The BRIT Awards 2014 - The Bad, The Very Bad and The Very, Very Bad

Oh, those crazy BRIT Awards. A messy, incoherent mess and an incestuous celebration of mediocrity. I mean…when the nominations are largely poor, you can’t expect the winners to be much better.

After a more than decent opening performance from Arctic Monkeys (who I’m not the biggest fan of, but hats off to them), the dreaded words that have been spoken for the last few years came booming through the TV set. Nine words to fill you with a sense of dread; “Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host, James Corden”.

Noooooooooooo!

They might as well have just replaced the announcement with some ominous organ music, signalling trouble ahead. He started off badly and grew progressively worse. Even the sycophantic audience seemed to think he was shit. Several people said “let’s have a round of applause for James Corden”, only to hear a pin drop somewhere off into the distance of the O2 Arena. He started off by coming on stage with his sleeve on fire. OH, I GET IT! Because Arctic Monkeys had pyro! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAA! No. He continued making bad jokes (“It’s Bastille and Rudimental…it’s Basti-mental!” Boooooo!) and awkward interviews (to One Direction: “So, do you have any advice for Justin Bieber in jail?” to Kylie Minouge: “which of these men do you want to make out with?”). It was painful, and it makes you wonder why they keep asking him back. Because he’s cheap and available? Because he’s not funny. And he tries too hard. Basically what I’m saying is; he’s a fat prick and I don’t like him.

As far as performances go…Katy Perry was weird. The performance looked like it should have been for a more up-tempo song, being as colourful as it was, but it was also weirdly low key. It was pretty forgetful. In fact, I did completely forget about it until Corden reminded me later on when Perry presented an award. Note: if I have to be told that I was blown away by her performance earlier, I probably wasn’t. Perry is a weird animal; in the last five years, she has slowly gone from guilty pleasure with fun pop ditties to full-on embarrassing irritant.

Bruno Mars is another weird one. As I’ve said elsewhere here; I KNOW he is talented. I’ve seen him be talented. But, all too often, he’s just shit. Gorilla? The FUCKING Lazy Song? Yeesh! Luckily, he did the best song he’ll ever write last night, the 70s Philly soul rave-up Treasure, so he had a good night (although, there’s no way his band listen to Black Flag, despite what their t-shirts may have said).

I thought the irony of Lorde performing Royals and winning Best International Female was somewhat ironic, given that the song is a criticism of nearly everybody in the arena at the time. Performance was OK, though. Still a bit “meh”.

Ellie Goulding probably did my favourite performance of the night. I mean, technically it was awful, but some of the drummers fell over at the front of the stage in a heap of calamity, and hilarity ensued (I hit rewind several times, highlight of the night).

Take a peek at 2.36



Then there’s the awards themselves.

The weird thing about the BRITS is that they want to seem credible but it’s on ITV (very much the station for idiots), so they can’t be as credible as they want to be. So, to keep the idiotic twittersphere happy, they seem to create awards for the shit bands that they actually have some stake in.

For example, the “Global Success Award”? They can’t give the Best British Group Award to One Direction, that would undermine the credibility they think they have…so they just invent an award to give to the pricks. The Best Video Award…ensure One Direction get up on stage twice by having the results voted for on Twitter, where One Direction fans live. It’s really quite fucking transparent. Who’d have thunk…ITV, who were partially responsible for One Direction flooding them with awards, eh?

Speaking of One Direction, did anyone else think it was weird when their rendition of One Way Or Another (Teenage Kicks) was nominated for Single of the Year? It’s a fucking cover version. Now, I’ll admit on paper, it is the best SONG that was nominated. But not that version. A cover version should NOT be nominated for any kind of Best Song-esque categories.

A few other little things; Prince was cool as ever…just a shame that twat Corden interrupted him to take a selfie with him. Although, I can’t promise I wouldn’t have one the same.



Would Tom Oddell have been nominated for so much had he not won the Critic’s Choice last year? It’s not like he’s made an impact since then.

It was nice that, for once, no-one from the BRIT School seemed to win.

If Janelle Monae is nominated for Best International Female, she best fucking win it. She is miles ahead of the rest of them.

By not showing up, David Bowie gained 50 billion dignity points.

Why do they no longer give out the Outstanding Achievement Award? I don't get it. There's plenty of British internationally recognised legends and pioneers who have never won it; Pink Floyd, Black Sabbath, Led Zeppelin...and yet they give it to Wham!, Duran Duran and the Spice Girls and then just don't bother to give it out anymore? Fuck you.

The awards are so incestuous. They really, really are. You have to be in a certain crowd to even be considered. You look at someone like, say...Frank Turner. He reaches #2 in the charts (higher than some of those nominated) and plays arena tours, and he doesn't even get a look in? Could it be because he did it without you lot? Maybe. I imagine he - and people like him - don't much care, but the idea that people of that ilk are being just completely overlooked at such big events does irk me.

Alex Turner did the best speech of the night.





In conclusion...the whole thing is at once a complete joke and boring as fuck. Way too slick and lifeless. Live TV with a bunch of boozed up rock stars should be dangerous and teetering on the edge. The days of Samantha Fox and Mick Fleetwood may have been embarrassing, but at least it was memorable. I say bring them back for an encore...

ARBITRARY LISTS: 2013 - The Very Best Songs of a Very Shit Year

It’s official! 2013 was fucking shit. Shit music, shit movies, shit publicity stunts. The worst part about the overall shittiness of 2013 is the bleak picture it painted for 2014. Breaking Bad ended…how are we supposed to get over that in 2014? Lou Reed died…what rock star is going to be an arrogant arsehole in 2014?

At the very least, the shit things (of which there were many) make you appreciate the good things that little bit more. In the spirit of that, this is my factually accurate Top 25 songs of 2013.

I have purposely not included anything from Sharks’ excellent Selfhood album out of spite, because they broke up and therefore broke my heart (how dare they dangle the carrot of the best British band since Suede in my face and then fuck off after 2 albums and an EP?)

Here we go anyhow…

25. Kiss The Girl (Suburban Legends)

Bit of a novelty to begin with. What’s wrong with something that will just make you smile, eh?



24. The Way I Tend To Be (Frank Turner)

Frank’s latest album has seen him reach a new peak commercially, reaching #2 in the charts, headlining an arena tour, winning Celebrity Mastermind over John Cooper Clarke (there’s a sentence I never thought I’d write)…but, I gotta say, it’s a long way off Love, Ire & Song. It’s good, but it seems to have lost it’s bite. Like a latter day Rolling Stones record; technically OK and perfectly fine…but…you know, Let It Bleed sounds hungry…



23. Why’d You Only Call Me When You’re High? (Arctic Monkeys)

Not an Arctic Monkeys fan by any stretch. Although I’ve never had anything against them, I never really got the hype around them. However, whenever I heard this one, I could not get it out of my head.



22. Mirrors (Justin Timberlake)

One of my major problems with Timberlake is that he only has one lyrical topic: how freakin’ awesome he thinks he is. He’s bringing sexy back one minute, his sexual prowess is gonna have you naked by the end of this song the next, and when that happens nobody gonna love you like HE love you. Yeah, whatever. Tosser. In fact, I think I might start calling him Justin Tosserlake, because he does really cunt me off.

Anyhow…at first I thought this would be a whole new beginning for him, because he starts by singing about how awesome someone else is. But then you get to the chorus; “it’s like you’re my mirror”. Damn. So close. Take away the lyrical content, though, and the music is actually pretty good. It’s probably not THAT great and it may just be the surprise at me being able to bear Justin Timberlake. But, I think it deserves it’s place here anyway.



21. Blue Collar Jane (The Strypes)

It’s just great to see 16 year old kids kickin’ out a full out blues rock jam.



20. Everything’s Coming Up Roses (The Replacements)

Technically, this isn’t that great. It’s clumsy, it’s all over the place, it’s a punk band playing an Ethel Murman song. But…that’s the spirit of The Replacements. You either love it or you don’t. And I love The Replacements. So, I love this.



19. Your Life Is A Lie (MGMT)

Hard to believe that this is the same band who had those pop ditties a few years ago.



18. No Expression (The Sufis)

Bit of Psychedelic Pop coming outta Nashville.



17. It Starts And Ends With You (Suede)

2013 was quite the year of comebacks. I guess this was one of the most unexpected. It was nice to see them get some credit when they did come back. Hope the reunion continues.



16. God Is Dead? (Black Sabbath)

This was a big one. Damn, man. Was so cool to see Ozzy and Iommi standing next to each other.



15. Screwdriver (Prince)

Nothing to do with the fascist neo-Nazi band of the same name. Nice to see Prince can still rock it at times. EYE’M UR DRIVER, UR MY SCCRRREEEEWWWWWW.

Prince - Screwdriver (Lyric Video) (2013)

14. Blew Up This House (Jonny Lang)

Jonny’s been away for a while. He came back last year with an album that was kinda patchy. His vocals and playing were as strong as ever, though, and he sounds far more experienced than the average 35 year old. He sounds like he’s been around the block, like he’s lived. This was the opening track on the album, and maybe the strongest cut.



13. We Be Kings (Dave Hause)

Total Springsteenian Americana.



12. Heartbreaker (Motorhead)

Lemmy’s had a tough year, but by fuck is that man resilient. Aftershock was Motorhead’s 21st album, and it’s kickin’ and screamin’. Their best since 2005’s Inferno and their most varied since the early 90s (though, admittedly, “varied” isn’t really a word you should associate with Motorhead).



11. Diane Young (Vampire Weekend)

I like that this is only very slightly off-centre. It sounds like it’s not at first, but it goes a way you only just about don’t expect it to, which makes it more the odder, especially as a single.



10. Pelvis Pusher (Vintage Trouble)

Vintage Trouble are still releasing special editions of their debut LP instead of releasing a new one. This was a bonus track on a new special edition. It’s been three years now, guys. Get to work!



9. Treasure (Bruno Mars)

Bruno Mars is an odd one. I know he’s talented, but he doesn’t really use the talent to it’s potential. And this year he proved to be better when he is pretending to be other people rather than being himself; Locked Out Of Heaven’s rip-off of The Police was actually pretty good, When I Was Your Man was a surprisingly tender piano ballad, and then there was this. No doubt released as a single on the back of Get Lucky’s success, it’s pure Philly soul. He followed it up with Gorilla, which ripped off Prince and was so bad that I can’t even be bothered to think of a fucking metaphor to relate how bad it is to you.



8. Bullshit (Adam Ant)

Another comeback. Album was difficult to get into because of the unorthodox production, but this one stood out immediately. Plus, we can all relate.



7. The Dream’s In The Ditch (Deer Tick)

A song in the Tom Petty vain that is better than anything Petty himself has done SINCE 1994'S Wildflowers.



6. Come To My Party (Black Joe Lewis)

THIS is how I do R&B. Complete funk-jam. Nuff said.



5. Valentine’s Day (David Bowie)

Bowie’s return was nothing if not spectacular. But what the hell can I say about this that hasn’t already been said? First single Where Are We Now? was a grower rather than something that would grab you, which made it an odd choice. But there was plenty of that on the album, and the song itself was much better in context with the rest of the album. In fact, that goes for most of it. The album as a whole was better than any of the individual songs. So, I picked this one out. Just because.



4. Get Lucky (Daft Punk ft Pharrell Williams & Nile Rodgers)

It is VERY rare that I would place a song that was THIS successful so highly. There’s a number of reasons for this; overexposure and the overall crappiness of the singles chart amongst them. BUT…even though I did get a bit sick of this at the height of it’s popularity…credit where credit’s due. It IS awesome. And it brought Nile Rodgers back into the collective consciousness, which can only be a good thing. Finally, here we had a dance song with a GROOVE, something that dance music has completely forgotten to do in the days of the electro rave-up.

Interestingly, someone said to me that Daft Punk sold out with Random Access Memories. I counter that. When they were recording the album in 2012, how could they have thought that 70s disco would be insanely popular in 2013? It’s one of the revivals I, for one, wasn’t expecting. It’s the success of this single that made 70s disco popular again.

Also…just like to point out: big hit with no video. It CAN be done.



3. St Valentine’s Day Massacre (The Twylight Zones)

The Twylight Zones are a fictional band from Soprano’s Creator David Chase’s movie debut, Not Fade Away, and the song was written by the E Street Band’s Stevie Van Zandt. And, in typical Stevie fashion, it’s awesome.



2. Bird Balloons (Lady Lamb The Beekeeper)

I don’t even know how to describe this. “Interesting” is maybe the most apt terminology. Stuff like this would never chart, and we’re worse off for it.



1. PrimeTime (Janelle Monae ft Miguel)

I was disgusted that this wasn’t a bigger hit. This is cool, sexy, jammin’, classy and with an awesome video. Shit, I think Janelle Monae might be too good for radio. This completely enchanted me when I first heard it, and it seems people in the know agree judging by the sheer amount of covers of this song that have made their way onto You Tube. I’m not normally a praying man, but if you’re up there…please make this a hit, Superman.




And that was the good stuff of 2013...join me next time when I'll be counting down the very best bread manufacturers of the last 12 months.

POP WORLD: Gorilla - Bruno Mars

Bruno Mars. Weird guy. I know he’s talented. He has a good ear for melody, not a bad producer. It’s just a shame he’s such an inconsistent songwriter and has no identity of his own. All the singles off his current album Unorthodox Jukebox have so far been Bruno Mars pretending to be other people; The Police (Locked Out Of Heaven), a smoky barroom singer (When I Was Your Man), a Gamble & Huff Philadelphia International artist (Treasure) and now, his new single Gorilla.



Well, it's pretty obvious that he appears to be aping (ignore the pun) somebody so far out of his reach that it’s really unsettling; Prince.



Prince is a fucking genius. Widely considered as such too, and rightly so. Bruno Mars is a long way off Prince. Though, on paper I guess it does make sense. And, in fairness, I have so far kind of preferred Bruno pretending to be other people than I have Bruno being his bland, boring self. Even on his first album Doo Wop & Hooligans, the best song/performances I ever came across was Runaway Baby, which was a complete James Brown pastiche.




Also…in fairness, Treasure was one of the best singles of the year…just sayin’.



But the Prince one doesn’t work. And it’s not just because I’m a Prince fan. When Prince sings about sex, he sounds like he believes it. But Bruno has a surprisingly weedy voice that doesn’t sound quite confident enough to pull it off. It’s smooth, but hardly at the level of Marvin Gaye. So, hearing him trying to scream on the verge of orgasm like Prince did circa Dirty Mind just makes my skin crawl.

As a song, Gorilla’s problems begin in the first line;

I got a body full of liquor and a cocaine kicker

Bruno…you’ve been in trouble for this before.



But the rest of the lyrics are just as bad. The problem is that the whole metaphor is greatly flawed. As a metaphor for sex, large primates just don’t work unless you’re into bestiality (there’s an interesting line of questioning next time he’s on a chat show…if Alan Carr or someone wants to ask Bruno about that, I‘d appreciate it). Furthermore, I’m guessing Bruno doesn’t know all that much about gorillas. Considering their size, they aren’t exactly well endowed, which doesn’t sound like a great starting point for a wild night of passion; “come on, baby…try and find my penis. It’s so comfortable, you won’t even know it’s there”. Plus, they mate very infrequently, which suggests that an entire night of passion is quite a big ask. Sexy. Phhhwwwooooaaarrrrrr!

Then there’s the clincher;

'Cause what I got for you
I promise it's a killer,
You'll be banging on my chest
Bang bang, gorilla

Gorilla’s don’t bang on other people’s chest, Bruno, they bang on their own chest. If you’re having sex and the woman is banging on your chest, it’s probably more likely that she isn’t exactly implicit in this act and she’s fighting you off. I mean, jeez…I thought Robin Thicke was being rapey in Blurred Lines.

The other possibility is that she’s banging on your chest trying to revive you after you OD’d on that liquor and cocaine kicker.

Bruno also seems to have no concept of the fact that just because something is sexual, that doesn’t mean it’s sexy. Take his description of his co-gorilla;

You got your legs up in the sky
With the devil in your eyes

A sexual image perhaps, but not a sexy image.

See?

Yeah, I got a fistful of your hair

That just sounds painful.

If the neighbours call the cops,
Call the sheriff, call the SWAT - we don't stop,
We keep rocking while they're knocking on our door
And you're screaming, "Give it to me baby,
Give it to me motherfucker!"

And that’s just one of the worst verses I’ve ever heard.

Basically, it’s a fucking dumb song that sees Bruno lamely try to sexualise his image and ultimately fails because all he’s done is prove that he can’t do it. Now, excuse me whilst I listen to Prince.

ARBITRARY LISTS: Top 5 Weirdest Tom Waits Songs

Tom Waits returned to the stage for the first time since his Glitter & Doom Tour ended in 2008 earlier this week at Neil Young’s Bridge School Benefit. Tom is one of my heroes, but I do get why people wouldn’t like him. I mean, this was his statement when he was announced to be playing the show;

I had every good intention to stay home and work on my JD Salinger Halloween mask, but when Neil told me yesterday he was serving burnt cow’s eyes on a flat tire and it’s all gluten free, I invited myself.

Yeah. A bit mental. And so, with that, here’s the Top 5 Weirdest Tom Waits Songs…

5. Somewhere (Blue Valentine, 1978)



Cover of the West Side Story song. Waits recorded it for then-girlfriend Rickie Lee Jones. I guess it’s just odd hearing Waits’ gruff voice sing such a standard song. From a musical, at that. It’s a classy rendition, though. Opens his Blue Valentine album, which also features Christmas Card From A Hooker In Minneapolis, which could just as easily have made it’s way in here.

4. Lucky Day (Black Rider, 1993)



First time I played this one to my dad, he started laughing his arse off as the song developed. Waits’ vocal gets more and more eccentric as it goes along, probably peaking at the “there’s nothing like a campfire and a can of beans” section. From a musical Waits wrote with William Burroughs and the subsequent soundtrack.

3. Army Ants (Orphans: Brawlers, Bawlers & Bastards, 2006)



Tom reads a monologue about ants including trivia about their eating habits, copulation and such, and then moves on to wasps, scorpions, beetles…and then back to ants. Why? That’s a question for Tom.

2. Cemetery Polka (Rain Dogs, 1985)



Apparently, a family reunion inspired this one. Waits sings about various characters in his family; his accordion playing Uncle Vernon (who, by all accounts, is a big shot down there at the Slaughterhouse), the insane Auntie Maine, Uncle Bill’s tumour…not to mention his Puerto Rican mistress with the wooden leg. Just like any family, I suppose.

1. Heigh Ho (Stay Awake: Various Interpretations of Music from Vintage Disney Films, 1988)



Prepare to have your childhood destroyed. Waits turns a cheery Disney song into the creepiest thing imaginable. I’m not kidding, this is fucking scary. Originally from a collection of contemporary artists performing old Disney songs, but also showed up on Waits’ odds and sods collection Orphans: Bawlers, Brawlers & Bastards.

Re-Evaluating: Eminem

One of my heroes is Tom Waits. He always said he never liked rock & roll as a kid and he never liked Bob Dylan in the 60s. He was into Sinatra and Johnny Mercer (and, listening to his first couple of albums, you can see what he means). But, later on, he discovered the value of Dylan and rock & roll and even became a fan.

When I was a kid, I hated Eminem. Not sure why. I was an odd kid. It wasn’t that I was offended by his antics, I just saw the controversy as mere publicity stunts. If I’d have known what the word “juvenile” meant aged 12, I likely would have used it to describe Eminem. Furthermore, I was always into different music than the rest of school (not many Southside Johnny fans knocking about) and everyone else liked Eminem. So, I likely just thought if everyone else likes it, that probably means I won’t.

So, in the mid-part of the last decade, I suddenly became a huge Alice Cooper fan. Loved the idea of him in the 70s, the first shock rocker. A complete performance artist. And it’s through Alice that I finally understood the value in courting that kind of controversy. Everyone was being played by The Coop in the 70s, much like Em in the late 90s/early 00s. Slim Shady/Eminem is as much a character for Marshall Mathers as Alice Cooper/Steven is for Vincent Furnier. A lot of Eminem’s antics were even very close to previous shockers, the chainsaw was directly out of the Alice Cooper rulebook and his movie 8 Mile was basically just a hip hop re-make of Prince’s Purple Rain.

My opinion of Eminem gradually started to change in around 2005 in the unlikeliest of places; I went to see Queen + Paul Rodgers and their intro tape was Eminem’s Lose Yourself.



Having the track played so loud in the arena with the spotlights surrounding the audience made me understand the drama of the track. Though, I was still too stubborn to admit I liked Eminem. Plus, this was around the time of Just Lose It, and anyone who thinks that song isn’t one of the most embarrassing pieces of shite ever recorded is deluded.



So…this weekend, after 8 years of going back and forth (imagine a little devil on my left shoulder and a little angel on my right shoulder), I finally picked up Curtain Call, Eminem’s greatest hits collection. Saw it cheap in Asda, so though "fuck it, I'm finally gonna get it".

You know what? It can’t be nostalgia, because I have nothing to be nostalgic about, but I regret not just buying it back in 2005. I’m not saying I dig every track (Fack is even worse than Just Lose It), but it’s mostly dynamic, effective, intelligent and genuinely poetic stuff. I’m not saying I’m gonna go out and buy his entire back catalogue and I’d never go and see him live (you just know it’s gonna be full of dicks), but there is more than enough on there to warrant it being basically on repeat since I picked it up.

I certainly learned my lesson.

The Continuing Adventures of the Teen Idol - 50 Years of Pretty Boys and Decreasing Quality

The current tabloidian adventures of Justin Bieber and One Direction have had me thinking about teen idols recently. Because I decided to scribble about some of the bad music that’s out there as well as the good, I was researching 1D and Bieber and You Tube and saw their fans (“Beliebers” and “Directioners”, respectfully…though neither of those terms are actual English, so I regret using the word “respectfully”) writing delusional statements about the wealth of talent both of these acts have, seemingly unaware that these things go on a cycle.

Now, when I was growing up, my father encouraged me to listen to vastly different styles of music, and ever since the advent of the Power Rangers I had been obsessive over the things I loved. So it was only natural that the music I listened to would follow suit, and because I was obsessive over music I was able to identify that, actually, boy bands didn’t last that long. And neither did teenaged singers. Oh, they were exceptions, and we’ll look at those within this piece too. I also knew they sucked arse. Again - exceptions.

So, let’s take a journey through the changing fortunes of the teen idol, starting with the first TRUE teen idol of the rock & roll era.


1950’s

Sure, Elvis was a teen idol. But he was different to the teen idols of today, in a variety of different ways. No, the modern teen idol was probably born with Frankie Lymon. Lymon fronted a group called The Teenagers, with whom, at aged just 13 years old, he co-wrote and recorded his first and biggest hit, Why Do Fools Fall In Love? The song has become one of the anthems of the era. If there is a film that is set 1956, you best believe this song is on the soundtrack.



Because they were so young, Frankie Lymon & The Teenagers inspired kids of their own generation into performing. People like; The Temptations, Diana Ross, The Beach Boys…in fact, Motown founder Berry Gordy based the set up of the Jackson 5 on Frankie Lymon & The Teenagers. Lymon also did a lot for the civil rights for a spur of the moment decision that caused a scandal; he danced with a white girl (GASP!). He did it on DJ Alan Freed’s TV Show The Big Beat and caused such an outrage that the show was cancelled.

Frankie didn’t have many hits after his voice broke, and he died of a Heroin overdose in 1968. But in his time, everyone was in agreement; Frankie was the man. And, directly or indirectly, Lymon’s DNA is in every single teen idol who followed.


1960’s

The main anomalies to the teen idols rule of “a few good years” do actually appear in the 1960’s. This is a decade where The Beatles and the Rolling Stones began as bands that girls would scream at (yes, there was a time when people used to scream at Mick Jagger without adding the phrase “help, it’s coming towards me”). And yet both The Beatles and the Stones eventually became two of the most creative bands in Motown started the idea that you could have an organisation that created the perfect artists, teaching them how to dress, how to act, how to sing, how to do interviews, how to dance, how to sit. Needless to say, it was a success and became some of the most influential music of all time. I’m a Motown buff myself, so I wanna just take this opportunity to blast some Motown in your zeusdamn faces.



Then there was The Monkees, particularly Davey Jones. Jones was the charming British guy in the front. And they were probably the first significant case of a boy band being put together. Mainly because they weren’t a real band. The groups at Motown weren’t put together, they were all pre-existing acts who auditioned for Berry Gordy. But, The Monkees was a TV show about a band. Initially, the Monkees didn’t even play their own instruments. They fought for the right to do that by the end, and completely alienated their screaming teenage fans with the fuckin’ weird movie Head (apparently titled as such in case they made a second film, so they could say on the billboard “From the people who gave you Head”). But their success endured. In future, it would be the rule that boy bands would be “put together”, rather than be a group of kids who had known each other since they were in school.




1970’s

The 1970’s was teen idol galore. The decade started with the first real boy band as we know them today, The Jackson 5. They were followed closely by The Osmonds. There was also David Cassidy, Bobby Sherman and, rounding off the decade, Leif Garrett. It was really a golden time for pretty boys who sang bland songs. The main exception to that rule is the Jackson 5 hits which were brimming with energy, not to mention Michael Jackson‘s surprisingly heartfelt vocals. It‘s odd that some of Jackson‘s most soulful vocal performances were when he was aged 10 years old. Listen to a song like I’ll Be There…



A kid of 10 years old can’t truly understand what he’s singing about in that song. But you believe every word coming out of his mouth. And the song itself is more sophisticated than anything someone like Leif Garrett ever did. But then they had the Motown staff writers at their beck and call, so it’s hardly surprising.

Sherman and Cassidy both came from TV. Notably Cassidy was the star and pin up of The Partridge Family, about a singing family of ninnies who have limited talent but decide to form a creepy band anyway, and somehow managed to forge a career in pop on the back of this. He also marks the first really significant case of a teen idol acting explicitly acting out against his image. Midway through the run of The Partridge Family, Cassidy appeared naked on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine and talked openly about his drug use, amongst other things and purposely destroyed his goody two shoes image (a la Miley Cyrus).

Over in the UK, the most notable teen idols were the Bay City Rollers. You know, these guys…



Yeah. That ain’t no Jackson 5 song.

But the hysteria following the Bay City Rollers was as rabid as the following Justin Bieber gets today…as seen from around 4 minutes into this video…



The last teen idol of the decade was probably Leif Garrett.



Here’s the gist of Leif’s life since…




1980’s

The 80s was an odd decade for teen idols. Those of the 70s grew up and went into rehab, with the exception of Michael Jackson who became the biggest star in the world and was probably the only true example of a child star making a successful transition into being an adult artist (though, calling MJ an “adult” is pretty liberal use of the word).

Most of the teen idols of the 80s were movie stars; the Two Coreys, the Brat Pack, River Phoenix. It wasn’t until the end of the decade when pretty boy singers returned. And when they did the format was down. Well and truly. They cut the fat off. They took the Motown ideology of teaching the artists how to dress, how to sing, how to do interviews etc. Basically, carving an image out for them. There are differences, though; part of the reason for Motown was to bring black artists to a white audience. And in the 80s they forgot to write decent songs (a trend which would, sadly, continue). And they forgot to get a great house band to record the great music behind it. And they forgot to get people with charismatic voices. Basically, they failed at every other fundamental level. So long as it was a pretty boy, why should they give a fuck what the music was like.

Bros are probably the best example. This is a song of theirs called Drop The Boy.



It’s really shit. What the hell is wrong with Matt Goss’ voice? He sounds like he’s constipated and trying really hard to push it out. It’s got shitty 80s production. The video is full of weird shots (what’s so special about Matt Goss’ belt that it warranted a close up?). And the song itself? What the fuck is going on there? It sounds like it’s trying to be catchy, but just fails.

And yet Bros were massive. Like, One Direction massive. Like, selling out Wembley Stadium massive.



But the party ended. Because the kids grew up and thought “wow…this is really shit”.


1990s

Now we’re just going around in circles. Both the UK and the US had their own boy band wars in this decade. The US had New Kids On The Block, The Backstreet Boys, *Nsync…the UK had boy bands that weren’t popular in America (Take That, Boyzone, Westlife, 5ive).

The main difference in the 90s is that it was really the first time that there was an influx of female teen idols, of which there had been quite a lack of previously; the Spice Girls, All Saints, Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera. All of whom pretty much sucked as hard as all the boys, if not harder (phwooaaarrr…bloody hell!).



And they too were on the conveyor belt. Many of them, in fact, by a very particular conveyor belt owned by a very particular commercial behemoth; Disney. This would continue into the 2000s with Miley Cyrus and her ilk…but these guys and gals were the first to really feel this sting. You see, just about everyone owned by Disney went hit the skids at some point. We all saw Miley at the VMAs a few weeks ago…but Britney and Christina also went through what I now like to call “pulling a Cassidy”. Like David’s nude Rolling Stone cover designed to shake off his goody two shoes teen idol image, the gals started grinding, stripping off and getting dirrrrrty to look grown up (though, of course, that is a teenager’s idea of what being “grown up” is). They get so controlled under the corporation rule that they act out when they break free.


2000s-Today

The major difference between the last couple of decades and the current crop is that we now see the conveyor belt played out before our eyes. We see the horror, we see the mechanisms that go on behind the scenes because of TV shows like X Factor and even You Tube. Think about who the two biggest teen idols are of today. Did you think of One Direction and Justin Bieber? One came from X Factor and the other from You Tube.

One Direction in particular are interesting. Because of the interweb, the idiocies coming from their fans’ mouths are being plastered all over the place. It’s pretty interesting to see the cycle hasn’t been broken at all. The only difference is that, where in the past a Bros fan might threaten somebody who disliked Bros only amongst other Bros fans, “Directioners” are able to tweet the person in question, which means their stupidity is there for the world to see.

For example…remember that Channel 4 documentary that was on about 1D fans the other week…?



Well, here’s a clip from a similar documentary about Bros fans that was made in their day. I say “similar”, I mean the only things that are different are the fashions and the group in question. The rest of it is I-fucking-dentical…



They also forgot to give the members of 1D distinctive personalities. You really can’t tell them apart. They all seem to have the exact same sense of humour, their voices are very similar, at least two of them have the same hairstyle. It makes the shortened “1D” name quite appropriate, because they are, indeed, very one dimensional. You can tell the Monkees apart. They had different fucking hairstyles for a start. And Mike Nesmith wore a hat.

So…what about their future? If you’ve read this far down, you really don’t need to ask.


The thing that has really changed is that it is in no way about the music anymore. There was a point when it was. Frankie Lymon was about his music and performance (and bigamy, but this ain't the place to discuss that), Motown took time to perfect the records, The Beatles and The Stones are two of the greatest bands who ever lived. Hell, even David Cassidy and Leif Garrett were trying to branch out into more artistic territory when the novelty started wearing off. But since the capitalist culture of the 80s, it’s not been about that at all. Hence, 30 years of just completely shit teen idols that the kids hold no affection for as they grow older outside of basic nostalgia.

Young people interested in music still hear Motown records and say “that’s cool”. Nobody does it for Bros.

Miley Cyrus, Robin Thicke and All That Bullshit

So…the whole Miley Cyrus thing, eh? Wasn’t it shocking? I have never been so shocked in all my life. Not the twerking, that wasn’t in the least bit shocking, I mean that we have reached such a crushing nadir in pop music that a performance as awful as this was allowed on our screens in the first place. Jeez…no-one could sing, no-one could dance, Robin Thicke was dressed like Beetlejuice.



I choose to write about shit music on this blog, mainly as a means to justifying my hatred of a lot of the music I hate (apparently I can come across as a bit of an ogre in that regard). So, I felt it was my duty to speak up on this.

First thing to mention, really, is that MTV is so irrelevant now that this has probably been the best thing for it. Like when Kanye West invaded Taylor Swift’s speech a few years ago…



I mean, admittedly, Kanye was right. Taylor Swift does not deserve any awards. Unless the award is prefixed with the word “Worst…”. I dunno, is there a Razzies for music? There should be if there isn’t. Nevertheless, the “controversy” kept the VMA’s relevant for another year or two, and now the “controversy” surrounding this has kept the VMA’s relevant for another year. It’s gone so far down the ladder that Daft Punk’s Get Lucky can be nominated for a Video Music Award, despite the fact that it doesn’t have a video.

There has been a few reasons for the outrage. One is the sheer filthiness of the performance. First of all, clearly the people who have been complaining have never seen a pop video before. Secondly, the performance may have been over the top, but it wasn’t sexy. It was awkward and off-putting. If anything, it looked sad and desperate. In fact, it reminded me of two Britney Spears performances from the same awards show, the first one with the Madonna make out session (trying too hard to shock)



And, secondly, that weird one where she looked like she wasn’t even there and the whole audience were basically looking at her saying “what the ACTUAL fuck?”.



In fact, the song Miley was promoting, We Can’t Stop, comes across as pretty sad and desperate. It’s lyrics suggest it was written by one of those annoying people who use the word “party” as a verb, a “party animal” if you will. But the song doesn’t make you want to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care. It sounds sad. It sounds like an addiction, not a party. Even the title of We Can’t Stop suggests addiction.



The second argument is that by twerking, Miley was blatantly stealing from black urban performance. Well, fuck me in a month of Sundays! That would be a lot more upsetting if it hadn’t been going on since the dawn of music. All popular music is rooted in the blues. The blues is black music. Even before the rock & roll era, the crooners of the 30s and 40s had their music based on jazz, which is also black music. I don’t think there’s any such thing as white music. Is it right? I dunno…but is it wrong? If it is, we’re not allowed to listen to the Rolling Stones anymore.



I also want to deal with Robin Thicke. Firstly, he did not seem thrilled that Hannah Montana was grinding on him. Secondly, if Aldi sold their own range of Justin Timberlakes, they would be Robin Thicke. Dude sucks. Seriously sucks. You can’t even say “oh, but he’s so sexy”, because he isn’t. He’s awkward and off-putting. He looks like the dad from Growing Pains - who, coincidentally, is his dad in real life - and the dad from Growing Pains was not sexy. Thicke was wearing a really tight Beetlejuice looking suit at the VMA’s…just what was needed to show off the weird fucking shape of his body. Thirdly, the lyrics of Blurred Lines are not sexy, they’re rapey.

Here’s a sample of some of the lyrics from Blurred Lines

And that’s why I’m gonna take a good girl
I know you want it
I know you want it
I know you want it

Here’s a sample of some of the lyrics from Stone Temple Pilots’ Sex Type Thing, which was explicitly written from the point of view of a rapist

I know you want what’s on my mind
I know you want what’s on my mind
I know it eats you up inside
I know, you know, you know, you know

Yup. Basically the best, least rapey thing about Blurred Lined is the groove, which was sampled from Marvin Gaye’s Got To Give It Up. So just fucking listen to Marvin Gaye instead, OK?



Anyhoo…the performance did it’s job, because now everyone is banging on about it like it matters and has given Cyrus press she probably doesn‘t deserve. Every couple of years an artist that was formerly Disney owned acts out like this. Britney Spears did it, Christina Aguilera did it. Basically, when Disney owns a child star, they OWN them. They’re told what to wear, what to say, what to sing and HOW to sing it. So when they break free, they go a bit crazy. Then we forget about them. Would be great if we could just skip straight to that bit.

Either way, Billy Ray has to be upset about how his daughter is portraying herself. It's probably breaking his Achy Breaky Heart (thank you, I'm here all week, try the veal and don't forget to tip your waitresses!)