because of the unorthodox production, but this one stood out immediately. Plus, we can all relate.



7. The Dream’s In The Ditch (Deer Tick)

A song in the Tom Petty vain that is better than anything Petty himself has done SINCE 1994'S Wildflowers.



6. Come To My Party (Black Joe Lewis)

THIS is how I do R&B. Complete funk-jam. Nuff said.



5. Valentine’s Day (David Bowie)

Bowie’s return was nothing if not spectacular. But what the hell can I say about this that hasn’t already been said? First single Where Are We Now? was a grower rather than something that would grab you, which made it an odd choice. But there was plenty of that on the album, and the song itself was much better in context with the rest of the album. In fact, that goes for most of it. The album as a whole was better than any of the individual songs. So, I picked this one out. Just because.



4. Get Lucky (Daft Punk ft Pharrell Williams & Nile Rodgers)

It is VERY rare that I would place a song that was THIS successful so highly. There’s a number of reasons for this; overexposure and the overall crappiness of the singles chart amongst them. BUT…even though I did get a bit sick of this at the height of it’s popularity…credit where credit’s due. It IS awesome. And it brought Nile Rodgers back into the collective consciousness, which can only be a good thing. Finally, here we had a dance song with a GROOVE, something that dance music has completely forgotten to do in the days of the electro rave-up.

Interestingly, someone said to me that Daft Punk sold out with Random Access Memories. I counter that. When they were recording the album in 2012, how could they have thought that 70s disco would be insanely popular in 2013? It’s one of the revivals I, for one, wasn’t expecting. It’s the success of this single that made 70s disco popular again.

Also…just like to point out: big hit with no video. It CAN be done.



3. St Valentine’s Day Massacre (The Twylight Zones)

The Twylight Zones are a fictional band from Soprano’s Creator David Chase’s movie debut, Not Fade Away, and the song was written by the E Street Band’s Stevie Van Zandt. And, in typical Stevie fashion, it’s awesome.



2. Bird Balloons (Lady Lamb The Beekeeper)

I don’t even know how to describe this. “Interesting” is maybe the most apt terminology. Stuff like this would never chart, and we’re worse off for it.



1. PrimeTime (Janelle Monae ft Miguel)

I was disgusted that this wasn’t a bigger hit. This is cool, sexy, jammin’, classy and with an awesome video. Shit, I think Janelle Monae might be too good for radio. This completely enchanted me when I first heard it, and it seems people in the know agree judging by the sheer amount of covers of this song that have made their way onto You Tube. I’m not normally a praying man, but if you’re up there…please make this a hit, Superman.




And that was the good stuff of 2013...join me next time when I'll be counting down the very best bread manufacturers of the last 12 months.

POP WORLD: Gorilla - Bruno Mars

Bruno Mars. Weird guy. I know he’s talented. He has a good ear for melody, not a bad producer. It’s just a shame he’s such an inconsistent songwriter and has no identity of his own. All the singles off his current album Unorthodox Jukebox have so far been Bruno Mars pretending to be other people; The Police (Locked Out Of Heaven), a smoky barroom singer (When I Was Your Man), a Gamble & Huff Philadelphia International artist (Treasure) and now, his new single Gorilla.



Well, it's pretty obvious that he appears to be aping (ignore the pun) somebody so far out of his reach that it’s really unsettling; Prince.



Prince is a fucking genius. Widely considered as such too, and rightly so. Bruno Mars is a long way off Prince. Though, on paper I guess it does make sense. And, in fairness, I have so far kind of preferred Bruno pretending to be other people than I have Bruno being his bland, boring self. Even on his first album Doo Wop & Hooligans, the best song/performances I ever came across was Runaway Baby, which was a complete James Brown pastiche.




Also…in fairness, Treasure was one of the best singles of the year…just sayin’.



But the Prince one doesn’t work. And it’s not just because I’m a Prince fan. When Prince sings about sex, he sounds like he believes it. But Bruno has a surprisingly weedy voice that doesn’t sound quite confident enough to pull it off. It’s smooth, but hardly at the level of Marvin Gaye. So, hearing him trying to scream on the verge of orgasm like Prince did circa Dirty Mind just makes my skin crawl.

As a song, Gorilla’s problems begin in the first line;

I got a body full of liquor and a cocaine kicker

Bruno…you’ve been in trouble for this before.



But the rest of the lyrics are just as bad. The problem is that the whole metaphor is greatly flawed. As a metaphor for sex, large primates just don’t work unless you’re into bestiality (there’s an interesting line of questioning next time he’s on a chat show…if Alan Carr or someone wants to ask Bruno about that, I‘d appreciate it). Furthermore, I’m guessing Bruno doesn’t know all that much about gorillas. Considering their size, they aren’t exactly well endowed, which doesn’t sound like a great starting point for a wild night of passion; “come on, baby…try and find my penis. It’s so comfortable, you won’t even know it’s there”. Plus, they mate very infrequently, which suggests that an entire night of passion is quite a big ask. Sexy. Phhhwwwooooaaarrrrrr!

Then there’s the clincher;

'Cause what I got for you
I promise it's a killer,
You'll be banging on my chest
Bang bang, gorilla

Gorilla’s don’t bang on other people’s chest, Bruno, they bang on their own chest. If you’re having sex and the woman is banging on your chest, it’s probably more likely that she isn’t exactly implicit in this act and she’s fighting you off. I mean, jeez…I thought Robin Thicke was being rapey in Blurred Lines.

The other possibility is that she’s banging on your chest trying to revive you after you OD’d on that liquor and cocaine kicker.

Bruno also seems to have no concept of the fact that just because something is sexual, that doesn’t mean it’s sexy. Take his description of his co-gorilla;

You got your legs up in the sky
With the devil in your eyes

A sexual image perhaps, but not a sexy image.

See?

Yeah, I got a fistful of your hair

That just sounds painful.

If the neighbours call the cops,
Call the sheriff, call the SWAT - we don't stop,
We keep rocking while they're knocking on our door
And you're screaming, "Give it to me baby,
Give it to me motherfucker!"

And that’s just one of the worst verses I’ve ever heard.

Basically, it’s a fucking dumb song that sees Bruno lamely try to sexualise his image and ultimately fails because all he’s done is prove that he can’t do it. Now, excuse me whilst I listen to Prince.

ARBITRARY LISTS: Top 5 Weirdest Tom Waits Songs

Tom Waits returned to the stage for the first time since his Glitter & Doom Tour ended in 2008 earlier this week at Neil Young’s Bridge School Benefit. Tom is one of my heroes, but I do get why people wouldn’t like him. I mean, this was his statement when he was announced to be playing the show;

I had every good intention to stay home and work on my JD Salinger Halloween mask, but when Neil told me yesterday he was serving burnt cow’s eyes on a flat tire and it’s all gluten free, I invited myself.

Yeah. A bit mental. And so, with that, here’s the Top 5 Weirdest Tom Waits Songs…

5. Somewhere (Blue Valentine, 1978)



Cover of the West Side Story song. Waits recorded it for then-girlfriend Rickie Lee Jones. I guess it’s just odd hearing Waits’ gruff voice sing such a standard song. From a musical, at that. It’s a classy rendition, though. Opens his Blue Valentine album, which also features Christmas Card From A Hooker In Minneapolis, which could just as easily have made it’s way in here.

4. Lucky Day (Black Rider, 1993)



First time I played this one to my dad, he started laughing his arse off as the song developed. Waits’ vocal gets more and more eccentric as it goes along, probably peaking at the “there’s nothing like a campfire and a can of beans” section. From a musical Waits wrote with William Burroughs and the subsequent soundtrack.

3. Army Ants (Orphans: Brawlers, Bawlers & Bastards, 2006)



Tom reads a monologue about ants including trivia about their eating habits, copulation and such, and then moves on to wasps, scorpions, beetles…and then back to ants. Why? That’s a question for Tom.

2. Cemetery Polka (Rain Dogs, 1985)



Apparently, a family reunion inspired this one. Waits sings about various characters in his family; his accordion playing Uncle Vernon (who, by all accounts, is a big shot down there at the Slaughterhouse), the insane Auntie Maine, Uncle Bill’s tumour…not to mention his Puerto Rican mistress with the wooden leg. Just like any family, I suppose.

1. Heigh Ho (Stay Awake: Various Interpretations of Music from Vintage Disney Films, 1988)



Prepare to have your childhood destroyed. Waits turns a cheery Disney song into the creepiest thing imaginable. I’m not kidding, this is fucking scary. Originally from a collection of contemporary artists performing old Disney songs, but also showed up on Waits’ odds and sods collection Orphans: Bawlers, Brawlers & Bastards.

Re-Evaluating: Eminem

One of my heroes is Tom Waits. He always said he never liked rock & roll as a kid and he never liked Bob Dylan in the 60s. He was into Sinatra and Johnny Mercer (and, listening to his first couple of albums, you can see what he means). But, later on, he discovered the value of Dylan and rock & roll and even became a fan.

When I was a kid, I hated Eminem. Not sure why. I was an odd kid. It wasn’t that I was offended by his antics, I just saw the controversy as mere publicity stunts. If I’d have known what the word “juvenile” meant aged 12, I likely would have used it to describe Eminem. Furthermore, I was always into different music than the rest of school (not many Southside Johnny fans knocking about) and everyone else liked Eminem. So, I likely just thought if everyone else likes it, that probably means I won’t.

So, in the mid-part of the last decade, I suddenly became a huge Alice Cooper fan. Loved the idea of him in the 70s, the first shock rocker. A complete performance artist. And it’s through Alice that I finally understood the value in courting that kind of controversy. Everyone was being played by The Coop in the 70s, much like Em in the late 90s/early 00s. Slim Shady/Eminem is as much a character for Marshall Mathers as Alice Cooper/Steven is for Vincent Furnier. A lot of Eminem’s antics were even very close to previous shockers, the chainsaw was directly out of the Alice Cooper rulebook and his movie 8 Mile was basically just a hip hop re-make of Prince’s Purple Rain.

My opinion of Eminem gradually started to change in around 2005 in the unlikeliest of places; I went to see Queen + Paul Rodgers and their intro tape was Eminem’s Lose Yourself.



Having the track played so loud in the arena with the spotlights surrounding the audience made me understand the drama of the track. Though, I was still too stubborn to admit I liked Eminem. Plus, this was around the time of Just Lose It, and anyone who thinks that song isn’t one of the most embarrassing pieces of shite ever recorded is deluded.



So…this weekend, after 8 years of going back and forth (imagine a little devil on my left shoulder and a little angel on my right shoulder), I finally picked up Curtain Call, Eminem’s greatest hits collection. Saw it cheap in Asda, so though "fuck it, I'm finally gonna get it".

You know what? It can’t be nostalgia, because I have nothing to be nostalgic about, but I regret not just buying it back in 2005. I’m not saying I dig every track (Fack is even worse than Just Lose It), but it’s mostly dynamic, effective, intelligent and genuinely poetic stuff. I’m not saying I’m gonna go out and buy his entire back catalogue and I’d never go and see him live (you just know it’s gonna be full of dicks), but there is more than enough on there to warrant it being basically on repeat since I picked it up.

I certainly learned my lesson.

The Continuing Adventures of the Teen Idol - 50 Years of Pretty Boys and Decreasing Quality

The current tabloidian adventures of Justin Bieber and One Direction have had me thinking about teen idols recently. Because I decided to scribble about some of the bad music that’s out there as well as the good, I was researching 1D and Bieber and You Tube and saw their fans (“Beliebers” and “Directioners”, respectfully…though neither of those terms are actual English, so I regret using the word “respectfully”) writing delusional statements about the wealth of talent both of these acts have, seemingly unaware that these things go on a cycle.

Now, when I was growing up, my father encouraged me to listen to vastly different styles of music, and ever since the advent of the Power Rangers I had been obsessive over the things I loved. So it was only natural that the music I listened to would follow suit, and because I was obsessive over music I was able to identify that, actually, boy bands didn’t last that long. And neither did teenaged singers. Oh, they were exceptions, and we’ll look at those within this piece too. I also knew they sucked arse. Again - exceptions.

So, let’s take a journey through the changing fortunes of the teen idol, starting with the first TRUE teen idol of the rock & roll era.


1950’s

Sure, Elvis was a teen idol. But he was different to the teen idols of today, in a variety of different ways. No, the modern teen idol was probably born with Frankie Lymon. Lymon fronted a group called The Teenagers, with whom, at aged just 13 years old, he co-wrote and recorded his first and biggest hit, Why Do Fools Fall In Love? The song has become one of the anthems of the era. If there is a film that is set 1956, you best believe this song is on the soundtrack.



Because they were so young, Frankie Lymon & The Teenagers inspired kids of their own generation into performing. People like; The Temptations, Diana Ross, The Beach Boys…in fact, Motown founder Berry Gordy based the set up of the Jackson 5 on Frankie Lymon & The Teenagers. Lymon also did a lot for the civil rights for a spur of the moment decision that caused a scandal; he danced with a white girl (GASP!). He did it on DJ Alan Freed’s TV Show The Big Beat and caused such an outrage that the show was cancelled.

Frankie didn’t have many hits after his voice broke, and he died of a Heroin overdose in 1968. But in his time, everyone was in agreement; Frankie was the man. And, directly or indirectly, Lymon’s DNA is in every single teen idol who followed.


1960’s

The main anomalies to the teen idols rule of “a few good years” do actually appear in the 1960’s. This is a decade where The Beatles and the Rolling Stones began as bands that girls would scream at (yes, there was a time when people used to scream at Mick Jagger without adding the phrase “help, it’s coming towards me”). And yet both The Beatles and the Stones eventually became two of the most creative bands in Motown started the idea that you could have an organisation that created the perfect artists, teaching them how to dress, how to act, how to sing, how to do interviews, how to dance, how to sit. Needless to say, it was a success and became some of the most influential music of all time. I’m a Motown buff myself, so I wanna just take this opportunity to blast some Motown in your zeusdamn faces.



Then there was The Monkees, particularly Davey Jones. Jones was the charming British guy in the front. And they were probably the first significant case of a boy band being put together. Mainly because they weren’t a real band. The groups at Motown weren’t put together, they were all pre-existing acts who auditioned for Berry Gordy. But, The Monkees was a TV show about a band. Initially, the Monkees didn’t even play their own instruments. They fought for the right to do that by the end, and completely alienated their screaming teenage fans with the fuckin’ weird movie Head (apparently titled as such in case they made a second film, so they could say on the billboard “From the people who gave you Head”). But their success endured. In future, it would be the rule that boy bands would be “put together”, rather than be a group of kids who had known each other since they were in school.




1970’s

The 1970’s was teen idol galore. The decade started with the first real boy band as we know them today, The Jackson 5. They were followed closely by The Osmonds. There was also David Cassidy, Bobby Sherman and, rounding off the decade, Leif Garrett. It was really a golden time for pretty boys who sang bland songs. The main exception to that rule is the Jackson 5 hits which were brimming with energy, not to mention Michael Jackson‘s surprisingly heartfelt vocals. It‘s odd that some of Jackson‘s most soulful vocal performances were when he was aged 10 years old. Listen to a song like I’ll Be There…



A kid of 10 years old can’t truly understand what he’s singing about in that song. But you believe every word coming out of his mouth. And the song itself is more sophisticated than anything someone like Leif Garrett ever did. But then they had the Motown staff writers at their beck and call, so it’s hardly surprising.

Sherman and Cassidy both came from TV. Notably Cassidy was the star and pin up of The Partridge Family, about a singing family of ninnies who have limited talent but decide to form a creepy band anyway, and somehow managed to forge a career in pop on the back of this. He also marks the first really significant case of a teen idol acting explicitly acting out against his image. Midway through the run of The Partridge Family, Cassidy appeared naked on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine and talked openly about his drug use, amongst other things and purposely destroyed his goody two shoes image (a la Miley Cyrus).

Over in the UK, the most notable teen idols were the Bay City Rollers. You know, these guys…



Yeah. That ain’t no Jackson 5 song.

But the hysteria following the Bay City Rollers was as rabid as the following Justin Bieber gets today…as seen from around 4 minutes into this video…



The last teen idol of the decade was probably Leif Garrett.



Here’s the gist of Leif’s life since…




1980’s

The 80s was an odd decade for teen idols. Those of the 70s grew up and went into rehab, with the exception of Michael Jackson who became the biggest star in the world and was probably the only true example of a child star making a successful transition into being an adult artist (though, calling MJ an “adult” is pretty liberal use of the word).

Most of the teen idols of the 80s were movie stars; the Two Coreys, the Brat Pack, River Phoenix. It wasn’t until the end of the decade when pretty boy singers returned. And when they did the format was down. Well and truly. They cut the fat off. They took the Motown ideology of teaching the artists how to dress, how to sing, how to do interviews etc. Basically, carving an image out for them. There are differences, though; part of the reason for Motown was to bring black artists to a white audience. And in the 80s they forgot to write decent songs (a trend which would, sadly, continue). And they forgot to get a great house band to record the great music behind it. And they forgot to get people with charismatic voices. Basically, they failed at every other fundamental level. So long as it was a pretty boy, why should they give a fuck what the music was like.

Bros are probably the best example. This is a song of theirs called Drop The Boy.



It’s really shit. What the hell is wrong with Matt Goss’ voice? He sounds like he’s constipated and trying really hard to push it out. It’s got shitty 80s production. The video is full of weird shots (what’s so special about Matt Goss’ belt that it warranted a close up?). And the song itself? What the fuck is going on there? It sounds like it’s trying to be catchy, but just fails.

And yet Bros were massive. Like, One Direction massive. Like, selling out Wembley Stadium massive.



But the party ended. Because the kids grew up and thought “wow…this is really shit”.


1990s

Now we’re just going around in circles. Both the UK and the US had their own boy band wars in this decade. The US had New Kids On The Block, The Backstreet Boys, *Nsync…the UK had boy bands that weren’t popular in America (Take That, Boyzone, Westlife, 5ive).

The main difference in the 90s is that it was really the first time that there was an influx of female teen idols, of which there had been quite a lack of previously; the Spice Girls, All Saints, Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera. All of whom pretty much sucked as hard as all the boys, if not harder (phwooaaarrr…bloody hell!).



And they too were on the conveyor belt. Many of them, in fact, by a very particular conveyor belt owned by a very particular commercial behemoth; Disney. This would continue into the 2000s with Miley Cyrus and her ilk…but these guys and gals were the first to really feel this sting. You see, just about everyone owned by Disney went hit the skids at some point. We all saw Miley at the VMAs a few weeks ago…but Britney and Christina also went through what I now like to call “pulling a Cassidy”. Like David’s nude Rolling Stone cover designed to shake off his goody two shoes teen idol image, the gals started grinding, stripping off and getting dirrrrrty to look grown up (though, of course, that is a teenager’s idea of what being “grown up” is). They get so controlled under the corporation rule that they act out when they break free.


2000s-Today

The major difference between the last couple of decades and the current crop is that we now see the conveyor belt played out before our eyes. We see the horror, we see the mechanisms that go on behind the scenes because of TV shows like X Factor and even You Tube. Think about who the two biggest teen idols are of today. Did you think of One Direction and Justin Bieber? One came from X Factor and the other from You Tube.

One Direction in particular are interesting. Because of the interweb, the idiocies coming from their fans’ mouths are being plastered all over the place. It’s pretty interesting to see the cycle hasn’t been broken at all. The only difference is that, where in the past a Bros fan might threaten somebody who disliked Bros only amongst other Bros fans, “Directioners” are able to tweet the person in question, which means their stupidity is there for the world to see.

For example…remember that Channel 4 documentary that was on about 1D fans the other week…?



Well, here’s a clip from a similar documentary about Bros fans that was made in their day. I say “similar”, I mean the only things that are different are the fashions and the group in question. The rest of it is I-fucking-dentical…



They also forgot to give the members of 1D distinctive personalities. You really can’t tell them apart. They all seem to have the exact same sense of humour, their voices are very similar, at least two of them have the same hairstyle. It makes the shortened “1D” name quite appropriate, because they are, indeed, very one dimensional. You can tell the Monkees apart. They had different fucking hairstyles for a start. And Mike Nesmith wore a hat.

So…what about their future? If you’ve read this far down, you really don’t need to ask.


The thing that has really changed is that it is in no way about the music anymore. There was a point when it was. Frankie Lymon was about his music and performance (and bigamy, but this ain't the place to discuss that), Motown took time to perfect the records, The Beatles and The Stones are two of the greatest bands who ever lived. Hell, even David Cassidy and Leif Garrett were trying to branch out into more artistic territory when the novelty started wearing off. But since the capitalist culture of the 80s, it’s not been about that at all. Hence, 30 years of just completely shit teen idols that the kids hold no affection for as they grow older outside of basic nostalgia.

Young people interested in music still hear Motown records and say “that’s cool”. Nobody does it for Bros.